Whatchu Tolkien About?

Is the Lord Of The Rings film racist?

Probably not, but have you ever noticed in the epic trilogy of LOTR that there was an absence of any African-Americans actors in the cast?
So that led me thinking for fun, what if the races on Middle-Earth weren't all Caucasians, but black instead?

What if LOTR was directed by Spike Lee, and written, adapted with only African-Americans in mind?

Would it be called Lord of the Bling?
Would the three films be named: The Brotherhood of the Ring -> The Two Ghettos -> The Return of the Pimp?

Would the language be ebonified?

"You shall not pass... the basketball!"

And more interestingly, who would be cast?

Gandalf
Gandalf the Black, wisest of them all, casting is simple:

Morgan Freeman.

Aragorn

Not only does Will Smith have the protagonist's steely gaze and troubled soul act down... but

He also is royalty, the most famous one of all - the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

Legolas

 Wesley Snipes. If you've seen any Blade movies, he plays a being with supernatural fighting abilities, perfectly wielding curved, elegant sharp weapons.

Gimli
Grumpy, gruff, and powerful, but a softie on the inside:

Just like Mr. T.

"I pity the fool of a Took."

Bad Guys

Saruman

Samuel L. Jackson, or should I say, Saramuel L. Jackman?

"I have had it with these mordorfucking ents on this mordorfucking plain!"

Sauron
The Man.

Instead of a burning eye - a burning cross. Sauron symbolises evil, the oppressor, 'the white Man' keeping them down.

Sauron is also aided by the Blingwraiths, who are led by the W(h)it(e)chking.

Man

Boromir & Faramir
Brothers that command respect.

Laurence Fishburne & Denzel Washington.

Theoden & Grima Wormtongue
Theoden is king of Rohan (the Bloods) who is seduced by a long-haired temptress skilled with their tongue.

Ice-T and his companion.

Eowyn
A strong, attractive woman who insists on fighting alongside men.

Played by Beyoncé Knowles of "Run the World (Girls)" fame

Best of all, she can sing:"All the single ladies, put your hands up! If you liked it you should've put a ring on it!"

 Denethor
Denethor, Steward of Gondor (the Crips), has been corrupted by the bling and now a 'sell-out'

Did you know Snoop Dogg used to be a Crips gang member?

Thus poetically (or 'Tupac's rappingly'), it is up to the Fresh Prince Aragorn to unite the feuding Bloods and the Crips against their common enemy, to stick it to the Man, Sauron.

Elves

Elrond

The wise dad, Danny Glover.

Galadriel
The kindest and full of advice,

Whoopi Goldberg.

Arwen

The eye-candy, Halle Barry.

And hailing from the Shire (aka the Crib), are the

Hobbits

Bilbo Baggins

The much-loved and friendly, Forest Whitaker

Merry and Pippin
Two funny men that look like each other?
Chris Tucker & Chris Rock!

Sam and Frodo
Only the best friends, best partnership in the world, who sometimes lead to people joking that they might be gay.

Martin Lawrence & Will Smith from Bad Boys.

Yes Will Smith, will be playing both Frodo and Aragorn. If Lindsay Lohan can play twins in Parent Trap, and Jet Li fights against himself in the One, this should not be a problem.

However, Frodo as Gary Coleman and Sam as Tony Cox would have worked just as well, given their sizes!

Rosie
Shawty.

I'm not sure what Shawty looks like... but she is the most loved lady in many hip-hop songs.

Gollum
A black man who got twisted by Sauron’s power... corrupted by the white man himself, a ghost of his former self

Michael Jackson.

Others

Lurtz, the Uruk-hai

Intimidating, muscular build: The Rock aka Dwayne Johnson.

Shadowfax
Gandalf's magnificent steed.

Eddie Murphy as the Donkey from Shrek.



Then I thought, what about asians in Lord of the Rings?
Lord of the DumpRings?

Would the three films be named: The Scholarship of the Chink -> The Two Chopsticks -> The Return of the Dim-Sim?

But then I realised that casting would be hell since I couldn't name more than 5 Asian actors/actresses. (Maybe Hollywood's racist and cast so few asian actors all look the same anyways :P)?