Buckets have a Human List

I don't see the appeal of working as paparazzi, If I wanted to take photos of assholes I would have become a colonoscopy technician.

ARGGHHHHHHHHHHH ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH TADA!
- Woman giving birth

Men, vaginas are like sausages, you'll be happier in the end if you just eat the final product without knowing what's gone into it

Can't believe Hollywood hasn't seized on the opportunity to name the upcoming Transformers 4 movie, Trans4mers.

Chinese Girl: "Oh ate wonton for free sex tonight call me"
Translation: 081 10 43629 Call me

New Recipe: 1. Fruit-roll up. 2. Place a layer of Nerds on it. 3. Put gummy snakes & bears on that. Roll it all up = sushi-roll.

Well cut my cock off and call me free willy

Ladies, I won't think any less of you for being a lesbian. In fact, I will probably think of you more.

Strongly considering a career change to become a window cleaner in Amsterdam.

I am eating healthy, there's pineapple on my pizza

Men: If you lose weight, you gain more penis.
Women: If you lose weight, you gain more penis. In other news, I've figured out what the collective noun is for a parliament of penises.
(Ladies, is it okay to call a group of vaginas, a boxset?)

In a relationship there is no statute of limitations

Male urination is remarkably similar to attempting to control the movement of a shopping trolley.

I reckon supermarkets deliberately make their shopping carts shit, so you have to spend more time in the store, trying to get them to move where you want. One moment you're like "Let's go to checkout", next second "how did I end up at this aisle -oh hey that's on sale!"

It's always leg day when I have to spend time in a public restroom


Previous Posts

• Grand Slam
• Xmas Edition: Seasons Greetings
• December 13: Blood, Sweatpants and Tears

Li Na wins another Grand Slam

Congratulations to Li Na, the first ch...emical elements to win the Australian Open!


Previous Post:
Give Me Your Khakis

Give me your Khakis

"Mum, I need you to pick me up. The police just banned me from driving, which is totally unfair, since I thought it was perfectly legal to drive after only having 9 points...
...or 'pints' as the police pronounce it."
"What?! 9 pints? Why were you driving at all?"
"Well I had drunk so much, I could barely walk-"
"WHAT?! You could barely walk and you still drove??"
"So? What does walking have to do with driving?"

I have to confess, I love driving, but I find it gets in the way of my drinking most of the time. The ban on texting while driving only makes things worse. Now I have to worry about drink driving, drunk texting AND not getting caught texting.

It also doesn't help that that due to my acetaldehyde dehydrogenase deficiency, I suffer from 'Asian Flush' syndrome whenever I consume alcoholic beverages. Medically termed as 'EtoHriental Erythema' (Chau, 2010), it takes less than one standard drink to get my face (and legs) glowing as red as the traffic lights I would speed through if I was smashed. Forget breathalysers, a colour-chart or spectrometer is all that it would take to grade my BAC levels. This is why I hate photos when I'm on a night out. Cameras & photoediting programs already have a red-eye reduction feature built-in, so why not a red-face reduction feature for asian flush?

Thus, one of the primary reasons why I don't drink and drive is the fact that the chances of my rosy-face not getting stopped by police whilst driving is equivalent to catching a flight with a turban on and not having one's luggage 'randomly' checked.

On the other hand, one could state that all asians technically don't drink & drive. Because they can't drink, nor can they drive.

Stereotypes aside, driving under the influence of alcohol is a major contributor to motor vehicle accidents amongst young adults and represents a major throbbing headache to the police, health system and community every early Saturday and Sunday morning. Impairing both reaction and judgment, it's an established fact that with enough alcohol, even Lewis Hamilton would have the driving skills equivalent to an asian woman driving a Toyota Prius.

