I have no objection to people being spontaneous, I just think there is a time and a place for it.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Monday, October 14, 2013
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
THE SECRET TO BEING AWESOME
There I was, watching Roger Federer, one of the greatest tennis
players of all time, win his record 14th grand slam a few nights ago,
when it suddenly all hit me... like a crop of apples on Newton's
scalp...
I had just stumbled upon:
THE SECRET TO BEING AWESOME!!!!
... So here we are, me sitting comfortably with my thermal underpants on, you, back keeled over the keyboard, nose pressed against the screen, eagerly devouring every word I type with breathless anticipation, stopping intermittently to wipe away your moist expiration on the fogged monitor, now starting to think 'wait, how can I be breathless with anxiety, yet at the same time expire enough to fog the screen?'
So before you ponder that paradox, I'm going to cut-to-the-chase.
I know, mind-blowing isn't it?
Here, I'll place 6 fullstops here so you can recover from that shock......
I mean just take a look below at the humongous, hypertrophied muscles of Federer's right forearm, especially compared to his left!
Looks like an oak log next to a twig doesn't it?
I bet that his forearm makes up 20% of his total body-weight and causes him to walk in clockwise directions due to its density. It's as if he had an IV drip of steroids pumped straight into that region, and Godzilla had stomped on his arm, and he somehow miraculously survived, allowing permanent swelling to occur, or maybe, you know just maybe, he had jerked himself off for 100 consecutive days straight.
Without a doubt, Rod Laver (the only player to have twice won all four Grand Slam titles in the same year = automatic qualification into the Hall of Awesome) also possesses this very asymmetrical secret of success.
Without
a doubt, this massive singular forearm feature is a characteristic
found in all historically awesome people. Below is just a snippet of
evidence to back up my claim.
For example, here in Exhibit A, we have Popeye the Sailor, whose heroic exploits and unwavering morals made him the precursor of all legendary superheros like Superman.
Which brings me to the next example, Mega Man - ceaselessly fighting in the hopes of achieving ever-lasting peace. He's saved this world many times over from horrors you wish only existed in an electronic game.
And I saved the best for last... the definitive example of awesomeness
Just look at that MEAN-ASS CLAW. That MAMMOTH, METAL-BENDING CLAW probably sank the Titanic. You try and stop it? Well that EPICALLY, EARTH-SHATTERING, COLOSSAL CLAW would just clamp the Moon and CRUSH it down on your PUNY skull. Not only that, Fiddler crabs play a vital role in the preservation of wetland environments, saving the world one sifted piece of aerated sand at a time. What are YOU doing to save the world? They're also pretty tasty, which is a plus.
So there it is, the secret to being awesome.
Use it well young cricket. Because maybe one day, people will say your name in the same hushed reverent tones they now praise Federer, Laver, Popeye, Hellboy, Megaman and the Fiddler crab in.
So start training that one forearm.
I know I am right now.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a throwback post written in 2009.
Also check out 'Attention Guys, How to Captivate a woman's Attention Immediately!'
I had just stumbled upon:
THE SECRET TO BEING AWESOME!!!!
... So here we are, me sitting comfortably with my thermal underpants on, you, back keeled over the keyboard, nose pressed against the screen, eagerly devouring every word I type with breathless anticipation, stopping intermittently to wipe away your moist expiration on the fogged monitor, now starting to think 'wait, how can I be breathless with anxiety, yet at the same time expire enough to fog the screen?'
So before you ponder that paradox, I'm going to cut-to-the-chase.
THE
SECRET
TO
BEING
AWESOME
IS
!!!!!
(drumroll)
|
|
|
|
|
(due to the prolonged wait, the drum-rolling collapses, leaving an awkward vacuum of silence)
|
|
V
> TO HAVE 1 HUGE FOREARM <
*cue triumphant trumpet flare*I know, mind-blowing isn't it?
Here, I'll place 6 fullstops here so you can recover from that shock......
