How to Name Your Baby & the Sex Organs that Created Them

Dr: “Sit down Mrs. A, let's discuss the results of your test."
Patient: “My name is not Mrs. A."
Dr: “Oh... In that case, I have some bad news, it... appears you have MRSA.”

How much do you value your own name? Is it core element to your identity?

I for one don’t find it an integral part of who I am.

For example, at my local Pizza Hut, when ordering pizza for pick-up, I tell them my name is, “Domino's Better”, just to see if they'll say it out loud when it's ready.

But seriously, would your life be any different if you were brought up with any of the following horrendous names:

Nigel, Olga, Kermit, Helga, Hitler, Myrtle, Mortimer?

Would the endless teasing and trampling of your self-esteem in school have resulted in an entirely different personality?

I dare say so.

Especially if your mother named you Regret.
or worse... Broken Condom.

or worst... Oedipus.

On the other end of the spectrum, if your parents really appreciated you, would you have liked being referred to as Sextrophy (or Fucktrophy)?

But even kids with more orthodox names aren’t immune from bullying.

Boys called Richard frequently have the nickname: Dick.

And if you’re a girl called Gina, I wouldn't be able to resist scrawling the letters‘Va-’ to the front of your name on everything you owned.

Teacher: "Simon, can you say your name backwards?" Simon: "No Mis" 

- Anonymous

Thus naming your own offspring is an important decision that you make, which can influence the rest of your child’s life. Undoubtedly the best part about naming a baby is also just realising how many people you actually hate. Of course, most parents play it safe and pick generic names like Tom, Penis and Harry, which is incredibly boring and leads to thousands of duplicates. 

For your child to stick out from the pack, one has to be creative. So if you have a daughter, don’t name her after flowers like Jasmine, Daisy, Rose, Iris etc.

Me: “What’s your name?”

Your daughter: “Lily”

Me: “Wow, what a beautiful name.”

Your daughter: “Why thank you.”

Me: “Your name makes me want to deflower you.”

Your daughter: “Why thank you.”

However, I don't get too unique. I knew a girl in high school whose first name was Chastity. Needless to say, substitute teachers had to try and stop smirking during roll call. On the flip side:

Naming your daughter Mercedes is like giving her a tramp stamp at birth*
*Kandy, Candi, Brandi, Destini, Crystal, Kyleigh, Caylee, Auroro, Haley, Cheyenne, and Bambi are included in this unfortunate list of low self-esteem.

Also please give your daughter a name that doesn't contain the letter S to stop any chance of her turning it into a dollar-sign to become a shitty pop-star

And on the topic of popular music, names play a great deal in whether you make it or break it. Ninety percent of the appeal for some singers is in their name, e.g. Michael Bublé  and Lady Gaga. Which is why I can’t wait until she becomes fat, so we can start calling her Lady Gagantuan. But you've got to hand it to her that at least her name is strikingly unique.

Another exotic name is Portia de Rossi. Lesbi-honest here, Ellen DeGeneres' female partner sounds like a licker. I mean liquor.

And men, if you're going to name your son after yourself, don't do it half-heartedly by adding a 'Junior' suffix; why not add a whole new number? 'Egotistical Asshole Junior' doesn't sound as gloriously wanky as 'Egotistical Asshole the Second'.

If the rabbit was called "Rabbit", the owl was called "Owl" and the piglet was called "Piglet", why wasn't the boy called "Boy"?

It is also commonly said that “John” is the most popular boy's name. However, I bet you that “Little piece of shit” is the most common name little boys get referred by.

Teacher: “So your son's called Peter? What an adorable name for an adorable child.”

Me: “No, it’s Pita. P I T A.”

Teacher: "Pita? What does it mean?"

Me: "Pain in the ass."

If I ever have twins, I'd name them Control C and Control V, and in the same vein:

I want to have 3 kids and name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they fuck up I will just hit them all at once. 

- Anonymous

Please also do note that if your kid's name is Amber, chances are, they’re going to go missing.

And if you name your baby, Billy Bob, Tyrone, Cletus, or Bubba, you’re condemning them to be labelled a racist. Yes, even if they’re a baby.

