I wonder if Hogwarts students are also pissed off about the prices of textbooks
"Sex is like pizza, even when it's bad, it's still good" is inaccurate.
When I have sex with pizza, even when it's good, it's still pretty bad
I propose that we just start spelling it as 'equasian'
Watching the Fast and the Furious the other night really gives me NOStalgia
Going to direct Arts/COFA Revue! It'll be called: Black to the Fuschia
Canberra (n): The space between Sydney and Melbourne
I really dislike Ricky Martin. He can go suck a dick...
A moment of silence for the first and last slices of bread, the undesirable extra-crusty pieces that protects the soft fluffy interior. They're the hero our hunger deserves, but not the one it needs right now... The silent guardian of the loaf.
Sometimes I'm really shy around people, but I found a good confidence trick. When I'm around somebody, I think about what they are like when they are having sex. How they moan, what faces they make, how kinky/freaky they are, and just presume the worse.
I don't get why people want x-ray vision as a superpower. I already use my imagination to visualize everyone I see as naked.
I get paranoid that people can read my thoughts so I try to confuse and intercept them with random thoughts and dolphin rainbows and bluff meta-thinking like: "I know you can read my thoughts"
If I was ever a school teacher, my kids would have to constantly play "Musical Chairs" to the theme song of Game of Thrones; my favourites would be nicknamed Tyrion/Arya; the annoying kid would be called Joffrey; and I would constantly exclaim out loud "You know nothing!" in a thick accent
"Golden showers" sounds more awesome than it really is
Being efficient and using excess shampoo on eyebrows, armpit and nose hair
Spiders like creeping around girls bedrooms because there's a chance the human will use hairspray on them, and then their hair will look amazing
My ideal weight is Emma Watson on top of me
Personally, I don't like how the tooth gap in modelling (aka "the London Look") is being glamourised. With thigh gaps being a thing, let's not make wide tooth gaps one too. Yes, spinach won't ever get stuck, and she can whistle with an open mouth, but it looks like she kissed a chisel and the chisel won.
Sorry darling, but it's hard to gaze into your beautiful eyes if it seems like your teeth got a divorce.
On the other hand of imperfections, who else secretly enjoys that although some celebrities may be good-looking, they look 'dumb'? 'Hah you're hot, but look stupid'
The faces of people like Channing Tatum, and Taylor Lautner, just don't scream 'sharp intellect' (although I'm sure they're not mentally deficient). It's petty but I like that despite being genetically blessed, successful, and talented, they don't have it all. It's the small victories that count. #superficialopinions
There's something I bring on every date, because one can never be too prepared.
It starts with C, ends with M, and has more than one O.
It's pretty obvious...
Chloroform
I love how the Winter Olympic sports is essentially just sliding, but it's way much more hardcore than the Summer Olympics. Only crazy white people could have created adrenaline-inducing events like aerial ski-jumping, luge, half-pipe, hockey, snowboard cross, skeleton, and curling.
Oh please plebs, I don't eat popcorn, I only eat indiecorn
When I draw penises, I like to also sketch some hair on it, because I'm scared of being accused as a pedophile.
Although Harry Potter married Ginny Weasley, I'll bet you a galleon that he's got a hidden folder of asian porn hidden somewhere because of his teen crush on Cho-Chang. Also I bet those wizards probably have a magazine with magical gifs called Playwitch? There's a reason why James Potter gave his son the invisibility cloak ^.^
I accused my girlfriend of having a baby inside of her.
She denied it, but I eventually got it out of her
Deciding not to exercise today because I just ate a fruit
Fruit Roll-ups count as fruit right?
I find it really jarring when movies that are set in the country or in the past, show actors with perfect teeth, well-groomed hair, and pristine skin. It's so unrealistic. The only exception is Brokeback mountain, because even homosexual cowboys would know how to take care of themselves properly
You know you're hungry for pancakes when you're watching Lord of the Rings, and start wondering if the Ents blood would make a delicious maple syrup.
You know what's handy about the word handy? You can just spell it in two letters.
H and y. #bands #panda #wands
Know how burping after a meal is considered a compliment to the chef in some cultures? Well us doctors really appreciate it when you fart after a prostate exam
I'm always optimistic when it comes to my chances with the opposite sex. I come from a long line of people getting laid
Don't mess with him. I heard he was a chewing gum dealer in Singapore
If I murdered someone, my ego would make me want to boast about it, but my intellect would wish not to be caught. So I'd use snapchat so there's no residual evidence. And if someone screenshots it, I'll know who my real friends are... #perfectplan
That moment when you're looking at other people's bikini photos, and you go too far and accidentally like/tag one from years ago. That's when you 'like' all the rest of her pics and send her a message saying your mate liked them, not you.
And a "i'm gay penis" status.
Shit works. It's like if I get a stain from pasta/wine on a white shirt, it's just easier to stain the whole shirt and now make it a red item of clothing.
[Disclaimer: The following is for those who don't mind a few boundaries of their humour being pushed]
Narrator for a show: "Presenting... 'So you think you can fly a plane'"
[Lights up]
<Nothing on stage>
"...Malaysia"
"For people who didn't get it, that joke was so far over your head it was on flight MH370."
"hahaha I lost it at that one"
"Just like the Malaysian government"
"oooh that joke was funnier than a doco on child abuse"
"ah...that's not funny"
"Exactly why used it as an example."
"That's not how comparisons work. It's like saying it'll have better acting than Keanu Reeve, better singing than Stephen Hawking & better dancing than Stephen Hawking"
"Hey that's funny! Like a doco on ch-"
"Wow, you've got serious issues"
"Yeah...I was hit as a kid."
Previous Collections
"Sex is like pizza, even when it's bad, it's still good" is inaccurate.
