Here is a story my younger brother Ben wrote when he was younger that I think exemplifies him in a nugget:
"Once upon a time there was a guy called Kentucky Fried Cook. He was horny fellow, dryhumping women, animals, and even the land of the earth. The ice age came and most animals such as the megafauna were frozen to death and so as most of the natural habitat, but being the horny guy he was, KFC survived because he was fucking a chicken so goddamn hard. He was especially horny that time cause he hadnt has a toss for half a day so he saw a chicken wobbling its thang and so he got down on it like a maniac. He did it chicken style and fucked so hard that the chickens asshole burnt and the chicken got roasted. Smelling so nice he decided to taste the roast chicken. It was the most beautiful thing ever created. KFc then invented fire by dryhumping dry bark and created food. He named it after himself Cook, and named his beloved invention of roast chicken Kentucky Fried Chicken. watta legend"
Anyways, the following is my speech at his 21st that some of you wanted to hear but couldn't make it to.
Now Ben is 21, I'd like to start off my speech with a love song dedication = DJ.
(DJ plays a short snippet of Jackson 5's Ben)
Hi, I'm Justin and Ben is not just my younger brother, he's my pet.
Which is why I just dedicated that sweet song, since it was a song about Jackson's pet rat.
First let me explain how I came to realise Ben was my pet.
A few months ago, whilst tutoring, I was talking to a junior high-schooler who said "Today I'm going to get a puppy dog for my little brother"
awww, a puppy dog for a brother?
What a great swap! I wouldn't mind swapping Ben for a puppy dog.
Honestly, Ben is just like a dog and let me explain why:
Point 1)
Someone once said – blood is thicker than water. And let me tell you, my brother is thicker than both. Just like a dog that chases their own tail, he's kind of idiotic.
For example, at one his best mate's 21st, my brother was racking his hair at 8pm at home trying to look for his speech that he had just lost, exclaiming "I don't get how I lost it. It doesn't make sense". The day after, our mother finds his speech neatly wrapped on the inside of toiletpaper-roll when changing it out. You're right Ben, it doesn't make any sense. The inside. You're depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
Point 2)
And like a howling dog, he emits these terrible noises out of his mouth really loudly at the most annoying times. I mean, he never picks up on my sarcastic tone when I say "oh yes bro, your singing voice is lovely." I suppose it's because he's tone deaf. You know how people say, whenever you have a problem, you should just sing, well Ben's voice is the problem, resulting in him singing more and more in a perpetual loop of agony.
Point 3)
He was also born on a seafood diet. Seafood? Yes seafood. The more he sees food, the more he eats. Like a dog, he just eats and eats. Which is why despite my age, he's basically been seen as tall or taller than me, for my entire life. And what comes in, must come out - so like a dog, he goes on frequent toilet trips.
Point 4)
Desperate. He is one horndog. The other day, I was looking at all his old MSN Messenger status updates in an old file from a few years ago, and I kid you not, more than 80% are really lame pick-up lines and quotes about sex, for example:
- If i told u u had a gorgeus body,would u hold it against me? /
- I consider sex a misdemeanor; the more I miss, de meaner I get
- You be my beauty and I'll be your beast, and together we can feast, and l8r ceast from ur neice.
- me cactus 8==> brings all the girls to the yard.
- Im a guy wit skills dat kill, beta den all youse chics wit dicks and one sight at me arse ur not gonna last...my nipples hurt :(
Yeah random. Anyways, point is, Ben is so horny that the crack of dawn isn't safe.
So there we have it, Ben is stupider, more painful to the ears, hungrier and hornier than a regular dog. And like a back-yard digging dog, he can also be a pain in the ass.
Then again things could be worse.
My mother could've had twins.
I mean he probably is a bit desperate due to being brought up in a boy's only school.
Which is why in my teens I wondered if he was slightly gay, I mean he was cast as several gay characters in Med Revue. And he played them so well, he could pass any gay test with flying colours.
Flying rainbow colours.
Did you know, One in two grown men cry when listening to songs? I suspect, no I know, Ben is that one.
Ben is far more emotional than me, a bit more of a girl (that may possibly be a good thing since I am kind of a robot).
According to mum, when we were young, that he was a crybaby. Whenever she left us from the room, I remained zen-like and he cried and cried and cried. One time, my baby brother was crying like a little bitch, so I asked "mummy, where did we get him?"
Mum replied in Cantonese "He came from heaven."
I responded "Yeah I can see why they threw him out."
