Potter Parodies

♫ I whip my unicorn-hair back and forth,
sitting on my throne as the half-blood prince of Bel Air.
So throw your wands in the air and wave'em like it's Veela hair
Teach me how to dobby. Teach me, teach me how to dobby.
I've got the moves like Potter. 
So won't the real Grey Lady please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?
From the window to the Great Hall
til the sweat drips down my Yule balls
To all beat beat them-other bludgers (motherbludgers)
All seek seek Azkaban!
Everyday I'm Quaffling!
Boom, badoom, boom,
boom, badoom, boom, he got that super basilisk ♫

A couple of other Potter parody lines that I like that I didn't write, but really like are:

Got 99 problems, but a snitch ain't one,
I'm fly like it's Quidditch,
And baby, ride your Firebolt!
Vroom, vroom, vroom
Soaring higher on your broom, broom, broom
Lets have some fun, this match is sick
I wanna take a ride on your Quidditch stick
I'm flying high, Defying gravity
No Wizard that there is or was, Is ever gonna bring me down

Okay, the last song is not really a parody, but it's a total fit for Quidditch right :P?


If you didn't know, I'm also the Founder, President (Supreme Mugwump/Chief Warlock), and Team Captain of my university's quidditch club.

UNSW Quidditch Team's Shirt designed by Desiree Surjadi and I
(I only provided ideas and visual direction, Desiree gets all the credit for the skill)

"I've had it with these motherbludging basilisks on this motherbludging broomstick!"

-Snape L Jackson

1050 is the year of the first recorded Quidditch game by the way. Not only that, on each shirt, we've got custom name/numbers. Notable ones include:

Name	Number
Grimmauld Pl.	12
CHOSEN	1
POTTER	7
BLOOD PRINCE	½
PAGE	394
OCTO	π
	9001
I LIKE	80085
INCHES	9 ¾
GET REAL	√-1
TO	∞
KNOWS IT	∫exy
HERE'S MY	$0.02
	<3

So come along and watch us compete at:

Designed by Desiree (what a gun), with direction from moi. Come watch the competition!

On a related note here's a whole song parody I wrote last year for 2011 Med Revue:

Special guest appearance: I meet my fate at the top of the stairs.

Happy Diwali

Himachal Pradesh, India. [Modification of a photo by Kaipu]

To celebrate this annual Hindu festival with my Indian friends, I wanted to point out something interesting I had noticed about the above colourful photo, which inspired me to make this following image pun :)

Which reminds me of this semi-related video from 2005 Med Revue.

Since it is the appropriate month, I'd also like to suggest that Wally is a great costume idea for a Halloween (or any theme costumed party). Just hide in the background and photobomb random people's photos.

SHALLOWEEN

Halloween... a celebration of the supernatural world, where children accept candy from strangers and women wear outfits that scream 'daddy issues'.
But the one thing Halloween is all about, is the costumes.

I remember last year on Halloween, the following happened:

"The door bell rang this morning, waking me from my slumber. Saw the scariest & most convincing Halloween costume... a Jehovah's Witness."

By evening, I had ordered a pizza for home-delivery. When it arrived, I told the pizza delivery guy how impressed I was by how authentic his costume looked, gave him candy and then closed the door.
Then that night, for both Halloween parties I was invited to, I went as a Chilean miner trapped...
at home, watching TV and eating pizza. But don't take me as anti-social though, I really wanted to go and dress up in a clitoris outfit, but I just didn't know where to start finding it.
Thinking back, I really should have just said that I went, and if people mentioned that they didn't see me, I should have replied, "That's because my ninja costume was AWESOME."

However, I am better prepared this year. In fact, I have collated a list of the best potential Halloween costumes that are truly horrifying:

• A positive home pregnancy test
• As zombie Steve Jobs with a diseased pancreas with a sign that says "I guess PC won."  (PC - Pancreatic Cancer)
• A superman costume in a wheelchair
• A dinosaur with a bloody crotch - the Jurassic Period
• An Islamic terrorist that throws flour at children yelling "ANTHRAX!"
• Adolf Hitler as a 99% protester with a sign that says "Occupy Poland"
• As Michael J Fox or Mohammed Ali carrying around cutouts of Japan, New Zealand, Chile and Haiti

• Sexy Mohammed
• Hitler carrying an Easy-Bake oven
• An abandoned Chinese baby girl due to the 1 child policy (with a tag that says: 'Made in Vagina')

Chinese Diner

This smart alecs' advice is also pretty awesome:

or his:



It's pretty easy to guess what he went to Halloween as that year...

