I've been having difficulty falling asleep this week, but from 3-5am, my brain starts crafting imaginary conversations like the following:
"Why do you want this job?"
"Because I can piss on the job anytime I want without fear. Around kids too."
"... I'm sorry, but I don't think you're what we're looking for in a swimming instructor"
"Hey baby, wanna make a sex video?"
"Ok, give me a moment to load the Vine app"
"Sir Attenborough. Could you tell us some interesting animal trivia?"
"Gladly. Well for instance, did you know that 'animal' is an acronym of the phrase 'Im anal'? hehehe"
"My parents are gay. So yeah it's been tough growing up sometimes"
"Oh so as a baby did you ever get confused between saying "mummy" and "dada", and so mashed the words, calling one of them "dummy", causing him to breakdown because they've been feeling under the pump from being judged as a gay parent?"
"Being a feminist, I don't like my hair being pulled during sex."
"Oh yeah I understand what you mean. I can't stand the male dominance & female submissive tones of that act"
"Yeah... that's totally why (actually I just get really sore armpits)"
Son: "- and that is the reason why."
Wife: "Unbelievable. You're just like your dad, always jumping to the wrong conclusions"
Husband: "What? Are you saying he's not my biological son?! Honey, how could you do this me?"
"Any last minute edits for this year's Oxford Dictionary?"
"Sweatpants (n) - Eating pants"
"Done"
"Do you know what's the worst part of being a virgin?"
"The hand calluses?"
"No, it's not even the teasing I get from it. It's that I don't have an ex I can bitterly stalk on Facebook and then gleefully watch slowly get fat and uglier over time"
"You know there might be a reason why you're still a virgin?"
"If you get fat enough you will attract every woman in the world. That's how gravity works."
"Then I will be the fattest dyslexic the world has ever known. It's my density."
"Here's my pet squirrel. He's kind of hungry all the time."
"Aww what a cutie, look at him chew those nuts so adorably. Does he have a name?"
"Syphilis"
"Hey babe, so what's your fetish?"
"It's a bit naughty, but I'm into S&M"
"Yeah I like sleeping and masturbating too"
"Missus, you should think about a small change to our curriculum. If sex ed classes encouraged anal sex then the teenage pregnancy rates would drop at this school. It's a win win situation."
Mary Poppins: "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down"
Kid: "But I have diabetes?"
Mary Poppins: "Shhhhh... only dreams now"
Previous Post: An Illegible Bachelor (of Medicine)
"Why do you want this job?"
"Because I can piss on the job anytime I want without fear. Around kids too."
"... I'm sorry, but I don't think you're what we're looking for in a swimming instructor"
"Hey baby, wanna make a sex video?"
"Ok, give me a moment to load the Vine app"
"Sir Attenborough. Could you tell us some interesting animal trivia?"
"Gladly. Well for instance, did you know that 'animal' is an acronym of the phrase 'Im anal'? hehehe"
"My parents are gay. So yeah it's been tough growing up sometimes"
"Oh so as a baby did you ever get confused between saying "mummy" and "dada", and so mashed the words, calling one of them "dummy", causing him to breakdown because they've been feeling under the pump from being judged as a gay parent?"
"Being a feminist, I don't like my hair being pulled during sex."
"Oh yeah I understand what you mean. I can't stand the male dominance & female submissive tones of that act"
"Yeah... that's totally why (actually I just get really sore armpits)"
Son: "- and that is the reason why."
Wife: "Unbelievable. You're just like your dad, always jumping to the wrong conclusions"
Husband: "What? Are you saying he's not my biological son?! Honey, how could you do this me?"
"Any last minute edits for this year's Oxford Dictionary?"
"Sweatpants (n) - Eating pants"
"Done"
"Do you know what's the worst part of being a virgin?"
"The hand calluses?"
"No, it's not even the teasing I get from it. It's that I don't have an ex I can bitterly stalk on Facebook and then gleefully watch slowly get fat and uglier over time"
"You know there might be a reason why you're still a virgin?"
"If you get fat enough you will attract every woman in the world. That's how gravity works."
"Then I will be the fattest dyslexic the world has ever known. It's my density."
"Here's my pet squirrel. He's kind of hungry all the time."
"Aww what a cutie, look at him chew those nuts so adorably. Does he have a name?"
"Syphilis"
"Hey babe, so what's your fetish?"
"It's a bit naughty, but I'm into S&M"
"Yeah I like sleeping and masturbating too"
"Missus, you should think about a small change to our curriculum. If sex ed classes encouraged anal sex then the teenage pregnancy rates would drop at this school. It's a win win situation."
Mary Poppins: "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down"
Kid: "But I have diabetes?"
Mary Poppins: "Shhhhh... only dreams now"
Previous Post: An Illegible Bachelor (of Medicine)
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