Friday, November 1, 2013
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Happy Halloween
My attempt at virtual pumpkin carving.
It's not very scary is it?
I think the following might be more horrifying to most people:
I think the following might be more horrifying to most people:
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Dr. Awings
A small collection of vaguely amusing comic strips I sketched whilst procrastinating from my final medical exam studies.
Update: The next collection of doodles
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| n.b. this is an old joke that's been around for a while. I just wanted to draw boobs |
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| A reference to the '1 like = 1 pushup' Facebook picture that spread. I thought this was a more difficult and amusing challenge to attempt. |
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| Dogs love Bach |
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| Are asian babies cute because one looks adorable, and they all look the same? |
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| GK - German Kunt? |
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| sorry... |
Previous post: A comedy skit about one dysfunctional man's attempt at finding a job (Asshole Recruitment)
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Asshole Recruitment
Scene: Ian, Ivy, and Adrian are dressed in business wear, and sitting in an office.
<Lights up>
Ian: Hi Adrian, Thank you for coming in to the Jobseeker's centre. My name's Ian, and my colleague here is Ivy, and we're here to help you through the process of finding employment.
Adrian: Thanks for seeing me. Sorry for running late, my Hummer barely fit in the disabled parking spot.
Ian: Haha. Seems like we've got a joker in our midst here. Anyways, let's get this process started. First off, I just wanted to point out something odd we noticed on your practice resume. You didn't list any job referees?
Adrian: Yeah, it's because I was fired from my past job at the abattoir.
Ian: Oh?
Adrian: Apparently I took too much pleasure in killing small defenceless animals. So I got a new job in an abortion clinic.
Ivy: Okay...? Um... but you don't have a referee from that job either?
Adrian: Well I also got fired again. See at the work Christmas party my boss passed out. So I drew a dick on his face for laughs.
Ian: Oh wow, yeah that's a bit far.
Adrian: Well, I'm bad at drawing, so I traced a penis on his face, and then put it on facebook.
Ivy: Wait? You traced a what?
Adrian: I traced my penis on his -
Ivy: What? how? No don't answer that, uh- <looks at Ian in panic>
Ian: -Ok. <hurriedly changes topic, shuffling through paper sheets> So what attribute you have that you would consider is a weakness?
Adrian: Honesty
Ian: Well, I don't think honesty is an actual weakness.
Adrian: Well, I don’t give a fuck about what you think
Ivy: Okay, point proven. um.. what would you say is one of your biggest strengths?
Adrian: My amazing memory
Ian: Could you provide us with some examples?
Adrian: Of what?
Ivy: *Ahem*... and what's your dream job?
Adrian: I want to be a psychiatrist
Ian: That's quite a noble profession. You seem like you'd know a thing or too about mental health issues.
Adrian: Yeah I want to provide psychiatric support to a ton of patients with abandonment issues and then just quit without warning.
Ivy: Ok... so moving on. It says here you're willing to work night shifts?
Adrian: I need the money. I have child support payments to make. Divorce and all that.
Ian: Oh! I'm so sorry to hear that
Adrian: Yeah, I think the last straw was when I put fake blood on my pregnant wife's inner thighs when she was asleep on April Fools
Ian: <whistles>
Adrian: It's okay, my wife screamed at me, "I never want to see you again!" so I upheld her wishes, by replacing her eye drops with battery acid.
Ian: And...um wow, ok-
Ivy: And you said you have a child? Poor kid.
Adrian: Yeah I had Nigel over at mine, last weekend. My 3 year old son was glued to the TV for the entire day. It was hilarious, I also glued the puppy to the window.
Ian: What?! That's horrible!
Ivy: Quickly moving on to another less traumatic topic, What hobbies do you have?
Adrian: Well in my spare time I like to lock Muslims in my shed with a bacon sandwich and see how long it takes for the hunger to override their allegiance to Allah.
Ivy: Is that even legal?
Ian: Ok. I think this will be the very last question. Some customer service jobs involve dealing with money and lots of complaints, do you have any such relevant experience?
Adrian: Well I once gave a prostitute a cheque that bounced. The lawyers are still working out whether I committed rape or theft.
Ian: Wow, I don't think we've sent a candidate with such disgusting, abhorrent qualities in years!
Ivy: You sir, hands down, the biggest asshole we've seen in years!
Ian: We've found the perfect job for you. Congratulations, you'd make an excellent parking ticket inspector! <Adrian offers to shakes hands, but as Ian reaches, Adrian moves his hand away to stroke his hair, like a typical douchebag>
<Lights down>
<Lights up>
Ian: Hi Adrian, Thank you for coming in to the Jobseeker's centre. My name's Ian, and my colleague here is Ivy, and we're here to help you through the process of finding employment.