Also sorry, but if you ghetto name your baby Shanaqualeesha, they are never going to get employed. I highly doubt that Kanika, Kimmonique, Champarnell, Camisha, LaTarya, Shameca, Bluntasia, Rodeishanaynay, Shampayne, Courvasier, Tey'keela, Shandalere, Kavitriya, or Friedchickenisha will successfully run for government either. Do them a service, and don't let your kid become a walking Kleeshay.

"I could see who it was but it still took me a moment for it to register"

 And what is it with ethnic names?

 









Sure, Indian names provide the only source of entertainment in award ceremonies when some elderly Caucasian academic fails at attempting to pronounce them, but having a name like ‘Anathataxidriver Dathastheirmarragearranged’ is just Ludacris.

The Chinese are worst. Their names all sound like how they look – all similar. There’s the old joke that asian parents just throw a coin in a metal bucket to name their kids – 'Ching Chong Chang'. And the older joke there are no Chinese phone books, because there are are too many Wings and too many Wongs and you might wing the wong number <insert groan>.

The Chinese 'Snow White' would be called 'Snow Yellow'. But in Asia, family names go before given names, so in fact, she'd be called 'Yellow Snow'.

But imagine the fun you could have if your kids’ surname is Lee. e.g. Ana Lee.

Even more amusing are attempts at transcribing Asian surnames into English, leading to a plethora of amusing names such as Wang & Dong.

I remember a guy called Eric Chen once. I could not stop sniggering as it sounded like Erection. A sympathetic shout out to all the other asians named Harry Wong or Jack Yu too.

The Asian 'Guess Who' - Guess Woo.
"The most difficult board game I've ever played." - Caucasian

Middle names are also just as important when naming your kids. How else will your child know that they're in trouble? It would be even cooler if you gave them the middle name ‘Danger’, just so they can literally crack the joke “Danger is my middle name” if they have problems socialising when they’re older. However, if you want your kid to be taken seriously, pick “& Associates” as their middle name. 

 I know I've had enough to drink when I suddenly know everyone's middle name and it's "Motherfucking.”

- Hanky.
Of course if you have ginger baby, you can call them Pointless or whatever the hell you want. Because no matter what name you’ll give them, they’re still going to be called carrot-top, big red, rusty, ginger ninja, firecrotch, fantapants etc.

POWER RANGAS!!!

This all reminds me of an attempt a few years ago when I messaged a random woman called Imogen Aery. I tried to convince her to add me so we could become an online couple, just so I could tell friends that I my girlfriend is ‘Imaginary’. 

She still hasn’t replied back yet.  Anyways I’ve moved on to bigger and better things, e.g.  On Facebook, I'm in a relationship with another guy with the same name as me.

Having lots of friends with the exact name as me, also makes me seem like a super douchebag though when they like my posts. Nothing spells out 'egocentric narcissist' like liking your own status posts or photos. I didn't really think this through.

 

Also please give your child a name with more than one syllable. It makes singing Happy Birthday less awkward.

Source: http://xkcd.com/302/

Naming your body parts

Me: "Well my girlfriend said that she would have sex with me when the mood striked her. So you can guess what I named my fist."

Do you have a name for your favourite body part? Be it your muscles or your lovemuscles, naming your body part is a fun activity. I for one, have multiple monikers for my phallus:

• Urethra Franklin.
• The Sperminator.
• Reality: So I can snigger when people tell me to get a firm grip on reality.
• Deck: So I can giggle when anyone says “All hands on deck”.
• Matters: Because I'm going to take matters into my own hands
• Fed-Ex: Because it’s a package I fed my ex.
• Vaporub: Because it should be rubbed on your chest.  
• Password: So I can think about what a catch I am every single time the log-in window says 'Insert password'.

“I tried to change my password to penis, but it said it was too short” 

- Anonymous 

What about my testicles?

• Asterix and Obelix: Because one's bigger than the other
• The troops: Because they need all the support they can get
• Shock and Awe
• Beauty and the Beast

And if I was female, it would be called:

• the Oval Office. Not because it attracts heads of states, but because it would attract various states of head.
• The Womb of Requirement
• The Chamber of Secretions 

And if I was Mexican, my hymen would be called "Piñata”.

What about your Pet's name?

I want a pet parrot, call it "Flying fuck", and never give it away.

<At the park>

Hot babe: “So what’s your cute dog called?”