When I have sex with pizza, even when it's good, it's still pretty bad
I propose that we just start spelling it as 'equasian'
Watching the Fast and the Furious the other night really gives me NOStalgia
Going to direct Arts/COFA Revue! It'll be called: Black to the Fuschia
Canberra (n): The space between Sydney and Melbourne
I really dislike Ricky Martin. He can go suck a dick...
A moment of silence for the first and last slices of bread, the undesirable extra-crusty pieces that protects the soft fluffy interior. They're the hero our hunger deserves, but not the one it needs right now... The silent guardian of the loaf.
Sometimes I'm really shy around people, but I found a good confidence trick. When I'm around somebody, I think about what they are like when they are having sex. How they moan, what faces they make, how kinky/freaky they are, and just presume the worse.
I don't get why people want x-ray vision as a superpower. I already use my imagination to visualize everyone I see as naked.
I get paranoid that people can read my thoughts so I try to confuse and intercept them with random thoughts and dolphin rainbows and bluff meta-thinking like: "I know you can read my thoughts"
If I was ever a school teacher, my kids would have to constantly play "Musical Chairs" to the theme song of Game of Thrones; my favourites would be nicknamed Tyrion/Arya; the annoying kid would be called Joffrey; and I would constantly exclaim out loud "You know nothing!" in a thick accent
"Golden showers" sounds more awesome than it really is
Being efficient and using excess shampoo on eyebrows, armpit and nose hair
Spiders like creeping around girls bedrooms because there's a chance the human will use hairspray on them, and then their hair will look amazing
My ideal weight is Emma Watson on top of me
Personally, I don't like how the tooth gap in modelling (aka "the London Look") is being glamourised. With thigh gaps being a thing, let's not make wide tooth gaps one too. Yes, spinach won't ever get stuck, and she can whistle with an open mouth, but it looks like she kissed a chisel and the chisel won.
Sorry darling, but it's hard to gaze into your beautiful eyes if it seems like your teeth got a divorce.
On the other hand of imperfections, who else secretly enjoys that although some celebrities may be good-looking, they look 'dumb'? 'Hah you're hot, but look stupid'
The faces of people like Channing Tatum, and Taylor Lautner, just don't scream 'sharp intellect' (although I'm sure they're not mentally deficient). It's petty but I like that despite being genetically blessed, successful, and talented, they don't have it all. It's the small victories that count. #superficialopinions
There's something I bring on every date, because one can never be too prepared.
It starts with C, ends with M, and has more than one O.
It's pretty obvious...
Chloroform
I love how the Winter Olympic sports is essentially just sliding, but it's way much more hardcore than the Summer Olympics. Only crazy white people could have created adrenaline-inducing events like aerial ski-jumping, luge, half-pipe, hockey, snowboard cross, skeleton, and curling.
Oh please plebs, I don't eat popcorn, I only eat indiecorn
When I draw penises, I like to also sketch some hair on it, because I'm scared of being accused as a pedophile.
Although Harry Potter married Ginny Weasley, I'll bet you a galleon that he's got a hidden folder of asian porn hidden somewhere because of his teen crush on Cho-Chang. Also I bet those wizards probably have a magazine with magical gifs called Playwitch? There's a reason why James Potter gave his son the invisibility cloak ^.^
I accused my girlfriend of having a baby inside of her.
She denied it, but I eventually got it out of her
Deciding not to exercise today because I just ate a fruit
Fruit Roll-ups count as fruit right?
I find it really jarring when movies that are set in the country or in the past, show actors with perfect teeth, well-groomed hair, and pristine skin. It's so unrealistic. The only exception is Brokeback mountain, because even homosexual cowboys would know how to take care of themselves properly
You know you're hungry for pancakes when you're watching Lord of the Rings, and start wondering if the Ents blood would make a delicious maple syrup.
You know what's handy about the word handy? You can just spell it in two letters.
H and y. #bands #panda #wands
Know how burping after a meal is considered a compliment to the chef in some cultures? Well us doctors really appreciate it when you fart after a prostate exam
I'm always optimistic when it comes to my chances with the opposite sex. I come from a long line of people getting laid
Don't mess with him. I heard he was a chewing gum dealer in Singapore
If I murdered someone, my ego would make me want to boast about it, but my intellect would wish not to be caught. So I'd use snapchat so there's no residual evidence. And if someone screenshots it, I'll know who my real friends are... #perfectplan
That moment when you're looking at other people's bikini photos, and you go too far and accidentally like/tag one from years ago. That's when you 'like' all the rest of her pics and send her a message saying your mate liked them, not you.
And a "i'm gay penis" status.
Shit works. It's like if I get a stain from pasta/wine on a white shirt, it's just easier to stain the whole shirt and now make it a red item of clothing.
[Disclaimer: The following is for those who don't mind a few boundaries of their humour being pushed]
Narrator for a show: "Presenting... 'So you think you can fly a plane'"
[Lights up]
<Nothing on stage>
"...Malaysia"
"For people who didn't get it, that joke was so far over your head it was on flight MH370."
"hahaha I lost it at that one"
"Just like the Malaysian government"
"oooh that joke was funnier than a doco on child abuse"
"ah...that's not funny"
"Exactly why used it as an example."
"That's not how comparisons work. It's like saying it'll have better acting than Keanu Reeve, better singing than Stephen Hawking & better dancing than Stephen Hawking"
"Hey that's funny! Like a doco on ch-"
"Wow, you've got serious issues"
"Yeah...I was hit as a kid."
Previous Collections
- Valentine's Edition: He Wants the V-Day
- February 14: My Friends are Dead... I Random Over
- January 14: Buckets have a Human List
- December 13: Blood, Sweatpants and Tears
