Halloween... a celebration of the supernatural world, where children accept candy from strangers and women wear outfits that scream 'daddy issues'.
But the one thing Halloween is all about, is the costumes.
I remember last year on Halloween, the following happened:
"The door bell rang this morning, waking me from my slumber. Saw the scariest & most convincing Halloween costume... a Jehovah's Witness."By evening, I had ordered a pizza for home-delivery. When it arrived, I told the pizza delivery guy how impressed I was by how authentic his costume looked, gave him candy and then closed the door.
Then that night, for both Halloween parties I was invited to, I went as a Chilean miner trapped...
at home, watching TV and eating pizza. But don't take me as anti-social though, I really wanted to go and dress up in a clitoris outfit, but I just didn't know where to start finding it.
Thinking back, I really should have just said that I went, and if people mentioned that they didn't see me, I should have replied, "That's because my ninja costume was AWESOME."
However, I am better prepared this year. In fact, I have collated a list of the best potential Halloween costumes that are truly horrifying:
- A positive home pregnancy test
- As zombie Steve Jobs with a diseased pancreas with a sign that says "I guess PC won." (PC - Pancreatic Cancer)
- A superman costume in a wheelchair
- A dinosaur with a bloody crotch - the Jurassic Period
- An Islamic terrorist that throws flour at children yelling "ANTHRAX!"
- Adolf Hitler as a 99% protester with a sign that says "Occupy Poland"
- As Michael J Fox or Mohammed Ali carrying around cutouts of Japan, New Zealand, Chile and Haiti
- Sexy Mohammed
- Hitler carrying an Easy-Bake oven
- An abandoned Chinese baby girl due to the 1 child policy (with a tag that says: 'Made in Vagina')
Chinese Diner
It's pretty easy to guess what he went to Halloween as that year...
Single.
But if you're not single, and/or going with a mate, here's some ideas for partner costuming:
- Wear a lab coat and carry a clipboard and get a friend to wear all black splotchy clothes . To those who ask "what are you", reply with the question "what do YOU think she is?" (Rorschach Ink blot test)
- Wear normal clothes and get a friend to wear a suit. Go as "Mac" from the "Mac vs PC" ads. Laziness win.
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| That year, Joe decided to go as a burn victim |
- Go as Zombie Jesus or an Abortion Clinic Doctor to Church.
- Dress up as a grim reaper and stroll through the Intensive Care Unit hospital ward. Or compliment kids for their Freddy Kreuger costumes in the burns unit.
- Go as Pacman with a cherry and chase women in burqas chanting "Wakawakawaka".
- Knock on Jehovah's Witnesses doors dressed up as a blood transfusion pack.
- Ladies, put on a messy hairdo, pajamas and robes, and then when people ask who you are, say, "Your mum."
- Go as a Muslim with a backpack.
- Put on a light blue top, attach cotton balls and hold a water spray-bottle, and then when people ask who you are, say, "Partly cloudy with a chance of rain, biatch." Then spray them in the face.
- Wear a beret, put on a light blue top, attach blue-dyed tampons, and then when people ask who you are, say, "Picasso's Blue Period."
- An old one I hear often is "Only wear pants to the party", and then when people ask who you are, say, "Premature ejaculation. I just came in my pants." That costume definitely falls under the category of 'too soon'.
However, what pisses me off more than anything, is how there is a sexy halloween costume of everything. Unless that skimpy outfit is revealing an extremely ugly body, I don't exactly understand how looking like sexy police officer is meant to embrace the spirit of horror? Being a straight guy, I shouldn't complain about this phenomenon, but it does peeve me when it reaches heights of ridiculousness like this:
Of course, if you're too scared to go for any of the above costumes, I have few other (incredibly lazy) suggestions:
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| Wear a bluetooth headset and go as a corporate douchebag |
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| Nickelback |
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| I'm a ceiling fan! |
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| A man you can count on |
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| Iron Chef |
When people ask who you are, give them lemons.
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| The life of the lemon-party! But no seriously, life after college is pretty scary. |
A female friendly version - wear a slip dress with the following sign:
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| A Freudian Slip! |
A tyre with no spokes + and a cape
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| An unspoken hero |
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| Consume alcohol as you would normally. Then when someone asks you what you are for Halloween, say "drunk" |
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| Just start hitting people with an alarm clock |
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| "OWWW! Why did you punch me for no reason?" "I'm a rude awakening" |
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| Start wearing Xmas decorations. No one likes seeing that crap two months out. |
Throw together a bunch of completely random items:
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| When people ask "what are you supposed to
be?", say "Guess!" After failing to so and giving up, say "I'm a conversation starter!" |
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| Fish costume + Kanye West glasses = Gay fish |
Or be brave and just wear nothing except for roller-skates
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| "I'm a pull toy" n.b. Do not ask me what parts of the internet I had to delve into, to find an appropriate photo that would suit this section. It again reinforces the old internet adage, that 'if you can think of it, it probably already exists'. |
Another lazy idea:
"What have you come as?"
"A werewolf."
"But you're just dressed in normal clothes?"
"Well it's not a full moon yet is it, dickhead?"
So what will YOU dress up as?
No seriously, all jokes aside, I really want to know what your Halloween costume will be,
because last year you were a cunt.
*Disclaimer: Apologies for the offensive nature of this post. Rest assured, if Prince Harry is going to dress up as a Nazi, then I have every right to dress up as Zombie Princess Diana (a sure-fire hit! (and run)).
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| This is why I always carry a Snicker bar around. You never know when it might be useful |
Too soon?
More like too soonami.
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