The following is the script to a skit from a comedy show I co-directed in 2011. Imagine heavy accents for full effect.
EDIT: The original (shorter) version of this skit I wrote, on stage can be seen here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=RAgMQ27B1Ys#t=3322
EDIT: The original (shorter) version of this skit I wrote, on stage can be seen here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=RAgMQ27B1Ys#t=3322
South-West Side Story: The Musical
Shakespearian narration: “Two ethnic gangs… Both alike in minorities… In fair Bankstown, where we lay our scene… From recent grudge... break to... recent ethnicity…where thick accents makes street races non-understandable: from forth the souped up cars of these two foes, a pair of southern cross’d haters threaten each others life...
this is... South-West Side Story: The Musical”
<lights up>
Leb Gang Leader: Oy! Nguwens get off our turf. Yallah. Yallah, We the Lebkemba Boys claim Bankstown as our territory. Stop squatting on our land.
Viet Gang Leader: <squatting on the ground, inhales cigarette> Joy-oi. Mohammed what you doing here, we the caBra boys pay the top dollar! Bankstown is the viet-town now. We the most gangdah here.
Leb Gang Leader: pfft bullshit, me and my cuz’s here got like the fully sickest beats bro.
Viet Gang Leader: We will fully sickest beats you in the hip hop... we the best at RnB
Leb Gang Leader: RnB-eh? more like refugee-eh. Bring it on.
<Viet gang member 1 beat boxes>
Viet Gang Leader: oh kay.. .Shawty had them Apple bottom jeans, boots with the Pho
[Flo Rida - Low]
Leb Gang Leader & Members: Oh, oh, oh oh oh oh, Okh, my Khawd...
[Usher – OMG]
Viet Gang Leader: I bring sexy back!
Viet Gang member: Yeah!
[Justin Timberlake – Sexy Back]
Viet Gang Leader: but I could not get the refund, because I pay in cash
Viet Gang member: it was on sale.
Leb Gang Leader: I took his money, I was in need, yeah I don’t want a job, indeed, oh I'm a dolebludger
Leb Gang Member 1: bludge all the time
Leb Gang Leader: chicks dig me.
Leb Gang Member 2: Dooga-dooga-dooga
[Kanye West - Gold digger]
Leb gang leader: I see you drivin round town
And I call my cuz, and we
All lebs: roll you
Leb gang member 1: Subaru-u!
Leb gang leader: And if the change in your pocket
Isn’t enough, then we’ll
All Lebs: stab you, and your mutha too
[Ceelo Green - Fuck You]
Viet Leader: You see me driving round town
in my honda civic, and we -
All Viets: crash you - ooh ooh
Leb Gang Leader:
You can ride with me in Berala
Yallah, yallah, yallah, yeah, yeah, yeah
[Rihanna – Umbrella]
Viet Gang Leader: Cabramatta Girls you undeniable, AA-cup bras on top, skin so yellow, they all look the identical.
All Viets: Pho-Oh oh oh oh
[Katy Perry – California Girls]
Leb Gang Leader: Aussie girls are so assaultable... <puts hand up for high-5>
Leb Gang Member 1: Habibi ,that’s not cool cuz! not cool. It’s got to be politically correct like...
Lebo girls are so unidentifiable, burqa covering face on top!
Leb Gang Leader: Uh okay, how about...
Teach me how to roofie, teach me teach me how to roofie?!
[Cali Swag District - Teach Me How to Dougie]
<awkward silence>
Leb Gang Member 2: <changes song> I whip my mullet back and forth!
All Lebs: I whip my mullet back and forth! I whip my mullet back and forth! I whip my mullet back and forth!
[Willow Smith - Whip my hair]
Teach me how to roofie, teach me teach me how to roofie?!
[Cali Swag District - Teach Me How to Dougie]
<awkward silence>
Leb Gang Member 2: <changes song> I whip my mullet back and forth!
All Lebs: I whip my mullet back and forth! I whip my mullet back and forth! I whip my mullet back and forth!
[Willow Smith - Whip my hair]
Viet Gang
Leader:
Cause baby use the firewok, I eat from stir-fry noodle pork, make me go Pho Pho Pho, as chicken fry-y-y
[Katy Perry – Firework]
Leb Gang Leader: Our food is better than your pathetic noodles. Everyone knows the famous saying, “Hommus is where the heart is”
Leb Gang Member 1: <nods> Hommus sweet hommus
Viet Gang Member 1: Rice rice baby
[Vanilla Ice – Baby]
Cause baby use the firewok, I eat from stir-fry noodle pork, make me go Pho Pho Pho, as chicken fry-y-y
[Katy Perry – Firework]
Leb Gang Leader: Our food is better than your pathetic noodles. Everyone knows the famous saying, “Hommus is where the heart is”
Leb Gang Member 1: <nods> Hommus sweet hommus
Viet Gang Member 1: Rice rice baby
[Vanilla Ice – Baby]
Leb Gang Member 1: Pfft.. rice.
