Happy Halloween

My attempt at virtual pumpkin carving.

It's not very scary is it?

I think the following might be more horrifying to most people:

Refugees and Rainbows

Lesbian immigrants are the worst

Previous comic strip: Now You Have A Black Eye

Now You Have A Black Eye

Previous comic strips: Dr. Awings

Dr. Awings

A small collection of vaguely amusing comic strips I sketched whilst procrastinating from my final medical exam studies.

Update: The next collection of doodles

n.b. this is an old joke that's been around for a while. I just wanted to draw boobs

A reference to the '1 like = 1 pushup' Facebook picture that spread. I thought this was a more difficult and amusing challenge to attempt.

Dogs love Bach

Are asian babies cute because one looks adorable, and they all look the same?

GK - German Kunt?

sorry...

Previous post: A comedy skit about one dysfunctional man's attempt at finding a job (Asshole Recruitment)

Asshole Recruitment

Scene: Ian, Ivy, and Adrian are dressed in business wear, and sitting in an office.
<Lights up>

Ian: Hi Adrian, Thank you for coming in to the Jobseeker's centre. My name's Ian, and my colleague here is Ivy, and we're here to help you through the process of finding employment.

Adrian: Thanks for seeing me. Sorry for running late, my Hummer barely fit in the disabled parking spot.

Ian: Haha. Seems like we've got a joker in our midst here. Anyways, let's get this process started. First off, I just wanted to point out something odd we noticed on your practice resume. You didn't list any job referees?

Adrian: Yeah, it's because I was fired from my past job at the abattoir.

Ian: Oh?

Adrian: Apparently I took too much pleasure in killing small defenceless animals. So I got a new job in an abortion clinic.

Ivy: Okay...? Um... but you don't have a referee from that job either?

Adrian: Well I also got fired again. See at the work Christmas party my boss passed out. So I drew a dick on his face for laughs.

Ian: Oh wow, yeah that's a bit far.

Adrian: Well, I'm bad at drawing, so I traced a penis on his face, and then put it on facebook.

Ivy: Wait? You traced a what?

Adrian: I traced my penis on his -

Ivy: What? how? No don't answer that, uh- <looks at Ian in panic>

Ian: -Ok. <hurriedly changes topic, shuffling through paper sheets> So what attribute you have that you would consider is a weakness?

Adrian: Honesty

Ian: Well, I don't think honesty is an actual weakness.

Adrian: Well, I don’t give a fuck about what you think

Ivy: Okay, point proven. um.. what would you say is one of your biggest strengths?

Adrian:  My amazing memory

Ian: Could you provide us with some examples?

Adrian: Of what?

Ivy: *Ahem*... and what's your dream job?

Adrian: I want to be a psychiatrist

Ian: That's quite a noble profession. You seem like you'd know a thing or too about mental health issues.

Adrian: Yeah I want to provide psychiatric support to a ton of patients with abandonment issues and then just quit without warning.

Ivy: Ok... so moving on. It says here you're willing to work night shifts?

Adrian: I need the money. I have child support payments to make. Divorce and all that.

Ian: Oh! I'm so sorry to hear that

Adrian: Yeah, I think the last straw was when I put fake blood on my pregnant wife's inner thighs when she was asleep on April Fools

Ian: <whistles>

Adrian: It's okay, my wife screamed at me, "I never want to see you again!" so I upheld her wishes, by replacing her eye drops with battery acid.

Ian: And...um wow, ok-

Ivy: And you said you have a child? Poor kid.

Adrian: Yeah I had Nigel over at mine, last weekend. My 3 year old son was glued to the TV for the entire day. It was hilarious, I also glued the puppy to the window.

Ian: What?! That's horrible!

Ivy: Quickly moving on to another less traumatic topic, What hobbies do you have?

Adrian: Well in my spare time I like to lock Muslims in my shed with a bacon sandwich and see how long it takes for the hunger to override their allegiance to Allah.

Ivy: Is that even legal?

Ian: Ok. I think this will be the very last question. Some customer service jobs involve dealing with money and lots of complaints, do you have any such relevant experience?

Adrian: Well I once gave a prostitute a cheque that bounced. The lawyers are still working out whether I committed rape or theft.

Ian: Wow, I don't think we've sent a candidate with such disgusting, abhorrent qualities in years!

