Happy Diwali

Himachal Pradesh, India. [Modification of a photo by Kaipu]

To celebrate this annual Hindu festival with my Indian friends, I wanted to point out something interesting I had noticed about the above colourful photo, which inspired me to make this following image pun :)

Which reminds me of this semi-related video from 2005 Med Revue.

Since it is the appropriate month, I'd also like to suggest that Wally is a great costume idea for a Halloween (or any theme costumed party). Just hide in the background and photobomb random people's photos.

SHALLOWEEN

Halloween... a celebration of the supernatural world, where children accept candy from strangers and women wear outfits that scream 'daddy issues'.
But the one thing Halloween is all about, is the costumes.

I remember last year on Halloween, the following happened:

"The door bell rang this morning, waking me from my slumber. Saw the scariest & most convincing Halloween costume... a Jehovah's Witness."

By evening, I had ordered a pizza for home-delivery. When it arrived, I told the pizza delivery guy how impressed I was by how authentic his costume looked, gave him candy and then closed the door.
Then that night, for both Halloween parties I was invited to, I went as a Chilean miner trapped...
at home, watching TV and eating pizza. But don't take me as anti-social though, I really wanted to go and dress up in a clitoris outfit, but I just didn't know where to start finding it.
Thinking back, I really should have just said that I went, and if people mentioned that they didn't see me, I should have replied, "That's because my ninja costume was AWESOME."

However, I am better prepared this year. In fact, I have collated a list of the best potential Halloween costumes that are truly horrifying:

• A positive home pregnancy test
• As zombie Steve Jobs with a diseased pancreas with a sign that says "I guess PC won."  (PC - Pancreatic Cancer)
• A superman costume in a wheelchair
• A dinosaur with a bloody crotch - the Jurassic Period
• An Islamic terrorist that throws flour at children yelling "ANTHRAX!"
• Adolf Hitler as a 99% protester with a sign that says "Occupy Poland"
• As Michael J Fox or Mohammed Ali carrying around cutouts of Japan, New Zealand, Chile and Haiti

• Sexy Mohammed
• Hitler carrying an Easy-Bake oven
• An abandoned Chinese baby girl due to the 1 child policy (with a tag that says: 'Made in Vagina')

Chinese Diner

This smart alecs' advice is also pretty awesome:

or his:



It's pretty easy to guess what he went to Halloween as that year...

Single.

But if you're not single, and/or going with a mate, here's some ideas for partner costuming:

• Wear a lab coat and carry a clipboard and get a friend to wear all black splotchy clothes . To those who ask "what are you", reply with the question "what do YOU think she is?" (Rorschach Ink blot test)
• Wear normal clothes and get a friend to wear a suit. Go as "Mac" from the "Mac vs PC" ads. Laziness win.

That year, Joe decided to go as a burn victim

But if you don't think those suggestions will make the night truly terrifying enough, I also suggest taking it to next level and:

• Go as Zombie Jesus or an Abortion Clinic Doctor to Church.
• Dress up as a grim reaper and stroll through the Intensive Care Unit hospital ward. Or compliment kids for their Freddy Kreuger costumes in the burns unit.
• Go as Pacman with a cherry and chase women in burqas chanting "Wakawakawaka".

 
• Knock on Jehovah's Witnesses doors dressed up as a blood transfusion pack.
• Ladies, put on a messy hairdo, pajamas and robes, and then when people ask who you are, say, "Your mum."
• Go as a Muslim with a backpack.
• Put on a light blue top, attach cotton balls and hold a water spray-bottle, and then when people ask who you are, say, "Partly cloudy with a chance of rain, biatch." Then spray them in the face.
• Wear a beret, put on a light blue top, attach blue-dyed tampons, and then when people ask who you are, say, "Picasso's Blue Period."
• An old one I hear often is "Only wear pants to the party", and then when people ask who you are, say, "Premature ejaculation. I just came in my pants."  That costume definitely falls under the category of 'too soon'.
  

However, what pisses me off more than anything, is how there is a sexy halloween costume of everything. Unless that skimpy outfit is revealing an extremely ugly body, I don't exactly understand how looking like sexy police officer is meant to embrace the spirit of horror? Being a straight guy, I shouldn't complain about this phenomenon, but it does peeve me when it reaches heights of ridiculousness like this:

Whilst researching, in my Google search history, I've discovered 'sexy teletubbies', 'sexy human centipede' 'sexy hitler' and 'sexy spongebob' do actually exist O_o

Of course, if you're too scared to go for any of the above costumes, I have few other (incredibly lazy) suggestions:
 

Wear a bluetooth headset and go as a corporate douchebag

 

Nickelback

I'm a ceiling fan!

A man you can count on

Iron Chef

When people ask who you are, give them lemons.

The life of the lemon-party!
But no seriously, life after college is pretty scary.

A female friendly version - wear a slip dress with the following sign:

A Freudian Slip!

A tyre with no spokes + and a cape

An unspoken hero

Consume alcohol as you would normally. Then when someone asks you what you are for Halloween, say "drunk"

Just start hitting people with an alarm clock

"OWWW! Why did you punch me for no reason?"
"I'm a rude awakening"

Start wearing Xmas decorations. No one likes seeing that crap two months out.

