He wants the V-day

Since it's Valentines, message a friend asking "Are you alone right now?". If they reply "yes", text back "LOL"

Her: I can't believe you forgot the pin to our joint bank account
Him: I'm sorry honey, it's really hard to remember. I should not have made it the date of our anniversary

I don't want sex or love, I just want to play the bongo drums on somebody's butt without being judged.

This Valentine's morning, I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of pubes and leg hair suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

When I make intense eye contact with an attractive stranger, adrenaline starts pumping, then I panic and flip into 'fight or flight mode'. So even though I know they are being flirty, I instinctually react as if they want to have a go at me. I don't smile, and stare them down, like they're a pathetic threat to my virginity.

Ever made intense eye contact for so long with someone attractive that your eyes begin to hurt because the computer monitor's too bright?

Girls call me "2 minute noodles". Despite me being quick and cheap, I'm instantly satisfying and nearby.
Hah I'm kidding, girls don't call me anything.
Girls don't call me
girls call me
girls call
call me
girls?

A shout out to all the fellow guys who've never been friendzoned, not because we're attractive, but because we have no female friends to friendzone us in the first place.

I bet Tasmanians get relative-zoned.

The foreign film adaptation of "Love Actually" is called "For Visa Actually"

Pokemon taught me the best way to catch what you want is to get your target to fall asleep then toss your balls at them persistently. Needless to say, restraining orders are my forte.

The problem with being the big spoon, is that when I wake up, my girlfriend tends to be a bit deflated.

Recently, I was sitting in the library nearby the public computer terminals, whence I spied a sweet old man skimming through Facebook photos of what looked like to be his daughter. 5 minutes later, he was fondly looking upon another daughter's photo. 10 minutes past, and a couple more 'daughters' later, I conceded he's either very Catholic, or very not.
Then sadly I wondered if that would be me in 40 years time. The ridiculousness of me ending up so pathetic made me scoff so hard that my fedora fell off as I returned my attention back to my comic book.
Also I like to now think that there's a chance that some old granny is perving on Facebook photos of me at their library.

"You're single right?"
"I know you are, but what am I?"



Gotta admit, being in long distance relationship is difficult. My girlfriend lives in the future.

Sometimes when I make eye contact with hot strangers,I try to read the thoughts behind her eyes.
"oh shit he's looking at me" *eyes shift away, then back* "oh he's cute" "I like his confidence" "that means he's probably a douche though" "what a dickhead"
And here I am, two steps ahead, already mentally discussing my resentment about alimony payments with her best friend after she's stopped by to have a drink and console me after the divorce.

I'm actually gay, I just have super high standards

"Genie, I wish that my girlfriend is bi"
"Your wish has been granted"
*Next day*
"Genie! I meant bisexual, she was already becoming bipolar"
"My bad, I thought she was bisexual already, because you're such a little bitch"
"Yeah you can forget about that third wish for your freedom"

Anyone want to make out... a cheque to me?

If I'm ever cursed, and the spell can only be broken by true love's kiss... Chances are it's a Hershey's Kiss

I get a turn on when a lady looks at me with a vaguely pissed off expression. I like how she's prepared that I'm going to disappoint them. Ooh yeah baby, I bet I wouldn't get along with your parents too.

If I ever meet the woman of my dreams, I hope she doesn't know about my dreams

I have an internal vocabulary dilemma. Calling my partner 'girl' or 'babe' or 'baby' sounds a bit pedo. Calling her 'chick' makes me sound like a douche. 'Honey' or 'woman' sounds so patronising. 'Bae' makes me sound like an uneducated idiot. 'Lady' or 'madam' is too formal & stiff. 'Partner' makes me sound like a politically correct nerd. Since there's no perfect term for the opposite sex, I've decided that if I'm going to be judged by hos, I might as well sound G.

I masturbate, so technically I've already had sex with all the hot guys in the world.

My girlfriend told me I suffer from a lack of imagination.
In response I replied that she also suffered from a lack of imagination.
Then we laughed at the irony
That she was also imaginary

My imaginary girlfriend has real boobs

Adam: Yo God, I have 12 more pairs or ribs! Make more women!

At the convenience store today I commented "The weather's so bad aye? My hayfever is playing up, and I hate chapped lips". It hurt that the clerk still maintained his look of disgust as I bought the tissues and Vaseline.

Mate these camo shorts will really help me in my hunt for women

You may have a hot girlfriend, but I have a hot box of pizza

Snapchats or it didn't happen... oh wait.

Introducing, my best pick up lines:
"I run faster horny than you do scared"
"Baby, don’t punish me for loving you. That’s the police’s job."
"My left testicle is called peanut butter, and the right is called jelly. Want a taste?"
"Did you know when we kiss we form a long tube with assholes on each end?"