Ivy: You sir, hands down, the biggest asshole we've seen in years!

Ian: We've found the perfect job for you. Congratulations, you'd make an excellent parking ticket inspector! <Adrian offers to shakes hands, but as Ian reaches, Adrian moves his hand away to stroke his hair, like a typical douchebag>

<Lights down>

I love myself, but I'm not in love with myself

On Facebook, I once went through a phase where I befriended every other person who had the same name as me. It was mainly done in order to make the following happen on my newsfeed:

Being in a complicated, open, relationship with myself led to a peculiar thought, what happens if a person with dissociative identity disorder (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder) [or identical/conjoined twins] ended up having a relationship between their 'selfs'?
I once read a psychiatric case where one patient's personality would be conscious of  another personality in that same body, and not vice versa. Other odd things included a scenario where one personality could speak a language, and the other couldn't, or even where one identity was allergic to a substance, and the others weren't. These interesting scenarios, spring up interesting philosophical discussions of the concept of self, but I became far more amused at the idea of breaking up with oneself, and dramatising it as a daytime soap opera.


Husky-voiced Monologue:
I was a perfect match for me; smart, baseline attractive after 3 drinks, and slightly deluded. I too thought he was 'the one', since we shared so many similar interests, however like all summer romances, it came to a cold end...

"Baby, you know you're the better half of me right?"

"Mhmm?"

"I love you, but-but I'm sorry, I think... we should take a break for a while."

"What??"

"I'm sorry it has to be this way, but I felt you would take it better if I talked to you face to face (with a mirror), instead of callously texting you. And to be fair, it's not like you couldn't tell this was coming. You know I have commitment issues."

*sob* "But why?? I love you?"

"Sorry babe, it's me, not you."

"But... I am you."

"Exactly. That's what I mean, I just need some space, some 'me' time."

"That excuse still doesn't work because... I am you."

"And that's what I mean. We're around each other all time, you're always talking to me day and night. I'm tired of hearing your voice, nagging me all the time. You're just way too clingy."

"But don't all the times spent together on Friday nights with just each other mean anything to you?"

"You mean our long, romantic walks... ...to the fridge?"


"As sad and pathetic as it sounds, those nights were amazing..."

"Sorry honey, I need to find myself first."

"You know this is going make my self-esteem issues worse? When word gets out that even I rejected myself... it's going to be so humiliating"

"You need to worry less about what other people think! I mean it's so ridiculous, you don't even allow me to click 'like' on any of your facebook statuses, because you fear that if people saw that you liked your own post, people would think you're a loser."

"That's just because I care about your reputation!"

"You only care about your own! You never used to care about other people's opinions! It's like I dont even know you anymore, you've changed. You're now crazy."

"...and you're whiny."

"Plus, you've really let yourself go. I mean look at you."


"Well you're a hypocrite to say so myself."

"Huh? Yeah, I know you're just breaking up with me because you're going on an holiday overseas soon and you don't want to feel guilty banging the first slut you come across, don't you? And then when you come back, I bet you'll try to 'reconnect' with me. Great to know that you've been just using me for sex."

"No you're missing the point. It's not that simple, I mean our plans for the future just don't match up"

"What's wrong with me not being sure if I want a career or kids first? Are you feeling intimidated dating someone who earns as much as you, is as educated as you, and is as tall as you?"


"No. It's not that. It's just the little things, I mean I appreciate you doing a fair share of the household duties, and leaving the toilet seat in the right position for me, but, you.. have all these annoying habits. You can't handle your alcohol"

"Well you can't change the engine oil, but I'm not complaining"

"You don't get along with my dad at all"

"And you prefer spending time with the boys instead of me, but I don't make an issue out of that"

"Well one of the most aggravating things you do is the backseat driving! I know what I'm doing! Don't tell me what to do! If you panic, you're just going to make me way more stressed."

"Well you talk way too much to yourself. That's why I got you a blue-tooth headset, so you'd look a little less crazy talking aloud in public, and look more like a douchebag."

"And whenever you make a mistake, you never admit  responsibility and always blame someone else."

"Well you hog the sheets, and take up most of the bed. You don't even cuddle or spoon after sex with me, you just fall asleep straight after. You're the most selfish lover ever!"