Single.

But if you're not single, and/or going with a mate, here's some ideas for partner costuming:

• Wear a lab coat and carry a clipboard and get a friend to wear all black splotchy clothes . To those who ask "what are you", reply with the question "what do YOU think she is?" (Rorschach Ink blot test)
• Wear normal clothes and get a friend to wear a suit. Go as "Mac" from the "Mac vs PC" ads. Laziness win.

That year, Joe decided to go as a burn victim

But if you don't think those suggestions will make the night truly terrifying enough, I also suggest taking it to next level and:

• Go as Zombie Jesus or an Abortion Clinic Doctor to Church.
• Dress up as a grim reaper and stroll through the Intensive Care Unit hospital ward. Or compliment kids for their Freddy Kreuger costumes in the burns unit.
• Go as Pacman with a cherry and chase women in burqas chanting "Wakawakawaka".

 
• Knock on Jehovah's Witnesses doors dressed up as a blood transfusion pack.
• Ladies, put on a messy hairdo, pajamas and robes, and then when people ask who you are, say, "Your mum."
• Go as a Muslim with a backpack.
• Put on a light blue top, attach cotton balls and hold a water spray-bottle, and then when people ask who you are, say, "Partly cloudy with a chance of rain, biatch." Then spray them in the face.
• Wear a beret, put on a light blue top, attach blue-dyed tampons, and then when people ask who you are, say, "Picasso's Blue Period."
• An old one I hear often is "Only wear pants to the party", and then when people ask who you are, say, "Premature ejaculation. I just came in my pants."  That costume definitely falls under the category of 'too soon'.
  

However, what pisses me off more than anything, is how there is a sexy halloween costume of everything. Unless that skimpy outfit is revealing an extremely ugly body, I don't exactly understand how looking like sexy police officer is meant to embrace the spirit of horror? Being a straight guy, I shouldn't complain about this phenomenon, but it does peeve me when it reaches heights of ridiculousness like this:

Whilst researching, in my Google search history, I've discovered 'sexy teletubbies', 'sexy human centipede' 'sexy hitler' and 'sexy spongebob' do actually exist O_o

Of course, if you're too scared to go for any of the above costumes, I have few other (incredibly lazy) suggestions:
 

Wear a bluetooth headset and go as a corporate douchebag

 

Nickelback

I'm a ceiling fan!

A man you can count on

Iron Chef

When people ask who you are, give them lemons.

The life of the lemon-party!
But no seriously, life after college is pretty scary.

A female friendly version - wear a slip dress with the following sign:

A Freudian Slip!

A tyre with no spokes + and a cape

An unspoken hero

Consume alcohol as you would normally. Then when someone asks you what you are for Halloween, say "drunk"

Just start hitting people with an alarm clock

"OWWW! Why did you punch me for no reason?"
"I'm a rude awakening"

Start wearing Xmas decorations. No one likes seeing that crap two months out.

Throw together a bunch of completely random items:

When people ask "what are you supposed to be?", say "Guess!"
After failing to so and giving up, say
"I'm a conversation starter!"

Fish costume + Kanye West glasses = Gay fish

 Or be brave and just wear nothing except for roller-skates

"I'm a pull toy"


n.b. Do not ask me what parts of the internet I had to delve into, to find an appropriate photo that would suit this section. It again reinforces the old internet adage, that 'if you can think of it, it probably already exists'.

Another lazy idea:
"What have you come as?"
"A werewolf."
"But you're just dressed in normal clothes?"
"Well it's not a full moon yet is it, dickhead?"


So what will YOU dress up as?


No seriously, all jokes aside, I really want to know what your Halloween costume will be,
because last year you were a cunt.


*Disclaimer: Apologies for the offensive nature of this post. Rest assured, if Prince Harry is going to dress up as a Nazi, then I have every right to dress up as Zombie Princess Diana (a sure-fire hit! (and run)).