If you're on a date, and the other person really likes you, but you're not so keen on them, the quickest way to make them hate you is to invite them over to play Monopoly.

I hate relationships unless they're 33.33% me.

I've held hands with many women in my life, but I don't think taking their pulse as a doctor counts.
Being a doctor is difficult, because we're always thinking about medicine. If someone says "You're starting to grow on me", my brain says "Like Thrush? Irritatingly? Slowly and malignantly like skin cancer?"

I have OCD. So before a blowjob, the lady should wash her mouth.

When feeling a bit more romantic, I light some candles, turn on rainymood.com, and then use lavender oil as I please myself.
As romantic as a blowjob in the rain

A moment of silent agony for all the obvious clues given by interested girls that we oblivious guys have missed. Arghhh...

I knew she was the one when she seductively flipped her silky, shiny, leg hair

"Can you teach me how to take off a woman's bra?"
"If you're ever in the scenario like that, just use the knife you brought along."

It would be entertaining to watch a lady receive cunnilingus by a ventriloquist. "Oh God! you're amazing!" Whose actually moaning?

Girls just want someone to hold their hand in crowded places and talk to cashiers for them. They're kind of like cats, they pick you, you don’t pick them.
Girls also don't like being told what to do unless they're naked. Also I think girls who act the sassiest are the ones who probably cry the most.

I found it adorably quirky how a girl today said "I love you" to me whilst looking into the eyes of some guy she was holding hands with.

I hope that one day showing your middle finger to someone, but flipped towards yourself, becomes recognised as a compliment that means 'fuck me'.
I'd prefer this as a sign of flirtation, because winking makes me look like I'm having a stroke.

Are you in love with me? No? *offers the last slice of pizza* How about now?

Kids these day have it so easy. To woo a woman, guys used to send flowers and write love letters. Now a winky emoticon on a grainy 10-second dick photo over Snapchat is a sign of affection. I'm scared what in 20 years time will be first sign of affection teenagers show each other? Bukkake?

The worst thing about masturbating in the shower, is that you have to be quick or you'll be interrupted by the security at IKEA.

Babe, I want us to make the next step in our relationship, will you tell me your WiFi password?

Butterfriends: Great girl, but her friends are annoying and stupid.

I'm taking the tortoise and hare approach to love. Whilst everyone else is sleeping around like the rabbit, I'm spending the entire time just in my home like the tortoise.

When I invite ladies over to sleep in my room, I prefer being on top. That way I'm furthest away from the monsters under the bunk bed.

"Mate, I know you have a case of major yellow fever. What happened to that Chinese girl you met on the beach last month?"
"Yeah. Sadly, it just didn't work out I guess."
"Don't worry. There's plenty of fish in the sea. There's also plenty of Asian tourists getting caught in riptides in the sea."

The ache will fade with time, I didn't know something that I loved so much could do this to me.
gahhh brain freeze from too much ice-cream.

You know can get viruses if you have unprotected
... WiFi

I have enough troubles trying to find Wally in a kid's book, how the fuck am I meant to find the one?

It really turns me on watching a woman pleasure herself.
So go on ladies, take off that bra & slide that scoop of ice cream in your mouth, whilst watching a Ryan Gosling film.

I hear the terms of affection 'sweetie' and 'oh honey' a lot from all the women I know. I'm so loved .

I wonder if love-sick pessimists pull off flower petals muttering "He hates me", "He hates me not", "He hates me", "He hates me not", "I fucking knew it"

I'm in an unrequited long distance relationship. Or as she prefers to call it: 'a restraining order'

"Hi thanks for the invite. Can I bring a +1 to the party? You can meet my new girlfriend :)"
"Mate, you're a mathematician. The question you should be asking is if you can bring the root square of -1?"
"..."
"Because she's imaginary, geddit? *nudge* :D"
"I'm tired of your jokes"
"Geez, you're no fun... I guess she really likes to root a square...
...
"Because she's imaginary, geddit?"

Tip: Guys when you're on a date, don't wear shorts.
That way you can hide your electronic ankle bracelet monitor #commonsense
Today's post is dedicated all my fellow single friends. There are a lot of you, since you're nerds who are in medicine/university etc. So please be careful when chortling not to choke on that block of chocolate. It would be pathetic if you died alone [your cat doesn't count as company]. Keep your double chin up, I'm sure you'll eventually find the one.

Ladies, Valentine's day is today, so if you are secretly in love me, I suggest you let me know now. I've already let myself know.

Previous Posts

• February 2014: My Friends are Dead... I Random Over
• January 2014: Buckets have a Human List
• December 2013: Blood, Sweatpants and Tears

Related Post: February 2015: Valentine Throwback

My Friends Are Dead... I Random Over

To hear someone say to you "Don't worry, I don't facebook stalk you, you're not worth it" is the definition of conflicted feelings.

