Today's World Contraception Day!
If it also happens to be your birthday, then I'd also like to wish you a Happy Failed Contraception Day!
And Ladies, you can prevent unwanted pregnancies by using the pill or putting something else that starts with P in your mouth.
Did you also know that the first contraceptive used was crocodile poo in ancient Egypt?
Fittingly, today's latest contraceptives are crocs; wear them and you'll never have sex again.
Also related, a hilarious Inception parody on youtube:
Monday, September 26, 2011
Attention Guys: How To Captivate a Woman's Attention Immediately!
Do you often find yourself ignored by the opposite sex? Does your shadow have more presence than you? Are you sick of being constantly overlooked?
So read on to found out how to captivate the woman of your dreams (which I doubt are dry)...
There's one secret for guaranteed success with women... and no it's not Lynx, money, power or roofies. It's your image.
It is often said that within only three seconds, you make an indelible impression. Even if it is just a glance, you are appraised instantaneously about your partnering potential. Within that microcosm of time, you may intrigue some and disenchant others; you are either a wallflower or a rose in their eyes.
Let me begin with my story...
I was once the wallflower. An ordinary, well-mannered, well-dressed, well-educated guy. However, for some reason, I did not register on anybody's love radar. I was always the third wheel, or in some cases the fifth wheel (in double dates). To women, I was a spare tyre, called upon only when desperate or used to make some other man jealous. I was like the vanilla in Neopolitan ice cream, always ignored, never appreciated.
My, was I envious of how some men could quietly command the attention of all the single ladies in the vicinity nearly instantaneously. From entry into a room, women would pay attention to every single mannerism and word he expressed, regardless if he had even acknowledged their presence. I was the total opposite. Women ignored me, forgot my name and left mid-conversation.
But this is all changed one afternoon...
It was only two weeks ago, when I had decided to get my usual $5 haircut. The difference was, this time, I demanded a complete buzzcut of my hair.
It took only 120 seconds... to make me look awful.
I was Darth Vader without the helmet. Combined with the turtleneck I was wearing, it was like as if I was a huge, roll-on deodorant.
So I said a meaningless thank-you and snuck out onto the main busy street in broad day light. Embarrassed to be there, I found myself wishing I had a cap to cover my shame; hair that was more sparse and uneven than desert vegetation. A scalp that looked like as if it had been drawn on by some dyslexic kid's left hand. Walking around, I felt as if everyone was staring and snickering at my follicular fate. Blushing, I hurriedly made my way to the bus-stop and sat down.
As I waited for my bus, I could not help noticing that people just wouldn't stop staring at me and my keratin abomination. Especially women. This especially made me more self-conscious about my new, horrific haircut. Then, the most unexpected thing happened!
A beautiful young woman, sat down next to me, stroked my arm and purred: "I’m looking to get ridden, oops I mean a ride, can you help me?"
Stunned, I stuttered an "Umm..." before another lady pointed to bench-space by my other side, and sweetly asked, "Is this seat empty?"
By this time, flummoxed, flustered, and convinced it was a prank, I automatically responded with a reply I usually received, "Yes, and this one will be if you sit down."
But before I could fully comprehend what I had just said, the first stunner sat on my lap, stating to the second lady, "Move bitch, this seat's taken."
Taken by surprise by the extra weight on my thighs, I remarked with an "Oof! this seat's broken."
The look on her face was one of shock, and I squinted my face in preparation off a slap, but it slowly transformed into a smile as she laughed off the insult, saying "Oh you're funny!"
Now even more skeptical I said, "you mean I look funny?"
"Yeah whatever. Want to go out for lunch? I'll pay. What's your number?"
Still in a state of disbelief, I hesitantly gave her my mobile number, looking around for hidden cameras. What's more, after I typed it into her cellphone, she dialed it immediately to check I wasn't using a false number.
And that's just the first five minutes after getting a haircut.
In that one afternoon, I walked into a barbershop as a wallflower, and came out as a rose.
A badly pruned rose.
So there it is, the secret on how to attract women instantaneously:
Get A Bad Haircut!
Why?
Well, a bad haircut makes a statement. When women see it, they think:
1) "There's no way he's gay with that haircut"
2) "There's no way he's got a girlfriend with that haircut"
3) "He doesn't care how people think of him. What a badass"
Single, straight with a badboy attitude. Tick, tick and tick! No wonder women are instantly enraptured by guys with bad haircuts. Just look at the most famous lover in history: Casanova!
Hair that criminal makes the ladies go weak at the knees.