And like a girl, (sorry feminists) Ben is also a bit shy, constantly complains about his "fat" that other people would hate him for complaining about, and is also a massive photo-whore. I believe he has been tagged in over 4000 facebook photos in 3 years. He also does the male equivalent of the annoying, unattractive and frequent expression females do. They do a duckface. He does this doucheface.
But like a dog, he's annoyingly good at physical activity. Throughout our lives, we've bonded over handball, marbles, basketball, rugby, swimming, pc games... and he's always been as good as or better than me, always stronger, with far more co-ordination, even though I was a decent athlete. That’s why he used to have the nickname Benergiser in high school.
The only two physical activities I’m probably better than him at are stamina and dancing,
skills I probably learnt whilst waiting to use the toilet.
But in a nutshell, he was the jock and I was the nerd. He was also a great play mate. As a kid, I'd make up games out of boredom and he'd participate in all of them. For example, in preschool, we were throwing rocks over the fence. However, he decides to throw a rock to hit the cars driving by at a pretty far distance, and being the strong, co-ordinated 3 year-old boy he is, his rock hits the moving car pretty hard, scratching the side doors.
Then we quickly find out that car belonged to our mum's who came to pick us up.
I also have to say it was nice growing up with a sibling -
someone to lean on, someone to count on...
someone to blame on.
As I was smarter and more sensible and Ben was typically naughty, he always got the blame. And I learnt to exploit it, to pass the blame on when I did something wrong, which I guess makes me an ideal politician.
But, it is also because of what he looks like. Look at that faux-hawk, and that seedy mo. I mean, last year he was at hospital talking to a patient whose profession was a criminal profiler.
She said he looked like a criminal.
I say he looks like a Cambodian criminal. Which is why I don't understand why our mother worried about strangers taking advantage of Ben, he’s not hot enough.
But as a kid he was cute, but that’s probably because we actually looked really similar. We even trolled our cousins as kids when we played tips by swapping our shirts. When he was a baby, strangers used to compliment mum by saying she had such a beautiful baby girl.
But Ben is also doggedly loyal, following and helping me in all the random activities I’ve pursued, from rock throwing as a kid, he’s helped me finish my med assignments in tight deadlines by helping do my references.
Then again, I consider that a fair trade for my HSC help that resulted in him getting a higher hsc score than me -.-. Which is why I want to say:
Dear Noel Gallagher, Michael Jackson, Kylie Minogue, Mario & Prince William,
I want to offer my deepest sympathy. I too know what it is like having a talentless sibling achieving success on the back of your skill and hard work.
Serena Williams, also suffered from this.
I forget, is Serena Williams the elder or younger brother?
I’m joking, both of the Williams are talented women. I mean, they've both won Wimbledon. Two girls, one cup.
Anyways back on topic, as siblings, we share family secrets, joys and memories. We also know each other’s fundamental, unadorned identity behind doors, and being cool with the fact that sometimes HIV tests can be more positive than I am.
Thanks for not being bitter for living in my shadow for long (I'm not being arrogant, it's an asian thing, I got into a higher-ranked high school than he did), being occasionally extremely perceptive despite your aura of a lack of awareness and grounding my ego, making me a kinder person.
And although I’d like to believe in the Hollywood perception that the sequel is never as good as the original, sometimes writers make a draft manuscript before the bestseller gets published. Which is why I say, never judge a book by his brother.
You know that I’m always there even though I act like I don’t care (unless it’s about your trivial weight problems). And you’ve been such a cool guy that instead of sibling rivalry dominating our lives, we’ve had sibling revelry.
Thanks for being a loyal effeminate dog biatch.
Happy 21st Bro.
- The brief song parody that followed the speech: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06HaAA1lUls&feature=channel_video_title
So I said a meaningless thank-you and snuck out onto the main busy street in broad day light. Embarrassed to be there, I found myself wishing I had a cap to cover my shame; hair that was more sparse and uneven than desert vegetation. A scalp that looked like as if it had been drawn on by some dyslexic kid's left hand. Walking around, I felt as if everyone was staring and snickering at my follicular fate. Blushing, I hurriedly made my way to the bus-stop and sat down.
Hair that criminal makes the ladies go weak at the knees.
What a smooth as maternal fornicator.
This is the first time I tried a mohawk. Hairdresser did not know what a mohawk was. After attempting to explain it in broken English, we gave up halfway, and ended up with something so new, fresh and original. It was as if a geriatric asian grandmum was drunk-texting, whilst driving a lawn-mower over roadkill on my scalp.
Unphased, I tried it again in Cambodia, with someone who knew no English at all. This time, I used a photo on my smartphone as reference. It turned out better. I was ignored and very single during this time.