My mum prepares the most delicious vegetarian meals. So I'm not sure whether or not to call her my favourite chef or gardener.

Studies show that the leading cause of colour blindness is cycling, because they sure as hell can't tell the difference between red and green.

I want to see a Harry Potter sequel where a grown-up Matilda meets Hermione Granger and they become bffs. (And have a magical pillow fight).

Sometimes I wonder if girls who upload hot selfies are totally aware of what they're doing, and mentally smirk everytime a guy likes their photo, thinking "hmm... yeah he wants the V"

I don't have forearms, I have 5arms, because that's one more than four.

That's what sheep said - New Zealander

The Government should put in a policy to give teenagers access to better internet. Porn websites are why teen pregnancy rates are so low.

Sir Attenborough: "Pandas have a natural reflex to keep their mouths open when applying on eyeliner, but they're utterly shit at it."

Do you know how celebrities become so famous they need a security guard?
I wonder if I'm invisible and inconsequential enough to require an insecurity guard.

I want a pet parrot, and name it Flying Fuck.

I like how society is conscientious enough that people with disabilities get priority parking spots, and birds with disabilities get priority potato chips.

Snails will never know the pleasure of tequila shot.

I'm a busy person, so I find that orgies are just a more efficient use of time.

When I meet a friend's dad, I have to stop myself from mentioning, "Isn't it amazing how one of your orgasms from decades ago has led to our meeting today?"

Thor is an expert in treating colon cancer. He's an Asgardian.

If I was Prime Minister, the Water Police would get an aquatic equivalent to police dogs. Something like well-trained police dolphins. With geared-up police turtle for amphibious missions.

You know you've had a long day when you find yourself googling "Was Hitler breastfed?" and "Shark blowjobs"

I don't like Strip clubs. The thought of being surrounded by strangers who all have erections is creepy. Also strip clubs have way too many boundaries, that's why I want to go to a Moebius Strip Club, it would only have one.

I don't do drugs. I prefer the high from relieving my bowels/bladders after holding it in for far too long.

I prefer to fart in the restroom because it has nice acoustics.

Whenever a lecturer probes for a deeper answer by asking "Tell me why?", I have to restrain not singing "Ain't nothing but a heartache" out loud.

In heaven, both sides of the pillow are cool.

Thailand. Putting the he into she.

A girl told me I should fuck off and stop being a dickhead. I've never been so turned on in my life. It's like she really gets me.

One should be automatically forgiven for anything rude you ever say when you're on a diet.

John Lennon: Imagine there's no morning alarm, It's easy if you're unemployed.

Since your family are all doctors, when you got mad at your parents, did you threaten to run away and join a chiropractor's clinic?

To reflect my educated upbringing, I prefer to call my kitchen the food library.

Sometimes I wish I was still young, then realise I don't miss the days of being a teenager who was sad that my tv couldn't get SBS reception, or could be easily excited by the lingerie section in the K-mart catalogue, or images of women coughing.

"My life is ruthless without you"
"You're just saying that because my name is Ruth"

"What word is most often spelled incorrectly?"
"Incorrectly?"

"Why did you decide to have a kid?"
"For shits and giggles"

TV idea: A bisexual edition of The Bachelor where the man's romantic interest pool is half men and half women. The amount of bitching would win an Emmy for drama.

On a date:
"I'm all for equality, which is why when on a date, ladies shouldn't only be the ones to put in the effort to wear matching underwear. As a guy I do it too."
"But guys don't wear bras?"
"That's exactly why I'm full commando now"

Hardcore Dare: Drinking and playing "never have I ever" with your parents

I just ate the final Tim Tam... . All of sudden, I now just 'get' Taylor Swift.

Sometimes at home, I like to wear a red t-shirt and nothing else, and pretend I'm Winnie the Pooh

Her hair was beautiful, the colour of McDonald french fries

When I get arrested by the cops, I like to pretend to be asleep in the car so they'll carry me inside.

I have a policy of not wishing happy birthday to those who were born via C-section. Their mother never gave 'birth' to them organically. They were excised and removed surgicially, evicted like an unwanted tenant, and worst of all, have technically never been in their mother's vagina.

Bestiality enthusiasts society taglines: "We put the orgasm into organism... the anal in animal...
the sperm in spermwhale."

If New Zealand is Middle Earth with all of it's beautiful scenery, then with all of its creatures trying to kill you, Australia must be Mordor.

Dreamt that upon spotting a strange creature I excitedly exclaimed "Camel!", but it turned out to be a cow mooing. So I tried to justify that I meant "Cow moo" in the first place. When I realised what I did, I groaned so hard I woke myself up. Anyone know how to punch your unconscious?

Home is where you've worked out how to put the shower at the right temperature.Previous collections

• January 14: Buckets have a Human List
• December 13: Blood, Sweatpants and Tears