I mean just take a look below at the humongous, hypertrophied muscles of Federer's right forearm, especially compared to his left!
I know it's distracting, but stop staring at his bosom and concentrate on the arms.
Looks like an oak log next to a twig doesn't it?
I bet that his forearm makes up 20% of his total body-weight and causes him to walk in clockwise directions due to its density. It's as if he had an IV drip of steroids pumped straight into that region, and Godzilla had stomped on his arm, and he somehow miraculously survived, allowing permanent swelling to occur, or maybe, you know just maybe, he had jerked himself off for 100 consecutive days straight.
Without a doubt, Rod Laver (the only player to have twice won all four Grand Slam titles in the same year = automatic qualification into the Hall of Awesome) also possesses this very asymmetrical secret of success.
For example, here in Exhibit A, we have Popeye the Sailor, whose heroic exploits and unwavering morals made him the precursor of all legendary superheros like Superman.
 |
| Exhibit A: Pop-eye. The face puncher |
Another role model with similar proportions is Hellboy.
 |
Exhibit B: A hero whose sledgehammer-like arm has saved the world countless times over.
|
Which brings me to the next example, Mega Man - ceaselessly fighting in the hopes of achieving ever-lasting peace. He's saved this world many times over from horrors you wish only existed in an electronic game.
 |
| Exhibit C: He's so awesome...can you shoot plasma projectiles from your arm? |
And I saved the best for last... the definitive example of awesomeness
the Fiddler crab!!!
 |
| Exhibit D: Size matters. Especially if you're only 2 inches long |
Just look at that MEAN-ASS CLAW. That MAMMOTH, METAL-BENDING CLAW probably sank the Titanic. You try and stop it? Well that EPICALLY, EARTH-SHATTERING, COLOSSAL CLAW would just clamp the Moon and CRUSH it down on your PUNY skull. Not only that, Fiddler crabs play a vital role in the preservation of wetland environments, saving the world one sifted piece of aerated sand at a time. What are YOU doing to save the world? They're also pretty tasty, which is a plus.
So there it is, the secret to being awesome.
Use it well young cricket. Because maybe one day, people will say your name in the same hushed reverent tones they now praise Federer, Laver, Popeye, Hellboy, Megaman and the Fiddler crab in.
So start training that one forearm.
I know I am right now.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a throwback post written in 2009.
Also check out 'Attention Guys, How to Captivate a woman's Attention Immediately!'
Egoitis
J - Justin. Male patient. Exudes arrogance. Thinks he's a total lady-killer.
D - Dr Brandon. Female doctor. Professional.
J: Hi, Doctor Brandon
D: Hi Justin, I have some news, your test results have come back. You have a unique mental condition. You're the first person I've seen with it...
J: Well that's expected, I'm always the first at everything.
D: ...That's what I mean. You have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It's a condition where someo-
J: -one carries the burden of chiseled features, grace, eloquence, and charm in a way that only makes everyone else want to be me, on top of me, or loved by me ;).
D: Well yes, you see everybody has an ego. Yours is just abnormally bi-
J: better! Look, I know that arrogance is not attractive... But I am.
D: Wow, your symptoms are more severe than I thought. Where do you think this overinflated confidence from?
J: Partially it's because I know I can get laid anytime I want. All I have to do is go up to any super model and say "Hey, your eyes are beautiful, just like mine."
D: I don't think that would work on any woman with a shred of self-esteem.
J: Well statistically, if I asked 100 girls to sleep with me, at least one would say no. And that's probably because she's a lesbian. And ladies don't worry, I won't think any less of you for being a lesbian.
In all likelihood, I will probably think of you more.
<chuckles to self> hah I'm so funny.
Hey you know what else? There may be no "i" in "Team", but there are three in "narcissistic". Heh, yeah I should do stand up.
D: Are you now just talking to yourself?
J: Of course! Sometimes I need a professional opinion.
D: Wow is there anything bigger than your ego?