This is why I always carry a Snicker bar around. You never know when it might be useful

*When I wrote a sketch-comedy show earlier this year, I somehow miraculously avoided using any Japanese earthquake jokes. However, that didn't stop me from mentioning them in bad taste in conversations, which only got deserved calls of 'too soon'.
Too soon?
More like too soonami.

If you liked this post, check out: How to Name Your Baby and the Sex Organs that Created Them
Previous Post: Ke$ha Tik Tok Parody

Ke$ha Tik Tok Parody

Wake up in the morning feeling like zinger and chicken,
put my towelette on, open my jaw, gonna be finger'lickin'
Before I feast, brush my teeth with a supervariety bucket
cause when you give me a nugget, you can bet I'm gonna fu- suck it.

I'm talking, wings and crispy strips strips
coleslaw and potato chips, chips
secret spices and dip, dip
Drop-toppings, eating my favourite gravy,
pulling up to the KFC
Going to get a little bit greasy...

Don't stop, make it popcorn chicken

Just a quick parody I wrote in my lunch-break (eating my regular vegetarian food) today to Ke$ha's Tik Tok. Reminds me of an older, cuter parody I wrote with a friend two years ago to the same song:

The 10 Commandos

It's now Spring! That means the sun has reappeared, alongside my testicles!

For young animals, it is a season of freedom, and for the majority, a season of reproduction...
For me, it is a season of freedom, and a season of no underwear.

Also known as freeballing or going commando, I also implore you to unshackle that cotton chastity belt around your hips, burn them like a hairy arm-pitted feminists and walk out of your car doing your best Britney Spears/Lindsay Lohan impression.
We were all born naked and there's nothing you can say to convince me that any good can come from wearing underwear.
You say 'what about modesty?' Well modesty is an artificial construct created by the propaganda of greedy capitalist pigs who own underwear-making factories in Cambodia, exploiting little amputated, orphan children.
You say 'what about warmth?' Well warmth is an artificial construct created by industrial Homo Erectus who own caves, greedily hoarding the secret of fire-sticks from the poor, freezing Neanderthals as they valiantly sheltered their little thick-browed babies from the icy winds.
You say 'it's gruesome.' Well if I spread my legs, you'd see 'it' grew some more.

I mean, sure, side effects of not wearing underwear may include getting a camel toe (aka Australian cleavage) if you are a female:

I didn't want camel toe to pop up in my image search history, so this shall substitute instead

 Or what's termed a 'moose knuckle' if you're male:

If you look closely, you'll see a ninja's foot is cleverly camouflaged

Where's Willy?

But there are many more significant benefits-
and the TEN advantages of going commando are as follows:

#1 No chafing. Don't you hate it when it feels like you're trying to walk a tightrope with just your groin?

#2 Higher sperm/egg count. The increased ventilation is pleasant. Who doesn't love a gentle breeze to blow ripples across the grass in their meadow?

#3 No wedgies. School bullies won't be able to pick on you.

#4 Ease of access in relation to: urgent toilet business, taking a quick shower and bedroom shenanigans

#5 & 6. Cheaper, since undies wear out & need to be washed; saving labour, water and electricity. This is not only financially advantageous but environmentally-conscientious.

#7 You can do a Sharon Stone, total seduction - Basic Instincts-style.

#8 It shows that you're more self-confident in your toilet-trained skills. Like your Learner's driving license plate, the natural order of things is: diapers -> undies -> commando.

#9 You won't get bellybutton fluff since it all comes from your underwear (Kruszelnicki, 2006).

#10 No unsightly waistband marks, or whale-tails.
Whale tail - a combination of low-rise jeans and thong underwear, lending to the following appearance:

David Attenborough: Whale tails are a marvelous sight of nature to behold, symbolising the joy of- wait... what do you mean this is the wrong picture?

David Attenborough: WTF?!! Holy shit, call the Japanese!!! My god...zilla.

So get rid of your underwear and send them along to me for confiscation:

PO Box 476. Morningside Qld 4170.

References
Kruszelnicki, K. (2006). Belly Button Lint and why it is almost always blue. University of Sydney.
Retrieved 10 January, 2010, from:
http://www.abc.net.au/science/k2/lint/results.htm

Appendix
Recommended Free-balling music to listen to...

C O N T R A C E P T I O N

Today's World Contraception Day!

If it also happens to be your birthday, then I'd also like to wish you a Happy Failed Contraception Day!