Adrian: Thanks for seeing me. Sorry for running late, my Hummer barely fit in the disabled parking spot.
Ian: Haha. Seems like we've got a joker in our midst here. Anyways, let's get this process started. First off, I just wanted to point out something odd we noticed on your practice resume. You didn't list any job referees?
Adrian: Yeah, it's because I was fired from my past job at the abattoir.
Ian: Oh?
Adrian: Apparently I took too much pleasure in killing small defenceless animals. So I got a new job in an abortion clinic.
Ivy: Okay...? Um... but you don't have a referee from that job either?
Adrian: Well I also got fired again. See at the work Christmas party my boss passed out. So I drew a dick on his face for laughs.
Ian: Oh wow, yeah that's a bit far.
Adrian: Well, I'm bad at drawing, so I traced a penis on his face, and then put it on facebook.
Ivy: Wait? You traced a what?
Adrian: I traced my penis on his -
Ivy: What? how? No don't answer that, uh- <looks at Ian in panic>
Ian: -Ok. <hurriedly changes topic, shuffling through paper sheets> So what attribute you have that you would consider is a weakness?
Adrian: Honesty
Ian: Well, I don't think honesty is an actual weakness.
Adrian: Well, I don’t give a fuck about what you think
Ivy: Okay, point proven. um.. what would you say is one of your biggest strengths?
Adrian: My amazing memory
Ian: Could you provide us with some examples?
Adrian: Of what?
Ivy: *Ahem*... and what's your dream job?
Adrian: I want to be a psychiatrist
Ian: That's quite a noble profession. You seem like you'd know a thing or too about mental health issues.
Adrian: Yeah I want to provide psychiatric support to a ton of patients with abandonment issues and then just quit without warning.
Ivy: Ok... so moving on. It says here you're willing to work night shifts?
Adrian: I need the money. I have child support payments to make. Divorce and all that.
Ian: Oh! I'm so sorry to hear that
Adrian: Yeah, I think the last straw was when I put fake blood on my pregnant wife's inner thighs when she was asleep on April Fools
Ian: <whistles>
Adrian: It's okay, my wife screamed at me, "I never want to see you again!" so I upheld her wishes, by replacing her eye drops with battery acid.
Ian: And...um wow, ok-
Ivy: And you said you have a child? Poor kid.
Adrian: Yeah I had Nigel over at mine, last weekend. My 3 year old son was glued to the TV for the entire day. It was hilarious, I also glued the puppy to the window.
Ian: What?! That's horrible!
Ivy: Quickly moving on to another less traumatic topic, What hobbies do you have?
Adrian: Well in my spare time I like to lock Muslims in my shed with a bacon sandwich and see how long it takes for the hunger to override their allegiance to Allah.
Ivy: Is that even legal?
Ian: Ok. I think this will be the very last question. Some customer service jobs involve dealing with money and lots of complaints, do you have any such relevant experience?
Adrian: Well I once gave a prostitute a cheque that bounced. The lawyers are still working out whether I committed rape or theft.
Ian: Wow, I don't think we've sent a candidate with such disgusting, abhorrent qualities in years!
Ivy: You sir, hands down, the biggest asshole we've seen in years!
Ian: We've found the perfect job for you. Congratulations, you'd make an excellent parking ticket inspector! <Adrian offers to shakes hands, but as Ian reaches, Adrian moves his hand away to stroke his hair, like a typical douchebag>
<Lights down>
Saturday, October 19, 2013
I love myself, but I'm not in love with myself
On Facebook, I once went through a phase where I befriended every other person who had the same name as me. It was mainly done in order to make the following happen on my newsfeed:
Being in a complicated, open, relationship with myself led to a peculiar thought, what happens if a person with dissociative identity disorder (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder) [or identical/conjoined twins] ended up having a relationship between their 'selfs'?
I once read a psychiatric case where one patient's personality would be conscious of another personality in that same body, and not vice versa. Other odd things included a scenario where one personality could speak a language, and the other couldn't, or even where one identity was allergic to a substance, and the others weren't. These interesting scenarios, spring up interesting philosophical discussions of the concept of self, but I became far more amused at the idea of breaking up with oneself, and dramatising it as a daytime soap opera.
Husky-voiced Monologue:
I was a perfect match for me; smart, baseline attractive after 3 drinks, and slightly deluded. I too thought he was 'the one', since we shared so many similar interests, however like all summer romances, it came to a cold end...
"Baby, you know you're the better half of me right?"
"Mhmm?"
"I love you, but-but I'm sorry, I think... we should take a break for a while."
"What??"