So many carbs. You need brotein.<Flexes muscles, whilst going on his knees>
Leb Gang Member 2: For tonight we dine in halal! <300 Style, kicks his gang-friend in the chest>
Leb Gang Leader:
Hey bro, hey bro, hey bro
To Yagoona (all: to Yagoona),
to the dole (all: to the dole),
til the sauce drips down falafel,
pushing trolleys at the mall (all: the mall),
oh meat, meat, meat mother fucker,
halal meat goes down (all: goes down)
[Lil Jon - Get Low]
Viet Gang Leader: I was on a boat, I was on a boat motherfucker, I’m forever a Viet!
[Lonely Islands – I’m On A Boat]
Leb Gang Leader: This WRX... oh it speeds so good
[Lonely Islands – Just Had Sex]
Leb Gang Leader:
Hey bro, hey bro, hey bro
To Yagoona (all: to Yagoona),
to the dole (all: to the dole),
til the sauce drips down falafel,
pushing trolleys at the mall (all: the mall),
oh meat, meat, meat mother fucker,
halal meat goes down (all: goes down)
[Lil Jon - Get Low]
Viet Gang Leader: I was on a boat, I was on a boat motherfucker, I’m forever a Viet!
[Lonely Islands – I’m On A Boat]
Leb Gang Leader: This WRX... oh it speeds so good
[Lonely Islands – Just Had Sex]
Viet Gang Leader: Ai ya. (Oh oh) Ai...ya. (Asian girls are never fatties, Oh oh) Ai ya.
(Cause they working the rice paddy Oh oh)
Uh! Here we go now... Fake it, fake, fake it, fake it (oh oh) Shh you got to, fake it, ff-fake it, fake it, got to fake it, fake it like a Gusacci bag
[Outkast – Hey Ya]
Uh! Here we go now... Fake it, fake, fake it, fake it (oh oh) Shh you got to, fake it, ff-fake it, fake it, got to fake it, fake it like a Gusacci bag
[Outkast – Hey Ya]
Leb Gang Leader: Gonna stab my dagger, Gonna stab my dagger
[Maroon 5 – Move Like Jagger]
<Leb gangsters pretend 'stab' each other, then fall down on the ground>
Viet Gang Leader: Everyday I’m Studying[LMFAO – Everyday I’m Shuffling]
Leb Gang Leader: Wake up in the morning feeling like haybibi, grab my bumbag and my tanktop, to stereosonic
[Kesha – Tik Tok]
Leb Gang Leader: Will the
real Mohammed please stand up? Please stand up?!
<All the Lebs stand up>
[Eminem – The Real Slim Shady]
<All the Lebs stand up>
[Eminem – The Real Slim Shady]
Viet Gang Leader: That’s not my nam’, That’s not my nam’, They call me An Binh, and Huynh,
but I’m a Nguyen
[The Tings Tings – That’s Not My Name]
Leb Gang Leader: Eating falafels, rolling down George street
[Adele – Rolling in the Deep]
[The Tings Tings – That’s Not My Name]
Leb Gang Leader: Eating falafels, rolling down George street
[Adele – Rolling in the Deep]
Viet Gang
Leader: Can you meet me Easyway, right
at the queue line, and get moochi for two?
[Black Eyed Peas – Meet me Halfway]
[Black Eyed Peas – Meet me Halfway]
Leb Gang Leader:
Bromeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel
This TAFE is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of Berala
It's a cool story, habibi just say yallah
[Taylor Swift – Love Story]
Viet Gang Leader:
Eye slits, Yellow face, driving test all mistakes,
Burnt tyres, Slam brakes, Light’s gone, car dent, Too cheap for insurance
Hit curb, pavement,
And they say, we hate indic-A-ting, colourblind to green, dreams of auto-parking, But lately
our skills seems, Slowly sinking , driving, like a GTA wet dream, and kids scream
The victims flatter than an A bust
(Well) we drove the tanks in tian-nan-men, Reflexes like a couple gramps
And the dashboard is way too high, no sight
That’s why our kind rides bikes in the Motherland
Squints hits the lollipop man
It’s too bright outside
For Asians to drive
[Ed Sheeran – A Team]
Bromeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel
This TAFE is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of Berala
It's a cool story, habibi just say yallah
[Taylor Swift – Love Story]
Viet Gang Leader:
Eye slits, Yellow face, driving test all mistakes,
Burnt tyres, Slam brakes, Light’s gone, car dent, Too cheap for insurance
Hit curb, pavement,
And they say, we hate indic-A-ting, colourblind to green, dreams of auto-parking, But lately
our skills seems, Slowly sinking , driving, like a GTA wet dream, and kids scream
The victims flatter than an A bust
(Well) we drove the tanks in tian-nan-men, Reflexes like a couple gramps
And the dashboard is way too high, no sight
That’s why our kind rides bikes in the Motherland
Squints hits the lollipop man
It’s too bright outside
For Asians to drive
[Ed Sheeran – A Team]
Viet Gang
Leader: We just went the vietcong on your ass
Leb Gang Leader: Pfft.. you wish. The only gym youse Asians go to is the Pokemon gym. So get in your tuk tuks and rickshaws and head back to your nail beauty salons.
