How to Name Your Baby & the Sex Organs that Created Them

Dr: “Sit down Mrs. A, let's discuss the results of your test."
Patient: “My name is not Mrs. A."
Dr: “Oh... In that case, I have some bad news, it... appears you have MRSA.”

How much do you value your own name? Is it core element to your identity?

I for one don’t find it an integral part of who I am.

For example, at my local Pizza Hut, when ordering pizza for pick-up, I tell them my name is, “Domino's Better”, just to see if they'll say it out loud when it's ready.

But seriously, would your life be any different if you were brought up with any of the following horrendous names:

Nigel, Olga, Kermit, Helga, Hitler, Myrtle, Mortimer?

Would the endless teasing and trampling of your self-esteem in school have resulted in an entirely different personality?

I dare say so.

Especially if your mother named you Regret.
or worse... Broken Condom.

or worst... Oedipus.

On the other end of the spectrum, if your parents really appreciated you, would you have liked being referred to as Sextrophy (or Fucktrophy)?

But even kids with more orthodox names aren’t immune from bullying.

Boys called Richard frequently have the nickname: Dick.

And if you’re a girl called Gina, I wouldn't be able to resist scrawling the letters‘Va-’ to the front of your name on everything you owned.

Teacher: "Simon, can you say your name backwards?" Simon: "No Mis" 

- Anonymous

Thus naming your own offspring is an important decision that you make, which can influence the rest of your child’s life. Undoubtedly the best part about naming a baby is also just realising how many people you actually hate. Of course, most parents play it safe and pick generic names like Tom, Penis and Harry, which is incredibly boring and leads to thousands of duplicates. 

For your child to stick out from the pack, one has to be creative. So if you have a daughter, don’t name her after flowers like Jasmine, Daisy, Rose, Iris etc.

Me: “What’s your name?”

Your daughter: “Lily”

Me: “Wow, what a beautiful name.”

Your daughter: “Why thank you.”

Me: “Your name makes me want to deflower you.”

Your daughter: “Why thank you.”

However, I don't get too unique. I knew a girl in high school whose first name was Chastity. Needless to say, substitute teachers had to try and stop smirking during roll call. On the flip side:

Naming your daughter Mercedes is like giving her a tramp stamp at birth*
*Kandy, Candi, Brandi, Destini, Crystal, Kyleigh, Caylee, Auroro, Haley, Cheyenne, and Bambi are included in this unfortunate list of low self-esteem.

Also please give your daughter a name that doesn't contain the letter S to stop any chance of her turning it into a dollar-sign to become a shitty pop-star

And on the topic of popular music, names play a great deal in whether you make it or break it. Ninety percent of the appeal for some singers is in their name, e.g. Michael Bublé  and Lady Gaga. Which is why I can’t wait until she becomes fat, so we can start calling her Lady Gagantuan. But you've got to hand it to her that at least her name is strikingly unique.

Another exotic name is Portia de Rossi. Lesbi-honest here, Ellen DeGeneres' female partner sounds like a licker. I mean liquor.

And men, if you're going to name your son after yourself, don't do it half-heartedly by adding a 'Junior' suffix; why not add a whole new number? 'Egotistical Asshole Junior' doesn't sound as gloriously wanky as 'Egotistical Asshole the Second'.

If the rabbit was called "Rabbit", the owl was called "Owl" and the piglet was called "Piglet", why wasn't the boy called "Boy"?

It is also commonly said that “John” is the most popular boy's name. However, I bet you that “Little piece of shit” is the most common name little boys get referred by.

Teacher: “So your son's called Peter? What an adorable name for an adorable child.”

Me: “No, it’s Pita. P I T A.”

Teacher: "Pita? What does it mean?"

Me: "Pain in the ass."

If I ever have twins, I'd name them Control C and Control V, and in the same vein:

I want to have 3 kids and name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they fuck up I will just hit them all at once. 

- Anonymous

Please also do note that if your kid's name is Amber, chances are, they’re going to go missing.

And if you name your baby, Billy Bob, Tyrone, Cletus, or Bubba, you’re condemning them to be labelled a racist. Yes, even if they’re a baby.