And Ladies, you can prevent unwanted pregnancies by using the pill or putting something else that starts with P in your mouth.

Did you also know that the first contraceptive used was crocodile poo in ancient Egypt?
Fittingly, today's latest contraceptives are crocs; wear them and you'll never have sex again.


Also related, a hilarious Inception parody on youtube:

Attention Guys: How To Captivate a Woman's Attention Immediately!

Do you often find yourself ignored by the opposite sex? Does your shadow have more presence than you? Are you sick of being constantly overlooked?

Well say no more to that!

In just a few paragraphs, I, will divulge how YOU can transform yourself into a CHICK MAGNET. But before you read on, please put triple-0 on speed dial, because not only will you soon be turning heads by the end of this guide, but breaking necks as women everywhere vie for your attention!
So read on to found out how to captivate the woman of your dreams (which I doubt are dry)...

There's one secret for guaranteed success with women... and no it's not Lynx, money, power or roofies. It's your image.

It is often said that within only three seconds, you make an indelible impression. Even if it is just a glance, you are appraised instantaneously about your partnering potential. Within that microcosm of time, you may intrigue some and disenchant others; you are either a wallflower or a rose in their eyes.

Let me begin with my story...

I was once the wallflower. An ordinary, well-mannered, well-dressed, well-educated guy. However, for some reason, I did not register on anybody's love radar. I was always the third wheel, or in some cases the fifth wheel (in double dates). To women, I was a spare tyre, called upon only when desperate or used to make some other man jealous. I was like the vanilla in Neopolitan ice cream, always ignored, never appreciated.
My, was I envious of how some men could quietly command the attention of all the single ladies in the vicinity nearly instantaneously. From entry into a room, women would pay attention to every single mannerism and word he expressed, regardless if he had even acknowledged their presence. I was the total opposite. Women ignored me, forgot my name and left mid-conversation.

But this is all changed one afternoon...

It was only two weeks ago, when I had decided to get my usual $5 haircut. The difference was, this time, I demanded a complete buzzcut of my hair.
It took only 120 seconds... to make me look awful.

I was Darth Vader without the helmet. Combined with the turtleneck I was wearing, it was like as if I was a huge, roll-on deodorant.

So I said a meaningless thank-you and snuck out onto the main busy street in broad day light. Embarrassed to be there, I found myself wishing I had a cap to cover my shame; hair that was more sparse and uneven than desert vegetation. A scalp that looked like as if it had been drawn on by some dyslexic kid's left hand. Walking around, I felt as if everyone was staring and snickering at my follicular fate. Blushing, I hurriedly made my way to the bus-stop and sat down.
As I waited for my bus, I could not help noticing that people just wouldn't stop staring at me and my keratin abomination. Especially women. This especially made me more self-conscious about my new, horrific haircut. Then, the most unexpected thing happened!

A beautiful young woman, sat down next to me, stroked my arm and purred: "I’m looking to get ridden, oops I mean a ride, can you help me?"
Stunned, I stuttered an "Umm..." before another lady pointed to bench-space by my other side, and sweetly asked, "Is this seat empty?"
By this time, flummoxed, flustered, and convinced it was a prank, I automatically responded with a reply I usually received, "Yes, and this one will be if you sit down."
But before I could fully comprehend what I had just said, the first stunner sat on my lap, stating to the second lady, "Move bitch, this seat's taken."
Taken by surprise by the extra weight on my thighs, I remarked with an "Oof! this seat's broken."
The look on her face was one of shock, and I squinted my face in preparation off a slap, but it slowly transformed into a smile as she laughed off the insult, saying "Oh you're funny!"
Now even more skeptical I said, "you mean I look funny?"
"Yeah whatever. Want to go out for lunch? I'll pay. What's your number?"
Still in a state of disbelief, I hesitantly gave her my mobile number, looking around for hidden cameras. What's more, after I typed it into her cellphone, she dialed it immediately to check I wasn't using a false number.

And that's just the first five minutes after getting a haircut.

In that one afternoon, I walked into a barbershop as a wallflower, and came out as a rose.
A badly pruned rose.

So there it is, the secret on how to attract women instantaneously:

Get A Bad Haircut!

