Making Bras Appear in Thin Air!

I'm forming a group of five young, good-looking magicians.

We're called Mis Direction.



Previous Post: Seasons Greeting

Season's Greetings

• I put the Christmas lights up myself. Which is why I'm now in the Emergency Department. #innerglow #bowelsofholly

Dear Santa,
For Christmas, I want a list of the names and addresses of the naughty girls. I'm going to be proactively keeping a watchful eye on them. #sothatiswhyyouarejolly

• Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, I got a restraining order.

• Psst... Santa, the best present you could gift to those on your list of nice guys is a guide on how to get out of the friend zone.

• The worst thing about the Xmas season ending is how I won't have any decent excuses for hastily switching between program windows whenever someone else wanders into the room.

"Fuck off Santa"
- Cookie Monster

• Last Christmas, I gave you my tonsils, wisdom teeth, and an appendix, but the very next day you asked for my receipt (and health insurance details).

Dear Santa,
I own The Sims, World of Warcraft, Minecraft, and Civilization, so deciding what I want for Xmas tomorrow is easy.
I really want to get a life.

♪ ♫ Jingle Bells ♬ ♭
Waiting in the queues
cause it's a dead guy's birthday
Million kids lied to
It's a pagan holiday (ha ha ha)
Pay to sit on a fattie's lap
Everything's overpriced
Unwanted gifts unwrapped
Generosity commercialised!
♪ ♫ ♬ ♭
Jingle bells, Shopping smells,
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to buy
anything near Christmas day. yay.

"Jingle Bells, Batman smells. Robin laid an egg" is the first parody I ever learnt, so here's another that is more relatable: 
♪ ♫ ♬ ♭
Drinking at the bar
See a cute girl smile my way
A convo begins to start
Flirting all the way (ha ha ha)

She gives my cheek a peck,
I ask for her number forthright
She says "K give me a sec"
"You can have all the secs" I replied

OH! Single girls, single girls,
Single all the way
Oh what fun it is to cry,
With a glass of 'pagne in the face. hey! come back... please? (sob)

Have a Merry Winter Solstice!

Previous Post: Blood, Sweatpants and Tears

Blood, Sweatpants and Tears

I've been having difficulty falling asleep this week, but from 3-5am, my brain starts crafting imaginary conversations like the following:

"Why do you want this job?"
"Because I can piss on the job anytime I want without fear. Around kids too."
"... I'm sorry, but I don't think you're what we're looking for in a swimming instructor"

"Hey baby, wanna make a sex video?"
"Ok, give me a moment to load the Vine app"

"Sir Attenborough. Could you tell us some interesting animal trivia?"
"Gladly. Well for instance, did you know that 'animal' is an acronym of the phrase 'Im anal'? hehehe"

"My parents are gay. So yeah it's been tough growing up sometimes"
"Oh so as a baby did you ever get confused between saying "mummy" and "dada", and so mashed the words, calling one of them "dummy", causing him to breakdown because they've been feeling under the pump from being judged as a gay parent?"

"Being a feminist, I don't like my hair being pulled during sex."
"Oh yeah I understand what you mean. I can't stand the male dominance & female submissive tones of that act"
"Yeah... that's totally why (actually I just get really sore armpits)"

Son: "- and that is the reason why."
Wife: "Unbelievable. You're just like your dad, always jumping to the wrong conclusions"
Husband: "What? Are you saying he's not my biological son?! Honey, how could you do this me?"

"Any last minute edits for this year's Oxford Dictionary?"
"Sweatpants (n) - Eating pants"
"Done"

"Do you know what's the worst part of being a virgin?"
"The hand calluses?"
"No, it's not even the teasing I get from it. It's that I don't have an ex I can bitterly stalk on Facebook and then gleefully watch slowly get fat and uglier over time"
"You know there might be a reason why you're still a virgin?"

"If you get fat enough you will attract every woman in the world. That's how gravity works."
"Then I will be the fattest dyslexic the world has ever known. It's my density."

"Here's my pet squirrel. He's kind of hungry all the time."
"Aww what a cutie, look at him chew those nuts so adorably. Does he have a name?"
"Syphilis"

"Hey babe, so what's your fetish?"
"It's a bit naughty, but I'm into S&M"
"Yeah I like sleeping and masturbating too"

"Missus, you should think about a small change to our curriculum. If sex ed classes encouraged anal sex then the teenage pregnancy rates would drop at this school. It's a win win situation."

Mary Poppins: "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down"
Kid: "But I have diabetes?"
Mary Poppins: "Shhhhh... only dreams now"


Previous Post: An Illegible Bachelor (of Medicine)

An Illegible Bachelor (of Medicine)

I still remember the shame of being the only person in my 5th grade class who failed to get their handwriting pen license.

Now over a dozen years later, I'm graduating to be a doctor.

I guess it was destiny.

How teachers reacted to my writing

My handwriting looked perpetually like it was the end of an exam that I had run out of time on:

A real medical chart.

Chinese characters were indecipherable enough already...

It's still hard to wrap around my head that I'm going to be allowed to stab sharp things into people and ironically be responsible for their health. In fact, much like a prostitute, I'll get paid to touch your junk, but unlike that noble ancient profession, my mum will be proud of me. (Thanks mum for all your love and support!).

My mum is proud, but my friends are scared.

My best marks tend to be in MCQ Exams -.-"
I prefer to think it's because that exam format is a much more 'objective' assessment of knowledge :P

I'll admit that studying medicine was not easy, and I struggled harder as the course progressed.

This might be because I slacked off during the early years, because I wasn't taking things too seriously. Just like a catheter, I tended to take the piss out of things, and clowning around in lectures/class was way more fun.

Trust me, I'm a doktuh!

In fact I still remember at the beginning of my degree, I thought you could get cervical cancer in the cervical spine.

What my questions during anatomy tutorials felt like

So in conclusion,

MuahahahahaNow I'm an asshole with a university degree.

P.S.  Now every-time my friends want to meet up, I'm going to call it a doctor's appointment to piss them off. I may end up with no friends.

Previous post: Stareways to Heaven
For another semi-medical related musing, see: Inhospitable Hospital Tunes

Stareways to Heaven

That moment when you lose an intense staring competition to a baby, and afterwards they have a smug expression all like "I didn't even try that hard".

Well yeah? Best of 3.

Oh wait, you can't even count to three yet. hah. In your adorable face.

  

Previous post: Dear Smokers