Also sorry, but if you ghetto name your baby Shanaqualeesha, they are never going to get employed. I highly doubt that Kanika, Kimmonique, Champarnell, Camisha, LaTarya, Shameca, Bluntasia, Rodeishanaynay, Shampayne, Courvasier, Tey'keela, Shandalere, Kavitriya, or Friedchickenisha will successfully run for government either. Do them a service, and don't let your kid become a walking Kleeshay.

"I could see who it was but it still took me a moment for it to register"

 And what is it with ethnic names?

 









Sure, Indian names provide the only source of entertainment in award ceremonies when some elderly Caucasian academic fails at attempting to pronounce them, but having a name like ‘Anathataxidriver Dathastheirmarragearranged’ is just Ludacris.

The Chinese are worst. Their names all sound like how they look – all similar. There’s the old joke that asian parents just throw a coin in a metal bucket to name their kids – 'Ching Chong Chang'. And the older joke there are no Chinese phone books, because there are are too many Wings and too many Wongs and you might wing the wong number <insert groan>.

The Chinese 'Snow White' would be called 'Snow Yellow'. But in Asia, family names go before given names, so in fact, she'd be called 'Yellow Snow'.

But imagine the fun you could have if your kids’ surname is Lee. e.g. Ana Lee.

Even more amusing are attempts at transcribing Asian surnames into English, leading to a plethora of amusing names such as Wang & Dong.

I remember a guy called Eric Chen once. I could not stop sniggering as it sounded like Erection. A sympathetic shout out to all the other asians named Harry Wong or Jack Yu too.

The Asian 'Guess Who' - Guess Woo.
"The most difficult board game I've ever played." - Caucasian

Middle names are also just as important when naming your kids. How else will your child know that they're in trouble? It would be even cooler if you gave them the middle name ‘Danger’, just so they can literally crack the joke “Danger is my middle name” if they have problems socialising when they’re older. However, if you want your kid to be taken seriously, pick “& Associates” as their middle name. 

 I know I've had enough to drink when I suddenly know everyone's middle name and it's "Motherfucking.”

- Hanky.
Of course if you have ginger baby, you can call them Pointless or whatever the hell you want. Because no matter what name you’ll give them, they’re still going to be called carrot-top, big red, rusty, ginger ninja, firecrotch, fantapants etc.

POWER RANGAS!!!

This all reminds me of an attempt a few years ago when I messaged a random woman called Imogen Aery. I tried to convince her to add me so we could become an online couple, just so I could tell friends that I my girlfriend is ‘Imaginary’. 

She still hasn’t replied back yet.  Anyways I’ve moved on to bigger and better things, e.g.  On Facebook, I'm in a relationship with another guy with the same name as me.

Having lots of friends with the exact name as me, also makes me seem like a super douchebag though when they like my posts. Nothing spells out 'egocentric narcissist' like liking your own status posts or photos. I didn't really think this through.

 

Also please give your child a name with more than one syllable. It makes singing Happy Birthday less awkward.

Source: http://xkcd.com/302/

Naming your body parts

Me: "Well my girlfriend said that she would have sex with me when the mood striked her. So you can guess what I named my fist."

Do you have a name for your favourite body part? Be it your muscles or your lovemuscles, naming your body part is a fun activity. I for one, have multiple monikers for my phallus:

• Urethra Franklin.
• The Sperminator.
• Reality: So I can snigger when people tell me to get a firm grip on reality.
• Deck: So I can giggle when anyone says “All hands on deck”.
• Matters: Because I'm going to take matters into my own hands
• Fed-Ex: Because it’s a package I fed my ex.
• Vaporub: Because it should be rubbed on your chest.  
• Password: So I can think about what a catch I am every single time the log-in window says 'Insert password'.

“I tried to change my password to penis, but it said it was too short” 

- Anonymous 

What about my testicles?

• Asterix and Obelix: Because one's bigger than the other
• The troops: Because they need all the support they can get
• Shock and Awe
• Beauty and the Beast

And if I was female, it would be called:

• the Oval Office. Not because it attracts heads of states, but because it would attract various states of head.
• The Womb of Requirement
• The Chamber of Secretions 

And if I was Mexican, my hymen would be called "Piñata”.