Why?
Well, a bad haircut makes a statement. When women see it, they think:

1) "There's no way he's gay with that haircut"
2) "There's no way he's got a girlfriend with that haircut"
3) "He doesn't care how people think of him. What a badass"

Single, straight with a badboy attitude. Tick, tick and tick! No wonder women are instantly enraptured by guys with bad haircuts. Just look at the most famous lover in history: Casanova!

Hair that criminal makes the ladies go weak at the knees.

When Billy Ray Cyrus sported the mullet, he made all the achy, breaky hearts of all women swoon with passion. Other famous male symbols that have used stupid haircuts to increase their female fan base include, but are not limited to: Bon Jovi, members of the Beatles, MC Hammer, Alfalfa and Donald Trump.

He's got more lift than fairyfloss.

His hair is optimally shaved to increase precision scoring with headers. The sacrifices you make for the team.

So gentleman, if you want to captivate women with no effort at all, get a bad haircut today!!

Below is a gallery of haircuts that will get you more female attention than a diamond-studded Chanel -perfumed Gucci bag convertible-stilettos:

Get a bowlcut. It'll bowl them over

The Tom Hanks mullet. A piece of art Da Vinci would've been proud of

Looks like an oompa loompa

Walking midget carrots

The Asian Statue of Liberty

What a bad boy. You wet?

If a troll doll took drugs

Haircut of the Angels

... sad wabbit

Women wish they were his hair; getting thinner with age

His scalp is so awesome, it has its own beard. I wonder if he's single?

A Stargate Neckbeard or a functional sweatband?

Mullets can help you achieve a family. Though that kid's hair could be considered child abuse.

Exudes creativity and functionality. Women love that. All that's missing is a shiny sticker

Halfro

Sauron's helmet? It's hydrodynamic like the fins of a surfboard.

Warning: Do not wear this at the beach. Jellyfish may try to hump your head.

The Cocker Spaniel. Business on the top, party on the sides: perfect for weddings and formals.

Comes handy if you ever go to a Cartoon character themed party: just chuck on a labcoat backwards and say you're Dr. Zoidberg.
(V) (;,,;) (V) Woop WoopWoopWoop (V) (;,,;) (V)

Hah get it? A rat tail. Women love wit

The Viking Helmet for Plundering Hearts

Space left for your massive headphones

The Satanic thumb

The Tasmanian Tail

Chuck Norris can watch your back

Usually the black man behind me is my own shadow

The 'I walked into a wet plastic bag' hairdo is an all-time classic

The bars of a cage that imprisons his inner darkness

Who needs a comb if your fringe can resemble one instead?

Move over ponytail, here's the four-scorpion-tails-stabbing-my-face style.

The credit card swipe

Anal beads tree

The Reverse Isosceles

W for Wanker Women going wild for him

A chip off the old block

Samurai Desu, a warrior with honor

Love Set Match

Who said you can't have 2 moustaches?

An organic carrot garden

The Final Level Boss

The Lisa Simpson

The Mullet with a moat

Barber: Would you like fries with that?

The Moses

I came

Awww... look at that adorable sloth face

Why else do you think in recent years the above style has become so fashionable?

Finally, also don't forget to accessorise that mullet with a monobrow and mustache!

Real-life Scenario Case

Him: Are you straight?
Her: Yes
Him: That mean's you like penis right?
Her: Eh... I suppose so

Him: Then give me your phone number
Her: What? No. Ewww. 
Him: Why not?
Her: I have a boyfriend
Him: So what? ...

What a smooth as maternal fornicator.

Five dollah haircut, ladies love me long time! (See what I did here? Cleverly positioned my photo after a plethora of more disastrous hairstyles so it wouldn't seem that bad, so I would seem less irresistible to women as I am getting far too much attention already.)

Ladies, sandbag your nether regions, as expert clitmatologists predict some nearby flooding:

This is the first time I tried a mohawk. Hairdresser did not know what a mohawk was. After attempting to explain it in broken English, we gave up halfway, and ended up with something so new, fresh and original. It was as if a geriatric asian grandmum was drunk-texting, whilst driving a lawn-mower over roadkill on my scalp.

Unphased, I tried it again in Cambodia, with someone who knew no English at all. This time, I used a photo on my smartphone as reference. It turned out better. I was ignored and very single during this time.

Ladies I am:

Single

Straight

and

Bad Ass

Call me.

If you liked this post, check out: How to name your baby & the sex organs that created them