Viet Gang Leader: We don't go to beauty salon to defeat you, we go to the Bilo, and then win, cause we buy the Ajax Spray & Wipe cause it's ‘tough on all things greasy’
Leb Gang Leader: Pfft.. you wish. The only gym youse Asians go to is the Pokemon gym. So get in your tuk tuks and rickshaws and head back to your nail beauty salons.
Viet Gang Leader: We don't go to beauty salon to defeat you, we go to the Bilo, and then win, cause we buy the Ajax Spray & Wipe cause it's ‘tough on all things greasy’
<Gangs get
more intimidating towards each other>
Leb Gang Leader:
You’re so jelly, Oh so jelly, I feel aesthetic, zyzzy and tight!
And I pity, Any brah who isn’t me tonight (all: Tralalalala)
Mirin’ the ripped leb in that mirror there: Who can that shredded brah be?
Such a pretty face, Such a pretty jaw, Such a pretty arm, Brah Come at me!
[West Side Story – I Feel Pretty]
Leb Gang Leader:
You’re so jelly, Oh so jelly, I feel aesthetic, zyzzy and tight!
And I pity, Any brah who isn’t me tonight (all: Tralalalala)
Mirin’ the ripped leb in that mirror there: Who can that shredded brah be?
Such a pretty face, Such a pretty jaw, Such a pretty arm, Brah Come at me!
[West Side Story – I Feel Pretty]
Leb Gang Leader: On the Scale of 1 to Bro, How much do you wanna
come at us?
Viet Gang Leader: Bukakke bitch.
<Gangsters do the crude jerking off gesture, then start dancing musical style like West Side Story>
Viet Gang Leader: Bukakke bitch.
<Gangsters do the crude jerking off gesture, then start dancing musical style like West Side Story>
Viet Gang
Leader: When you’re a Viet, You’re a Viet all the way, From your first
sweatshop, To your last sugarcane
[West Side Story – Jet]
Leb Gang Leader:
I like to be in Yagoona!
O.K. by me in Lakemba!
Nothing beats Berala!
Smoking heaps of shisha!
[West Side Story – America]
[West Side Story – Jet]
Leb Gang Leader:
I like to be in Yagoona!
O.K. by me in Lakemba!
Nothing beats Berala!
Smoking heaps of shisha!
[West Side Story – America]
Viet gang Leader: You losers should hurry home, and go watch the Amazing Racist, Malcolm in the Middle East, and Jihad shore.
Leb Gang Member 1: Oh shit boss... how you gonna deal with such disrespect?
Leb Gang Leader: Bro, when life gives you hate, you make haterade. And now I’m gonna serve them a drink full of disrespectrolytes. Hit it! <Leb Gang Member beatboxes>
Now I’m down in Lakemba,
Right next to Bankstown Centro,
But grew up in Berala,
I’m as hairy as Chewbacca,
And since I made it here,
I can make it anywhere,
Yeah they love me everywhere,
I used to wag in Auburn,
Which is why I don’t know how to spell
But I make some mean falafel,
Brought me back to that McDonalds,
Took it to my kebab shop,
Adidas on my feet,
Catch me in my rexi, in my trackies by Fubu,
Cruising down George street,
in my subaru,
Tell by my attitude that I most definitely from…
Lebanon
Centrelink is where I get my money, oh
but I also work as a bouncer....
[Alicia Keys – New York]
Vietnamese: Vietnam! Communist jungle refugees escape from, oh There’s nothing you can do, when you’re in the Vietnam, all the police do is-a shoot you. shoot you the vietnam!
Viet Gang Leader: I throw my calcurator in the air sometimes... saying
All Viet Gang members: Ai-yah.
Viet Gang Leader: cannot get 100
All Viet Gang members: ATAR!
[Taio Cruz – Dynamite]
<Lebs start closing in>
Leb Gang Leader: Who let the FOBs out?
All Lebs: poof poof poof poof
Viet Gang Leader: Who let the ugly Wogs out?
All Viets: douche douche douche douche
Leb: Who let the ugly dogs out?
Viet Gang Leader: We do. We take the dawg and then we eat the dog, so yummy!
<lights down>
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