Egoitis

J - Justin. Male patient. Exudes arrogance. Thinks he's a total lady-killer.
D - Dr Brandon. Female doctor. Professional.

J: Hi, Doctor Brandon

D: Hi Justin, I have some news, your test results have come back. You have a unique mental condition. You're the first person I've seen with it...

J: Well that's expected, I'm always the first at everything.

D: ...That's what I mean. You have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  It's a condition where someo-

J: -one carries the burden of chiseled features, grace, eloquence, and charm in a way that only makes everyone else want to be me, on top of me, or loved by me ;).

D: Well yes, you see everybody has an ego. Yours is just abnormally bi-

J: better! Look, I know that arrogance is not attractive... But I am.

D: Wow, your symptoms are more severe than I thought. Where do you think this overinflated confidence from?

J: Partially it's because I know I can get laid anytime I want. All I have to do is go up to any super model and say "Hey, your eyes are beautiful, just like mine."

D: I don't think that would work on any woman with a shred of self-esteem.

J: Well statistically, if I asked 100 girls to sleep with me, at least one would say no. And that's probably because she's a lesbian. And ladies don't worry, I won't think any less of you for being a lesbian.
In all likelihood, I will probably think of you more.
<chuckles to self> hah I'm so funny.
Hey you know what else? There may be no "i" in "Team", but there are three in "narcissistic". Heh, yeah I should do stand up.

D: Are you now just talking to yourself?

J: Of course! Sometimes I need a professional opinion.

D: Wow is there anything bigger than your ego?

J: <glances down at own crotch> heh yeah there's one thing, you can examine me if you want?

D: Oh God...

J: Please, call me Justin.

D: Were you dropped as a baby?

J: Yeah, from Mount Olympus!

D: I can not believe you actually have a wife.

J: Well... see my wife's actually leaving me because of my ego. So I told her to close the door - on her way back in.

D: I’m not so sure how to tell this to you, but bluntly... you have the sex appeal of a chair.

J: Well chairs get a lot of ass. Oh, and doc, I was wondering, why do I get a raging erection whenever I look at myself in the mirror?

D: That's because your cock thinks you're a cunt too.

<lights down>

This is a longer version of the skit I wrote and performed in for Med Revue 2013. A lot of fun bantering with Cindy. Thanks goes to Amy for her great editing,  and the directors for letting me perform it. Recently I've realised that the character I wrote, was basically Johnny Bravo in spirit :P




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