J: <glances down at own crotch> heh yeah there's one thing, you can examine me if you want?
D: Oh God...
J: Please, call me Justin.
D: Were you dropped as a baby?
J: Yeah, from Mount Olympus!
D: I can not believe you actually have a wife.
J: Well... see my wife's actually leaving me because of my ego. So I told her to close the door - on her way back in.
D: I’m not so sure how to tell this to you, but bluntly... you have the sex appeal of a chair.
J: Well chairs get a lot of ass. Oh, and doc, I was wondering, why do I get a raging erection whenever I look at myself in the mirror?
D: That's because your cock thinks you're a cunt too.
<lights down>
This is a longer version of the skit I wrote and performed in for Med Revue 2013. A lot of fun bantering with Cindy. Thanks goes to Amy for her great editing, and the directors for letting me perform it. Recently I've realised that the character I wrote, was basically Johnny Bravo in spirit :P
Check out: The Secret to Being Awesome
D - Dr Brandon. Female doctor. Professional.
J: Hi, Doctor Brandon
D: Hi Justin, I have some news, your test results have come back. You have a unique mental condition. You're the first person I've seen with it...
J: Well that's expected, I'm always the first at everything.
D: ...That's what I mean. You have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It's a condition where someo-
J: -one carries the burden of chiseled features, grace, eloquence, and charm in a way that only makes everyone else want to be me, on top of me, or loved by me ;).
D: Well yes, you see everybody has an ego. Yours is just abnormally bi-
J: better! Look, I know that arrogance is not attractive... But I am.
D: Wow, your symptoms are more severe than I thought. Where do you think this overinflated confidence from?
J: Partially it's because I know I can get laid anytime I want. All I have to do is go up to any super model and say "Hey, your eyes are beautiful, just like mine."
D: I don't think that would work on any woman with a shred of self-esteem.
J: Well statistically, if I asked 100 girls to sleep with me, at least one would say no. And that's probably because she's a lesbian. And ladies don't worry, I won't think any less of you for being a lesbian.
In all likelihood, I will probably think of you more.
<chuckles to self> hah I'm so funny.
Hey you know what else? There may be no "i" in "Team", but there are three in "narcissistic". Heh, yeah I should do stand up.
D: Are you now just talking to yourself?
J: Of course! Sometimes I need a professional opinion.
D: Wow is there anything bigger than your ego?
J: <glances down at own crotch> heh yeah there's one thing, you can examine me if you want?
D: Oh God...
J: Please, call me Justin.
D: Were you dropped as a baby?
J: Yeah, from Mount Olympus!
D: I can not believe you actually have a wife.
J: Well... see my wife's actually leaving me because of my ego. So I told her to close the door - on her way back in.
D: I’m not so sure how to tell this to you, but bluntly... you have the sex appeal of a chair.
J: Well chairs get a lot of ass. Oh, and doc, I was wondering, why do I get a raging erection whenever I look at myself in the mirror?
D: That's because your cock thinks you're a cunt too.
<lights down>
Check out: The Secret to Being Awesome
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
The Lebanese Network
 |
| Spot all the stereotypes! (Click on the image to get it into the forefront) |
For other racist humour check out this music video parody I wrote: Ed Sheeran's A+ Team
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Single Ladies, I know how you feel, I was once in your shoes
This was a fun and embarassing video back in 2011 I did with Rose (in case you couldn't tell, she's the one with better legs, to the left (to the left))... I swear I know more of the actual lyrics now.
Sassy, wild, free
Previous Post: Great Expectations
Monday, September 23, 2013
Great Expectations
Expectations vs reality when I ________.
a) Spray on a can of Lynx deodorant
b) Became a medical student
c) Take off my top
I found this novelty over-sized Kleenex tissue box in a supermarket in some random rural town whilst on a road-trip. At the time I was so excited to take a photo of it. In hindsight, I now realise how pathetic it makes me look hah.
Previous Post: South-West Side Story, A Sydney Musical
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