Me: “Icebreaker.”

If I worked as a drug enforcement officer, I'd like a dog called 'Your Heart', just so I can say "Follow Your Heart!" everyday.

However, because I am Asian, I think it’d be hilarious to see people's reactions when I inform them my dog's name is 'Dinner'.
'Roadbump' also gets a good reaction too.  

If I was an African-American, I would ironically name my bitch '99 Problems' instead.

Since oysters are aphrodisiacs for women, I think they should instead be named ‘Moysters”

Names are also important for products. From Google to Nike, brand names hold immense marketing power. It can also lead to a lot of ridicule. I can remember the flood of urine and menstrual jokes about Nintendo Wii and Apple iPad.

source: imgur.com

I wonder what Apple call their iPod if they released a child-friendly version: iTouch Kids?

A brilliant product name I remember a while back was the name of a nail of a nail colour – “No pre-nup.” Wit like that grabs a consumer’s attention and makes any product memorable.

I also find Lynx deodorants fascinating. They have product names like Africa and Phoenix, but all appear to be the same thing. Who else can't tell the difference? Shouldn't they re-brand themselves as Chynx?

Did you ever notice most Ford vehicle names are more fun when you put “anal” in front? Probe, Explorer, Excursion…” 

- Jamie Xytrex.

Band names are also vital to a band’s popularity. What would you name your band? 

"I find musical acts with punctuation marks in their names to be very questionable." 

With acts such as *NYSYNC, Wham!, 3oh!3, Panic! at the Disco, Ke$ha & P!nk being such examples.  However, in my opinion the most questionable band name is the Black-Eyed Peas. I mean seriously, peas?

Also being a medical student, I have a fantasy to start a band called: The Gastric Band. But it’s not as cool as the Missing Cats.

You've probably seen their posters.

Cyclone names are also a fascinating topic. Apparently, the Bureau of Metereology just rotate alphabetically through a list.

I think that’s stupid.

We should not be naming cyclones. It only encourages them.

But even if we have to, wouldn't it be much more appropriate to give them insulting names for all the damage they wreak, e.g. Cyclone Asshole, Cyclone Bitch, Cyclone Ex-Wife? 

That’s why I think the meteorologist that was responsible for naming cyclones from 1887 to 1903 was a bloody legend – he used politicians’ names for cyclones.

Countries’ and cities’ names are also fascinating. I for one, think that Ethiopia should swap names with Hungary.

I also confess that I am fond of the immature game where you get somebody to say “over china” rapidly and repetitively for thirty seconds, and then point out to them that they’re saying “O-vagina.” Also geographical names tend to make good names for people too, e.g. India, China, & Paris Hilton’s sextape: ‘One Night in Paris.’

On the topic of celebrities naming their children, Alicia Keys named her baby Egypt, which relatively isn’t a bad name considering the notoriety surrounding the naming of celebrity children. But I think most people agree that she should’ve picked an American geographical location instead, like Florida.

(I’d like to briefly mention how it spun my head right round when I realised that Flo Rida was actually the word Florida). And on the topic of mind-blowing epiphanies:

• “The word bed looks like a bed.”

1: "Well, I just got back from Indian Asia"
2: "You mean Indonesia, right?"
1: "Yeah, whatever. On my trip, I also went to Nigger,
2: What? You know that's incredible offensive.
1: No, I went to Niggeria."
2: "That doesn't make it any less racist."
1: "What? Japan is where Japanese people are from. So Niggeria is where nig-"
2: Woah! Stop right there! You can’t seriously be that ignorant?...Oh, fuck it."
1: "Um, I think you’ll find that it’s pronounced Phuket."
2: "Oh man..."
1: "Ye-man."

Sometimes I wonder what is a name really essential for? I mean the very occupations that make you wear a name tag tend to seem to be the jobs where no one cares what your name is anyways. 

“I invented the word "pseudonym," but don't bother looking it up because I did it under another name.” 

- Some dude with a fake name



If you liked this post, check out: Inhospitable Hospital Tunes

She: "That's what."