What about your Pet's name?

I want a pet parrot, call it "Flying fuck", and never give it away.

<At the park>

Hot babe: “So what’s your cute dog called?”

Me: “Icebreaker.”

If I worked as a drug enforcement officer, I'd like a dog called 'Your Heart', just so I can say "Follow Your Heart!" everyday.

However, because I am Asian, I think it’d be hilarious to see people's reactions when I inform them my dog's name is 'Dinner'.
'Roadbump' also gets a good reaction too.  

If I was an African-American, I would ironically name my bitch '99 Problems' instead.

Since oysters are aphrodisiacs for women, I think they should instead be named ‘Moysters”

Names are also important for products. From Google to Nike, brand names hold immense marketing power. It can also lead to a lot of ridicule. I can remember the flood of urine and menstrual jokes about Nintendo Wii and Apple iPad.

source: imgur.com

I wonder what Apple call their iPod if they released a child-friendly version: iTouch Kids?

A brilliant product name I remember a while back was the name of a nail of a nail colour – “No pre-nup.” Wit like that grabs a consumer’s attention and makes any product memorable.

I also find Lynx deodorants fascinating. They have product names like Africa and Phoenix, but all appear to be the same thing. Who else can't tell the difference? Shouldn't they re-brand themselves as Chynx?

Did you ever notice most Ford vehicle names are more fun when you put “anal” in front? Probe, Explorer, Excursion…” 

- Jamie Xytrex.

Band names are also vital to a band’s popularity. What would you name your band? 

"I find musical acts with punctuation marks in their names to be very questionable." 

With acts such as *NYSYNC, Wham!, 3oh!3, Panic! at the Disco, Ke$ha & P!nk being such examples.  However, in my opinion the most questionable band name is the Black-Eyed Peas. I mean seriously, peas?

Also being a medical student, I have a fantasy to start a band called: The Gastric Band. But it’s not as cool as the Missing Cats.

You've probably seen their posters.

Cyclone names are also a fascinating topic. Apparently, the Bureau of Metereology just rotate alphabetically through a list.

I think that’s stupid.

We should not be naming cyclones. It only encourages them.

But even if we have to, wouldn't it be much more appropriate to give them insulting names for all the damage they wreak, e.g. Cyclone Asshole, Cyclone Bitch, Cyclone Ex-Wife? 

That’s why I think the meteorologist that was responsible for naming cyclones from 1887 to 1903 was a bloody legend – he used politicians’ names for cyclones.

Countries’ and cities’ names are also fascinating. I for one, think that Ethiopia should swap names with Hungary.

I also confess that I am fond of the immature game where you get somebody to say “over china” rapidly and repetitively for thirty seconds, and then point out to them that they’re saying “O-vagina.” Also geographical names tend to make good names for people too, e.g. India, China, & Paris Hilton’s sextape: ‘One Night in Paris.’

On the topic of celebrities naming their children, Alicia Keys named her baby Egypt, which relatively isn’t a bad name considering the notoriety surrounding the naming of celebrity children. But I think most people agree that she should’ve picked an American geographical location instead, like Florida.

(I’d like to briefly mention how it spun my head right round when I realised that Flo Rida was actually the word Florida). And on the topic of mind-blowing epiphanies:

• “The word bed looks like a bed.”

1: "Well, I just got back from Indian Asia"
2: "You mean Indonesia, right?"
1: "Yeah, whatever. On my trip, I also went to Nigger,
2: What? You know that's incredible offensive.
1: No, I went to Niggeria."
2: "That doesn't make it any less racist."
1: "What? Japan is where Japanese people are from. So Niggeria is where nig-"
2: Woah! Stop right there! You can’t seriously be that ignorant?...Oh, fuck it."
1: "Um, I think you’ll find that it’s pronounced Phuket."
2: "Oh man..."
1: "Ye-man."

Sometimes I wonder what is a name really essential for? I mean the very occupations that make you wear a name tag tend to seem to be the jobs where no one cares what your name is anyways. 

“I invented the word "pseudonym," but don't bother looking it up because I did it under another name.” 

- Some dude with a fake name



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