So what is it like?
From an observer's perspective, drink-driving seems akin to being in a bumper car. All confrontation, no destination, no steering and no brakes. Every single thing on the road is on-coming traffic and it's like playing dodgeball, except that the balls are of course 2 tonnes of metal zooming along at least sixty kilometers an hour. Of course, the ethanol-saturated cortex can't assess this danger and is having too much semi-conscious fun presumably saying ridiculous things like:

"I hate tailgaters. There's one behind me now and it's so annoying, especially with those stupid flashing lights on the top. "

or shouting out:

"Lumos Green!"

every single time the traffic-lights change colour and pissing yourself laughing.

or drunkenly texting to a BFF:

"Just tried to flash my headlights at an oncoming driver to warn him of a cop but I think it was too dark for him to see my boobs."

or singing along to the radio to Bon Jovi.

"OHHHhh  Living on a prayer!!"

In my opinion, with the aid of alcohol, there's a perfect time and place to listen to any song, including Nickelback. But you don't find yourself driving off a cliff very often.

And if you do get randomly breath-tested, please don't say:
"Honestly Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to berate and criticize me."

So how should this issue be handled?
Despite the heavy television and billboard advertisements, it has become clear that fines, demerit points and random breath tests aren't enough to deter the invincible-feeling, goonhead from taking a stab at driving home whilst smashed. Discouraging risky behaviours like speeding and drink-driving requires new, innovative measures that neither pure legislation nor education have been able to do.

That's why I propose that speed bumps emit a 'scream' when we go over them. The roads would be safer, since we'd all immediately drive slower.

I know at least one paraplegic hobo that's with me on this.

Interesting fact: Here's a solitary tree in the Sahara Desert that kept itself alive by a 33-plus metres deep root system, until a drunk driver managed to ram his truck into it.
One, just one tree, all alone by itself in a 400km radius.
And yet this moron manages to hit it.
But to be fair, it's the last place he'd have expected a tree.
Moral: When you're drunk, your chances to hit a tree are still decent, even in the middle of a forsaken desert.


Previous Post: [Parody] Frozen - Let It Flo

[Parody] Frozen - Let It Go

"Female hygiene jokes are not funny. Period."

Context: The following is a parody of "Let it Go" from Disney's Frozen, which I wrote as a joke for a friend of mine who once sung a menstruation themed parody in a comedy show [41:00 min in].

Disney - Let It Go

Parody

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight Not a footprint to be seen A kingdom of isolation, And it looks like I’m the Queen The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried Don’t let them in, don’t let them see Be the good girl you always have to be Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know Well, now they know Let it go, let it go Can’t hold it back anymore Let it go, let it go Turn away and slam the door I don’t care What they’re going to say Let the storm rage on, The cold never bothered me anyway It’s funny how some distance Makes everything seem small And the fears that once controlled me Can’t get to me at all It’s time to see what I can do To test the limits and break through No right, no wrong, no rules for me I’m free Let it go, let it go I am one with the wind and sky Let it go, let it go You’ll never see me cry Here I stand And here I'll stay Let the storm rage on

The river flows right on the month tonight Not an embryo to be seen My endometrium Looks like a CSI scene The womb is howling like this scarlet storm inside Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried It's shark week, need floaties At man united riding a cotton pony Conceal, congeal, these cyclic woes Just like Bordeaux Let it flow, let it flow Can’t hold it back anymore Let it flow, let it flow Give me chocolate I am so sore I don't care about this crimson wave Menstruation, Lil' blood never bothered me anyway It’s funny how some men say being strong is to 'have balls' And never had to deal with ovaries paint stripping my red walls Sob myself to sleep, what can I do? Mood-swings, bloating and breakthrough No whites, no thongs, no pregnancy I bleed Let it flow, let it flow periods are a waste of fucking time (literally) Let it flow, Let it flow Being stabbed between the thighs Understand that I'll be cray These hormones rage on...

Watch out for a yeast infection!

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Fuck it all!

Previous Post: Making Bras Appear in Thin Air!

Previous Parodies: Katy Perry's E.T., Robbin Williams' Angels
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