The Shortest Joke in the World

Inhospitable Hospital Tunes

Like most of the population, I chronically suffer from a condition known as Tuneitus. Also known as the ‘Annoying-Song-Stuck-In-Your-Head' phenomenon, it is a guilty pleasure I secretly indulge in, and perhaps best epitomised by the ‘sha na na’ of Kylie Minogue’s appropriately-named ‘Can’t Get You Out of My Head’ soundtrack. Most of the time it becomes a repetitive, musical irritation that you have no control over, and a large amount of oral restraint is required to stop revealing to the world that tunes like the Wiggles’ ‘Hot Potato’ are on your cranial playlist (that song is more catchy than herpes). Self-control is especially essential if you’re a guy hanging out with his mates and you’ve got ‘Don’t Cha’ by the Pussycat Dolls on an involuntary mental loop. However, being the ever-observant medical student, I have also discovered it is more important that you do not fall into the trap thinking that your stethoscope earplugs feel like iPod headphones and inadvertently start to sing embarrassing songs out loud in the clinical setting.

This important lesson occurred to me one afternoon at hospital whilst waiting for my guide. There I was, a trendy med student, clicking one’s fingers and tapping one’s feet outside the room like I had just made love to a metronome. Getting into the groove, I nonchalantly started to hum ‘Let’s Get Retarded’ by the Black Eyed Peas, as nurses, doctors and patients walked by. After a minute or so of head-bopping and ignoring strange looks from passers-by, my guide comes back and tells me to  
“Keep it down - especially with that song, after all we are in the neurology ward”.

That’s when it hit me that I was singing out loud a highly insensitive tune, and mortified I hastily apologised profusely. The fact that my voice sounds worse than a corrupted Paris Hilton mp3 file (don't ask... the perils of downloaded music and curiosity...) didn’t help the humiliating revelation either.

Embarrassed by my vocal faux pas, I immediately tried to mentally erase the song. But no matter how hard I tried, the BEPs would not tune out. Not one to give up, I hit upon the golden idea that if I played another addictive song in my head, it would then supplant my current one. I then thought to myself, ‘What songs are there that won’t offend people with neurological or psychiatric conditions?’

Big mistake. Like the person on a very high structure who looks down once you tell them not to, I started to get an infestation of the very music I was trying to avoid. Cypress Hill’s ‘Insane In The Membrane’, Eminem’s ‘Just Lose It’ and Gnarls Barkley’s ‘Crazy’ made their presence felt. Even the annoying, squeaky High School Musical song ‘Get'Cha Head In The Game’ implanted itself into my mental Walkman as I hurried out of the Neurology ward.

However, after the first few minutes of mental turbulence, I actually began to find it offensively amusing. And as I passed other wards, I began to internally formulate a list so that in the future, I could hum or sing inappropriate, popular songs in front of patients I didn’t like. I subsequently spent that afternoon, fruitfully collating this brief list of clinically callous songs:

*Epilepsy
Beach Boys - Good Vibrations, Metro Station - Shake it, Missy Elliott - Lose Control
*Breast Cancer
Black Eyed Peas - My Humps
*Burns Unit
Bury Your Dead - Burn Baby Burn, Bloodhound Gang - Fire Water Burn
*Respiratory
Berlin - Take My Breath Away, Jordin Sparks & Chris Brown - No Air, Sting & The Police - Every Breath You Take
*Jaundice
Coldplay – Yellow
*Cardiology
Billy Ray Cyrus - Achy Breaky Heart, Deee-Lite - Groove Is In The Heart, Faker – Heart Attack, Moby - Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad, Oasis - Stop Crying Your Heart Out.
*Haemophilia
Linkin Park - Bleed It Out, Leona Lewis – Bleeding Love
*Amputees
Elton John - I'm Still Standing, Kenny Loggins - Footloose

"You stick your left hand in, you stick your left hand out, then you wave it all about, then you do the hokie-pokie, then you turn around, that's what a digital rectal examination is all about! You stick your right foot in..."

*STIs
Kings of Leon - Your Sex is on Fire, Marvin Gaye - Sexual Healing

*Infectious Diseases
Ben Lee - Catch My Disease, Ella Fitzgerald – Fever
*Obstetrics
Salt N' Pepper - Push It
Elton John- Circle of Life (complete with the Simba forehead swipe)
*Osteoporosis
George Thorogood - Bad to the Bone
*Ophthalmology
Jimmy Cliff - I Can See Clearly Now, KT Tunstall - Suddenly I See

This list is by no means anywhere complete or perfect, but hopefully it’ll provide a good foundation of what tunes should not be sung in front of patients if you’re interested in passing your clinical exams or building good patient rapport. Furthermore, I do not condone the use of them towards annoying patients, especially if you have a voice as bad as mine (a pitch more wobblier than MJ's nose).

