It's now Spring! That means the sun has reappeared, alongside my testicles!
For young animals, it is a season of freedom, and for the majority, a season of reproduction...
For me, it is a season of freedom, and a season of no underwear.
Also known as freeballing or going commando, I also implore you to unshackle that cotton chastity belt around your hips, burn them like a hairy arm-pitted feminists and walk out of your car doing your best Britney Spears/Lindsay Lohan impression.
We were all born naked and there's nothing you can say to convince me that any good can come from wearing underwear.
You say 'what about modesty?' Well modesty is an artificial construct created by the propaganda of greedy capitalist pigs who own underwear-making factories in Cambodia, exploiting little amputated, orphan children.
You say 'what about warmth?' Well warmth is an artificial construct created by industrial Homo Erectus who own caves, greedily hoarding the secret of fire-sticks from the poor, freezing Neanderthals as they valiantly sheltered their little thick-browed babies from the icy winds.
You say 'it's gruesome.' Well if I spread my legs, you'd see 'it' grew some more.
I mean, sure, side effects of not wearing underwear may include getting a camel toe (aka Australian cleavage) if you are a female:
Or what's termed a 'moose knuckle' if you're male:
But there are many more significant benefits-
and the TEN advantages of going commando are as follows:
#1 No chafing. Don't you hate it when it feels like you're trying to walk a tightrope with just your groin?
#2 Higher sperm/egg count. The increased ventilation is pleasant. Who doesn't love a gentle breeze to blow ripples across the grass in their meadow?
#3 No wedgies. School bullies won't be able to pick on you.
#4 Ease of access in relation to: urgent toilet business, taking a quick shower and bedroom shenanigans
#5 & 6. Cheaper, since undies wear out & need to be washed; saving labour, water and electricity. This is not only financially advantageous but environmentally-conscientious.
#7 You can do a Sharon Stone, total seduction - Basic Instincts-style.
#8 It shows that you're more self-confident in your toilet-trained skills. Like your Learner's driving license plate, the natural order of things is: diapers -> undies -> commando.
#9 You won't get bellybutton fluff since it all comes from your underwear (Kruszelnicki, 2006).
#10 No unsightly waistband marks, or whale-tails.
Whale tail - a combination of low-rise jeans and thong underwear, lending to the following appearance:
So get rid of your underwear and send them along to me for confiscation:
References
Kruszelnicki, K. (2006). Belly Button Lint and why it is almost always blue. University of Sydney.
Retrieved 10 January, 2010, from:
http://www.abc.net.au/science/k2/lint/results.htm
Appendix
Recommended Free-balling music to listen to...
For young animals, it is a season of freedom, and for the majority, a season of reproduction...
For me, it is a season of freedom, and a season of no underwear.
Also known as freeballing or going commando, I also implore you to unshackle that cotton chastity belt around your hips, burn them like a hairy arm-pitted feminists and walk out of your car doing your best Britney Spears/Lindsay Lohan impression.
We were all born naked and there's nothing you can say to convince me that any good can come from wearing underwear.
You say 'what about modesty?' Well modesty is an artificial construct created by the propaganda of greedy capitalist pigs who own underwear-making factories in Cambodia, exploiting little amputated, orphan children.
You say 'what about warmth?' Well warmth is an artificial construct created by industrial Homo Erectus who own caves, greedily hoarding the secret of fire-sticks from the poor, freezing Neanderthals as they valiantly sheltered their little thick-browed babies from the icy winds.
You say 'it's gruesome.' Well if I spread my legs, you'd see 'it' grew some more.
I mean, sure, side effects of not wearing underwear may include getting a camel toe (aka Australian cleavage) if you are a female:
 |
| I didn't want camel toe to pop up in my image search history, so this shall substitute instead |
Or what's termed a 'moose knuckle' if you're male:
 |
| If you look closely, you'll see a ninja's foot is cleverly camouflaged |
Where's Willy?
But there are many more significant benefits-
and the TEN advantages of going commando are as follows:
#1 No chafing. Don't you hate it when it feels like you're trying to walk a tightrope with just your groin?
#2 Higher sperm/egg count. The increased ventilation is pleasant. Who doesn't love a gentle breeze to blow ripples across the grass in their meadow?
#3 No wedgies. School bullies won't be able to pick on you.
#4 Ease of access in relation to: urgent toilet business, taking a quick shower and bedroom shenanigans
#5 & 6. Cheaper, since undies wear out & need to be washed; saving labour, water and electricity. This is not only financially advantageous but environmentally-conscientious.
#7 You can do a Sharon Stone, total seduction - Basic Instincts-style.
#8 It shows that you're more self-confident in your toilet-trained skills. Like your Learner's driving license plate, the natural order of things is: diapers -> undies -> commando.
#9 You won't get bellybutton fluff since it all comes from your underwear (Kruszelnicki, 2006).
#10 No unsightly waistband marks, or whale-tails.
Whale tail - a combination of low-rise jeans and thong underwear, lending to the following appearance:
David Attenborough: Whale tails are a marvelous sight of nature to behold, symbolising the joy of- wait... what do you mean this is the wrong picture?
David Attenborough: WTF?!! Holy shit, call the Japanese!!! My god...zilla.
So get rid of your underwear and send them along to me for confiscation:
PO Box 476. Morningside Qld 4170.
References
Kruszelnicki, K. (2006). Belly Button Lint and why it is almost always blue. University of Sydney.
Retrieved 10 January, 2010, from:
http://www.abc.net.au/science/k2/lint/results.htm
Appendix
Recommended Free-balling music to listen to...
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