"I'm sorry it has to be this way, but I felt you would take it better if I talked to you face to face (with a mirror), instead of callously texting you. And to be fair, it's not like you couldn't tell this was coming. You know I have commitment issues."
*sob* "But why?? I love you?"
"Sorry babe, it's me, not you."
"But... I am you."
"Exactly. That's what I mean, I just need some space, some 'me' time."
"That excuse still doesn't work because... I am you."
"And that's what I mean. We're around each other all time, you're always talking to me day and night. I'm tired of hearing your voice, nagging me all the time. You're just way too clingy."
"But don't all the times spent together on Friday nights with just each other mean anything to you?"
"You mean our long, romantic walks... ...to the fridge?"
"As sad and pathetic as it sounds, those nights were amazing..."
"Sorry honey, I need to find myself first."
"You know this is going make my self-esteem issues worse? When word gets out that even I rejected myself... it's going to be so humiliating"
"You need to worry less about what other people think! I mean it's so ridiculous, you don't even allow me to click 'like' on any of your facebook statuses, because you fear that if people saw that you liked your own post, people would think you're a loser."
"That's just because I care about your reputation!"
"You only care about your own! You never used to care about other people's opinions! It's like I dont even know you anymore, you've changed. You're now crazy."
"...and you're whiny."
"Plus, you've really let yourself go. I mean look at you."
"Well you're a hypocrite to say so myself."
"Huh? Yeah, I know you're just breaking up with me because you're going on an holiday overseas soon and you don't want to feel guilty banging the first slut you come across, don't you? And then when you come back, I bet you'll try to 'reconnect' with me. Great to know that you've been just using me for sex."
"No you're missing the point. It's not that simple, I mean our plans for the future just don't match up"
"What's wrong with me not being sure if I want a career or kids first? Are you feeling intimidated dating someone who earns as much as you, is as educated as you, and is as tall as you?"
"No. It's not that. It's just the little things, I mean I appreciate you doing a fair share of the household duties, and leaving the toilet seat in the right position for me, but, you.. have all these annoying habits. You can't handle your alcohol"
"Well you can't change the engine oil, but I'm not complaining"
"You don't get along with my dad at all"
"And you prefer spending time with the boys instead of me, but I don't make an issue out of that"
"Well one of the most aggravating things you do is the backseat driving! I know what I'm doing! Don't tell me what to do! If you panic, you're just going to make me way more stressed."
"Well you talk way too much to yourself. That's why I got you a blue-tooth headset, so you'd look a little less crazy talking aloud in public, and look more like a douchebag."
"And whenever you make a mistake, you never admit responsibility and always blame someone else."
"Well you hog the sheets, and take up most of the bed. You don't even cuddle or spoon after sex with me, you just fall asleep straight after. You're the most selfish lover ever!"
"Well you're not funny, I only laughed at your jokes to make you feel better."
"Well you're a self-loathing, self-obsessed, small-penis drama queen."
"Fuck you."
"Well in that case you can go fuck yourself."
"Technically no, because it's a bit difficult to go beyond second base with yourself."
"See this is what I mean, you're so logical you've become emotionally unavailable."
"Oh shut up you little girl. Why don't you cry like the time you saw the Titanic."
"Hey not fair, you know the reason I cried because it was a waste of 8 bucks. That's it I'm leaving."
"Go ahead, you know we both share the same body, you can't leave me physically. Plus we've got too many mutual friends in common, it's awkward"
"Yeah... who gets which friend?"
"You mean which 'invisible' friends?"
"...That... really hurt."
"..."
"..."
"I guess this really is it then..."
"You know..."
Both: "We can still be friends"
Both: "Pfft yeah right... everyone says that, but it's never the same again."
"..."
"..."
"Is this because I don't have boobs?"
"Yeah kinda."
"Fair enough."
Some call this piece a post-modern conversation on the selfish desires that drive romantic break-ups. Who am I kidding, by some, I mean me. Also, I actually still don't know what post-modern means. Is that the point? That it's elusive and deconstructedly ambiguous? Do I understand it now? Or do I now not get it, because I get it? I'm so confused.
Anyways, if you want to read something that completely contrast the above self-deprecation, have a look at: Egoitis.
P.S. For those curious about my scintillating love life, I have two girlfriends: Palmela Handerson, and Scarlett Johandsson
Being in a complicated, open, relationship with myself led to a peculiar thought, what happens if a person with dissociative identity disorder (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder) [or identical/conjoined twins] ended up having a relationship between their 'selfs'?
I once read a psychiatric case where one patient's personality would be conscious of another personality in that same body, and not vice versa. Other odd things included a scenario where one personality could speak a language, and the other couldn't, or even where one identity was allergic to a substance, and the others weren't. These interesting scenarios, spring up interesting philosophical discussions of the concept of self, but I became far more amused at the idea of breaking up with oneself, and dramatising it as a daytime soap opera.