When Billy Ray Cyrus sported the mullet, he made all the achy, breaky hearts of all women swoon with passion. Other famous male symbols that have used stupid haircuts to increase their female fan base include, but are not limited to: Bon Jovi, members of the Beatles, MC Hammer, Alfalfa and Donald Trump.
Finally, also don't forget to accessorise that mullet with a monobrow and mustache!
Real-life Scenario Case
Him: Are you straight?
Her: Yes
Him: That mean's you like penis right?
Her: Eh... I suppose so
Him: Then give me your phone number
Her: What? No. Ewww.
Him: Why not?
Her: I have a boyfriend
Him: So what? ...
What a smooth as maternal fornicator.
Five dollah haircut, ladies love me long time! (See what I did here? Cleverly positioned my photo after a plethora of more disastrous hairstyles so it wouldn't seem that bad, so I would seem less irresistible to women as I am getting far too much attention already.)
Ladies, sandbag your nether regions, as expert clitmatologists predict some nearby flooding:
This is the first time I tried a mohawk. Hairdresser did not know what a mohawk was. After attempting to explain it in broken English, we gave up halfway, and ended up with something so new, fresh and original. It was as if a geriatric asian grandmum was drunk-texting, whilst driving a lawn-mower over roadkill on my scalp.
Unphased, I tried it again in Cambodia, with someone who knew no English at all. This time, I used a photo on my smartphone as reference. It turned out better. I was ignored and very single during this time.
Ladies I am:
Call me.
If you liked this post, check out: How to name your baby & the sex organs that created them
Well say no more to that!
In just a few paragraphs, I, will divulge how YOU can transform yourself into a CHICK MAGNET. But before you read on, please put triple-0 on speed dial, because not only will you soon be turning heads by the end of this guide, but breaking necks as women everywhere vie for your attention!So read on to found out how to captivate the woman of your dreams (which I doubt are dry)...
There's one secret for guaranteed success with women... and no it's not Lynx, money, power or roofies. It's your image.
It is often said that within only three seconds, you make an indelible impression. Even if it is just a glance, you are appraised instantaneously about your partnering potential. Within that microcosm of time, you may intrigue some and disenchant others; you are either a wallflower or a rose in their eyes.
Let me begin with my story...
I was once the wallflower. An ordinary, well-mannered, well-dressed, well-educated guy. However, for some reason, I did not register on anybody's love radar. I was always the third wheel, or in some cases the fifth wheel (in double dates). To women, I was a spare tyre, called upon only when desperate or used to make some other man jealous. I was like the vanilla in Neopolitan ice cream, always ignored, never appreciated.
My, was I envious of how some men could quietly command the attention of all the single ladies in the vicinity nearly instantaneously. From entry into a room, women would pay attention to every single mannerism and word he expressed, regardless if he had even acknowledged their presence. I was the total opposite. Women ignored me, forgot my name and left mid-conversation.
But this is all changed one afternoon...
It was only two weeks ago, when I had decided to get my usual $5 haircut. The difference was, this time, I demanded a complete buzzcut of my hair.
It took only 120 seconds... to make me look awful.
I was Darth Vader without the helmet. Combined with the turtleneck I was wearing, it was like as if I was a huge, roll-on deodorant.
As I waited for my bus, I could not help noticing that people just wouldn't stop staring at me and my keratin abomination. Especially women. This especially made me more self-conscious about my new, horrific haircut. Then, the most unexpected thing happened!
A beautiful young woman, sat down next to me, stroked my arm and purred: "I’m looking to get ridden, oops I mean a ride, can you help me?"
Stunned, I stuttered an "Umm..." before another lady pointed to bench-space by my other side, and sweetly asked, "Is this seat empty?"
By this time, flummoxed, flustered, and convinced it was a prank, I automatically responded with a reply I usually received, "Yes, and this one will be if you sit down."
But before I could fully comprehend what I had just said, the first stunner sat on my lap, stating to the second lady, "Move bitch, this seat's taken."
Taken by surprise by the extra weight on my thighs, I remarked with an "Oof! this seat's broken."
The look on her face was one of shock, and I squinted my face in preparation off a slap, but it slowly transformed into a smile as she laughed off the insult, saying "Oh you're funny!"
Now even more skeptical I said, "you mean I look funny?"
"Yeah whatever. Want to go out for lunch? I'll pay. What's your number?"
Still in a state of disbelief, I hesitantly gave her my mobile number, looking around for hidden cameras. What's more, after I typed it into her cellphone, she dialed it immediately to check I wasn't using a false number.