Throw together a bunch of completely random items:

When people ask "what are you supposed to be?", say "Guess!"
After failing to so and giving up, say
"I'm a conversation starter!"

Fish costume + Kanye West glasses = Gay fish

 Or be brave and just wear nothing except for roller-skates

"I'm a pull toy"


n.b. Do not ask me what parts of the internet I had to delve into, to find an appropriate photo that would suit this section. It again reinforces the old internet adage, that 'if you can think of it, it probably already exists'.

Another lazy idea:
"What have you come as?"
"A werewolf."
"But you're just dressed in normal clothes?"
"Well it's not a full moon yet is it, dickhead?"


So what will YOU dress up as?


No seriously, all jokes aside, I really want to know what your Halloween costume will be,
because last year you were a cunt.


*Disclaimer: Apologies for the offensive nature of this post. Rest assured, if Prince Harry is going to dress up as a Nazi, then I have every right to dress up as Zombie Princess Diana (a sure-fire hit! (and run)).

This is why I always carry a Snicker bar around. You never know when it might be useful

*When I wrote a sketch-comedy show earlier this year, I somehow miraculously avoided using any Japanese earthquake jokes. However, that didn't stop me from mentioning them in bad taste in conversations, which only got deserved calls of 'too soon'.
Too soon?
More like too soonami.

If you liked this post, check out: How to Name Your Baby and the Sex Organs that Created Them
Previous Post: Ke$ha Tik Tok Parody

Ke$ha Tik Tok Parody

Wake up in the morning feeling like zinger and chicken,
put my towelette on, open my jaw, gonna be finger'lickin'
Before I feast, brush my teeth with a supervariety bucket
cause when you give me a nugget, you can bet I'm gonna fu- suck it.

I'm talking, wings and crispy strips strips
coleslaw and potato chips, chips
secret spices and dip, dip
Drop-toppings, eating my favourite gravy,
pulling up to the KFC
Going to get a little bit greasy...

Don't stop, make it popcorn chicken

Just a quick parody I wrote in my lunch-break (eating my regular vegetarian food) today to Ke$ha's Tik Tok. Reminds me of an older, cuter parody I wrote with a friend two years ago to the same song:

The 10 Commandos

It's now Spring! That means the sun has reappeared, alongside my testicles!

For young animals, it is a season of freedom, and for the majority, a season of reproduction...
For me, it is a season of freedom, and a season of no underwear.

Also known as freeballing or going commando, I also implore you to unshackle that cotton chastity belt around your hips, burn them like a hairy arm-pitted feminists and walk out of your car doing your best Britney Spears/Lindsay Lohan impression.
We were all born naked and there's nothing you can say to convince me that any good can come from wearing underwear.
You say 'what about modesty?' Well modesty is an artificial construct created by the propaganda of greedy capitalist pigs who own underwear-making factories in Cambodia, exploiting little amputated, orphan children.
You say 'what about warmth?' Well warmth is an artificial construct created by industrial Homo Erectus who own caves, greedily hoarding the secret of fire-sticks from the poor, freezing Neanderthals as they valiantly sheltered their little thick-browed babies from the icy winds.
You say 'it's gruesome.' Well if I spread my legs, you'd see 'it' grew some more.

I mean, sure, side effects of not wearing underwear may include getting a camel toe (aka Australian cleavage) if you are a female:

I didn't want camel toe to pop up in my image search history, so this shall substitute instead

 Or what's termed a 'moose knuckle' if you're male:

If you look closely, you'll see a ninja's foot is cleverly camouflaged

Where's Willy?

But there are many more significant benefits-
and the TEN advantages of going commando are as follows:

#1 No chafing. Don't you hate it when it feels like you're trying to walk a tightrope with just your groin?

#2 Higher sperm/egg count. The increased ventilation is pleasant. Who doesn't love a gentle breeze to blow ripples across the grass in their meadow?

#3 No wedgies. School bullies won't be able to pick on you.

#4 Ease of access in relation to: urgent toilet business, taking a quick shower and bedroom shenanigans

#5 & 6. Cheaper, since undies wear out & need to be washed; saving labour, water and electricity. This is not only financially advantageous but environmentally-conscientious.

#7 You can do a Sharon Stone, total seduction - Basic Instincts-style.

#8 It shows that you're more self-confident in your toilet-trained skills. Like your Learner's driving license plate, the natural order of things is: diapers -> undies -> commando.

#9 You won't get bellybutton fluff since it all comes from your underwear (Kruszelnicki, 2006).

#10 No unsightly waistband marks, or whale-tails.
Whale tail - a combination of low-rise jeans and thong underwear, lending to the following appearance:

David Attenborough: Whale tails are a marvelous sight of nature to behold, symbolising the joy of- wait... what do you mean this is the wrong picture?

David Attenborough: WTF?!! Holy shit, call the Japanese!!! My god...zilla.

So get rid of your underwear and send them along to me for confiscation:

PO Box 476. Morningside Qld 4170.

References
Kruszelnicki, K. (2006). Belly Button Lint and why it is almost always blue. University of Sydney.
Retrieved 10 January, 2010, from:
http://www.abc.net.au/science/k2/lint/results.htm

Appendix
Recommended Free-balling music to listen to...