Husky-voiced Monologue:
I was a perfect match for me; smart, baseline attractive after 3 drinks, and slightly deluded. I too thought he was 'the one', since we shared so many similar interests, however like all summer romances, it came to a cold end...
"Baby, you know you're the better half of me right?"
"Mhmm?"
"I love you, but-but I'm sorry, I think... we should take a break for a while."
"What??"
"I'm sorry it has to be this way, but I felt you would take it better if I talked to you face to face (with a mirror), instead of callously texting you. And to be fair, it's not like you couldn't tell this was coming. You know I have commitment issues."
*sob* "But why?? I love you?"
"Sorry babe, it's me, not you."
"But... I am you."
"Exactly. That's what I mean, I just need some space, some 'me' time."
"That excuse still doesn't work because... I am you."
"And that's what I mean. We're around each other all time, you're always talking to me day and night. I'm tired of hearing your voice, nagging me all the time. You're just way too clingy."
"But don't all the times spent together on Friday nights with just each other mean anything to you?"
"You mean our long, romantic walks... ...to the fridge?"
"As sad and pathetic as it sounds, those nights were amazing..."
"Sorry honey, I need to find myself first."
"You know this is going make my self-esteem issues worse? When word gets out that even I rejected myself... it's going to be so humiliating"
"You need to worry less about what other people think! I mean it's so ridiculous, you don't even allow me to click 'like' on any of your facebook statuses, because you fear that if people saw that you liked your own post, people would think you're a loser."
"That's just because I care about your reputation!"
"You only care about your own! You never used to care about other people's opinions! It's like I dont even know you anymore, you've changed. You're now crazy."
"...and you're whiny."
"Plus, you've really let yourself go. I mean look at you."
"Well you're a hypocrite to say so myself."
"Huh? Yeah, I know you're just breaking up with me because you're going on an holiday overseas soon and you don't want to feel guilty banging the first slut you come across, don't you? And then when you come back, I bet you'll try to 'reconnect' with me. Great to know that you've been just using me for sex."
"No you're missing the point. It's not that simple, I mean our plans for the future just don't match up"
"What's wrong with me not being sure if I want a career or kids first? Are you feeling intimidated dating someone who earns as much as you, is as educated as you, and is as tall as you?"
"No. It's not that. It's just the little things, I mean I appreciate you doing a fair share of the household duties, and leaving the toilet seat in the right position for me, but, you.. have all these annoying habits. You can't handle your alcohol"
"Well you can't change the engine oil, but I'm not complaining"
"You don't get along with my dad at all"
"And you prefer spending time with the boys instead of me, but I don't make an issue out of that"
"Well one of the most aggravating things you do is the backseat driving! I know what I'm doing! Don't tell me what to do! If you panic, you're just going to make me way more stressed."
"Well you talk way too much to yourself. That's why I got you a blue-tooth headset, so you'd look a little less crazy talking aloud in public, and look more like a douchebag."
"And whenever you make a mistake, you never admit responsibility and always blame someone else."
"Well you hog the sheets, and take up most of the bed. You don't even cuddle or spoon after sex with me, you just fall asleep straight after. You're the most selfish lover ever!"
"Well you're not funny, I only laughed at your jokes to make you feel better."
"Well you're a self-loathing, self-obsessed, small-penis drama queen."
"Fuck you."
"Well in that case you can go fuck yourself."
"Technically no, because it's a bit difficult to go beyond second base with yourself."
"See this is what I mean, you're so logical you've become emotionally unavailable."
"Oh shut up you little girl. Why don't you cry like the time you saw the Titanic."
"Hey not fair, you know the reason I cried because it was a waste of 8 bucks. That's it I'm leaving."
"Go ahead, you know we both share the same body, you can't leave me physically. Plus we've got too many mutual friends in common, it's awkward"
"Yeah... who gets which friend?"
"You mean which 'invisible' friends?"
"...That... really hurt."
"..."
"..."
"I guess this really is it then..."
"You know..."
Both: "We can still be friends"
Both: "Pfft yeah right... everyone says that, but it's never the same again."
"..."
"..."
"Is this because I don't have boobs?"
"Yeah kinda."
"Fair enough."
-end-
Some call this piece a post-modern conversation on the selfish desires that drive romantic break-ups. Who am I kidding, by some, I mean me. Also, I actually still don't know what post-modern means. Is that the point? That it's elusive and deconstructedly ambiguous? Do I understand it now? Or do I now not get it, because I get it? I'm so confused.
Anyways, if you want to read something that completely contrast the above self-deprecation, have a look at: Egoitis.
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