And that's just the first five minutes after getting a haircut.
In that one afternoon, I walked into a barbershop as a wallflower, and came out as a rose.
A badly pruned rose.
So there it is, the secret on how to attract women instantaneously:
Get A Bad Haircut!
Why?
Well, a bad haircut makes a statement. When women see it, they think:
1) "There's no way he's gay with that haircut"
2) "There's no way he's got a girlfriend with that haircut"
3) "He doesn't care how people think of him. What a badass"
Single, straight with a badboy attitude. Tick, tick and tick! No wonder women are instantly enraptured by guys with bad haircuts. Just look at the most famous lover in history: Casanova!
 |
| He's got more lift than fairyfloss. |
 |
| His hair is optimally shaved to increase precision scoring with headers. The sacrifices you make for the team. |
So gentleman, if you want to captivate women with no effort at all, get a bad haircut today!!
Below is a gallery of haircuts that will get you more female attention than a diamond-studded Chanel -perfumed Gucci bag convertible-stilettos: |
| Get a bowlcut. It'll bowl them over |
 |
| The Tom Hanks mullet. A piece of art Da Vinci would've been proud of |
 |
| Looks like an oompa loompa |
 |
| Walking midget carrots |
 |
| The Asian Statue of Liberty |
 |
| What a bad boy. You wet? |
 |
| If a troll doll took drugs |
 |
| Haircut of the Angels |
 |
| ... sad wabbit |
 |
| Women wish they were his hair; getting thinner with age |
 |
| His scalp is so awesome, it has its own beard. I wonder if he's single? |
 |
| A Stargate Neckbeard or a functional sweatband? |
 |
| Mullets can help you achieve a family. Though that kid's hair could be considered child abuse. |
 |
| Exudes creativity and functionality. Women love that. All that's missing is a shiny sticker |
 |
| Halfro |
 |
| Sauron's helmet? It's hydrodynamic like the fins of a surfboard. |
 |
| Warning: Do not wear this at the beach. Jellyfish may try to hump your head. |
 |
| The Cocker Spaniel. Business on the top, party on the sides: perfect for weddings and formals. |
 |
| Comes handy if you ever go to a Cartoon character themed party: just chuck on a labcoat backwards and say you're Dr. Zoidberg. (V) (;,,;) (V) Woop WoopWoopWoop (V) (;,,;) (V) |
 |
| Hah get it? A rat tail. Women love wit |
 |
| The Viking Helmet for Plundering Hearts |
 |
| Space left for your massive headphones |
 |
| The Satanic thumb |
 |
| The Tasmanian Tail |
 |
| Chuck Norris can watch your back |
 |
| Usually the black man behind me is my own shadow |
 |
| The 'I walked into a wet plastic bag' hairdo is an all-time classic |
 |
| The bars of a cage that imprisons his inner darkness |
 |
| Who needs a comb if your fringe can resemble one instead? |
 |
| Move over ponytail, here's the four-scorpion-tails-stabbing-my-face style. |
 |
| The credit card swipe |
 |
| Anal beads tree |
 |
| The Reverse Isosceles |
 |
| W for |
 |
| A chip off the old block |
 |
| Samurai Desu, a warrior with honor |
 |
| Love Set Match |
 |
| Who said you can't have 2 moustaches? |
 |
| An organic carrot garden |
 |
| The Final Level Boss |
 |
| The Lisa Simpson |
 |
| The Mullet with a moat |
 |
| Barber: Would you like fries with that? |
 |
| The Moses |
 |
| I came |
 |
| Awww... look at that adorable sloth face |
 |
| Why else do you think in recent years the above style has become so fashionable? |
Finally, also don't forget to accessorise that mullet with a monobrow and mustache!
Real-life Scenario Case
Him: Are you straight?
Her: Yes
Him: That mean's you like penis right?
Her: Eh... I suppose so
Him: Then give me your phone number
Her: What? No. Ewww.
Him: Why not?
Her: I have a boyfriend
Him: So what? ...
Five dollah haircut, ladies love me long time! (See what I did here? Cleverly positioned my photo after a plethora of more disastrous hairstyles so it wouldn't seem that bad, so I would seem less irresistible to women as I am getting far too much attention already.)
Ladies, sandbag your nether regions, as expert clitmatologists predict some nearby flooding:
Ladies I am:
Single
Straight
and
Bad Ass
Call me.
If you liked this post, check out: How to name your baby & the sex organs that created them
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