Now excuse me while I go and sing Mika’s ‘Big Girl You Are Beautiful' to some anorexics.
Followed by an encore of Fergie's 'Big Girls Don't Cry'.

"I find that singing Hinder's Lips of Angel really helps the patient relax during a pap smear."

[Published in the Australian Medical Student Association's Panacea, Issue 2, 2008.]

If you liked this post check out: The First Time is Always Kinky

[Tony Abbott's Anthem] The Christmas Island - I'll Stop the Boats!

<This is from my archives - a political parody I wrote in 2010, but didn't find time to film>

The Lonely Island famously sang "you can't stop me motherfucker cause I'm on a boat". Well the Liberal Party's Leader, Tony Abbott makes the election promise that he's the man to stop them.
Which is why I penned the following words to his new campaign anthem. Hopefully this will swing votes his way on election day in 2 days time. Please sing along and pass it onto other liberal supporters. :)

 Original Song (ctrl+click to listen whilst reading the following lyrics):

The Lonely Island – I'm on a Boat

 [Intro]

Aww shit...

Get your ballots ready, it's about to go down (yeah donkey)

Everybody I'm going to pay off all the debt(yeah money)

But look at me in my tight-ass speedos

I'm runnin this, lets go.

[Chorus]

I'll stop the boats (I'll stop the boats)

I'll stop the boats (I'll stop the boats)

Everybody vote for me cause I'm stopping all them boats (stopping all them boats)

I'll stop the boats (I'll stop the boats)

I'll stop the boats

Take a good hard look, no more shoreinvading boats (boats yeah)

I want your vote mothervoters, hear my policies:

Forget broadband, ETS or the economy;

This is my castle, patrolling Australia's moat

If you don't stop motherfuckers I'm gonna sink your boat

Miss Gillard's a, bitch (bitch).

Budgie smugglers, dick (dick)

I'm doing marathons, cause I'm so fit (fit)

Love my swimmer's trunk, in my water-jockeys

I'm swinging voters, you fatter than Joe Hockey.

I'm on a t.v campaign, action contracts and shit

Stopping the muslims, if I was government.

I'd deport gingers, atheists and faggots

I'm the mad monk mothersinners, in your cabinet.

I'll stop the boats and, from moving forward and

No more refugees from Pakistan or Afghan

I'm the king of the Libs, powerwalk like Johno

If you 're on my shore, than you're back to sea-oh

{GET THE FENCES UP, MY COAST IS SEALED!!!}

Fuck rates, I'll stop the boats, motherfucker(motherfucker)

Fuck rights, worker's choice, motherfucker (motherfucker)

Hymen tissue makes me rejoice , motherfucker (yeah)

Distract from real issues, whitenoise. All you suckers

Haters, if you could see me now (see me now)

Pleasing CEOs not taxing the cash cows (the cash cows)

Gonna cut things to repay debt somehow (debt somehow)

Like Peter Garrett, I'm not Fallible!!!!!

[AbbotT-Pain]

Yeah, ALP are all turncoats

Libs the trustworthy folks

Parliament, Look at me, oh (on the front bench)

I'm sending a naval blockade

Scare the tiny boats comin my way

Believe me when I say,

I'M ON A CRUSAAADEE!

I'll stop the boats (I'll stop the boats)

I'll stop the boats (I'll stop the boats)

Everybody vote for me cause I'm stopping all them boats (stopping all them boats)

I'll stop the boats (I'll stop the boats)

I'll stop the boats 

Take a good hard look; (Whoahhh) (Na-na-navy, Navy)

I've taken all the cheap votes. (Yeah yeah yeahhh)

Rock on Abbott, rock that boat hard!

Check out the following facebook pages for my updates on the 2010 Federal election:
I wonder where Abbott has hidden his horcruxes &
Abbott can't form a minority government. He hates minorities.

Fun fact: Lyrics written on the 18th August 2010 after pulling a 36 hour all-nighter for an assignment.