"Well you're not funny, I only laughed at your jokes to make you feel better."

"Well you're a self-loathing, self-obsessed, small-penis drama queen."

"Fuck you."

"Well in that case you can go fuck yourself."

"Technically no, because it's a bit difficult to go beyond second base with yourself."

"See this is what I mean, you're so logical you've become emotionally unavailable."

"Oh shut up you little girl. Why don't you cry like the time you saw the Titanic."

"Hey not fair, you know the reason I cried because it was a waste of 8 bucks. That's it I'm leaving."

"Go ahead, you know we both share the same body, you can't leave me physically. Plus we've got too many mutual friends in common, it's awkward"

"Yeah... who gets which friend?"

"You mean which 'invisible' friends?"

"...That... really hurt."

"..."

"..."

"I guess this really is it then..."

"You know..."

Both: "We can still be friends"

Both: "Pfft yeah right... everyone says that, but it's never the same again."

"..."

"..."

"Is this because I don't have boobs?"

"Yeah kinda."

"Fair enough."

-end-

Some call this piece a post-modern conversation on the selfish desires that drive romantic break-ups. Who am I kidding, by some, I mean me. Also, I actually still don't know what post-modern means. Is that the point? That it's elusive and deconstructedly ambiguous? Do I understand it now? Or do I now not get it, because I get it? I'm so confused.

Anyways, if you want to read something that completely contrast the above self-deprecation, have a look at: Egoitis.

P.S. For those curious about my scintillating love life, I have two girlfriends: Palmela Handerson, and Scarlett Johandsson

Spontaneity

I have no objection to people being spontaneous, I just think there is a time and a place for it.

French Physics

THE SECRET TO BEING AWESOME

There I was, watching Roger Federer, one of the greatest tennis players of all time, win his record 14th grand slam a few nights ago, when it suddenly all hit me... like a crop of apples on Newton's scalp...
I had just stumbled upon:

THE SECRET TO BEING AWESOME!!!!

... So here we are, me sitting comfortably with my thermal underpants on, you, back keeled over the keyboard, nose pressed against the screen, eagerly devouring every word I type with breathless anticipation, stopping intermittently to wipe away your moist expiration on the fogged monitor, now starting to think 'wait, how can I be breathless with anxiety, yet at the same time expire enough to fog the screen?'

So before you ponder that paradox, I'm going to cut-to-the-chase.

THE

SECRET

TO

BEING

AWESOME

IS

!!!!!

(drumroll)

|

|

|

|

|

(due to the prolonged wait, the drum-rolling collapses, leaving an awkward vacuum of silence)

|

|

V

> TO HAVE 1 HUGE FOREARM <

*cue triumphant trumpet flare*

I know, mind-blowing isn't it?
Here, I'll place 6 fullstops here so you can recover from that shock......

I mean just take a look below at the humongous, hypertrophied muscles of Federer's right forearm, especially compared to his left!

I know it's distracting, but stop staring at his bosom and concentrate on the arms.

Looks like an oak log next to a twig doesn't it?

I bet that his forearm makes up 20% of his total body-weight and causes him to walk in clockwise directions due to its density. It's as if he had an IV drip of steroids pumped straight into that region, and Godzilla had stomped on his arm, and he somehow miraculously survived, allowing permanent swelling to occur, or maybe, you know just maybe, he had jerked himself off for 100 consecutive days straight.

Without a doubt, Rod Laver (the only player to have twice won all four Grand Slam titles in the same year = automatic qualification into the Hall of Awesome) also possesses this very asymmetrical secret of success.

Without a doubt, this massive singular forearm feature is a characteristic found in all historically awesome people. Below is just a snippet of evidence to back up my claim.

For example, here in Exhibit A, we have Popeye the Sailor, whose heroic exploits and unwavering morals made him the precursor of all legendary superheros like Superman.

Exhibit A: Pop-eye. The face puncher

Another role model with similar proportions is Hellboy.

Exhibit B: A hero whose sledgehammer-like arm has saved the world countless times over.

Which brings me to the next example, Mega Man - ceaselessly fighting in the hopes of achieving ever-lasting peace. He's saved this world many times over from horrors you wish only existed in an electronic game.

Exhibit C: He's so awesome...can you shoot plasma projectiles from your arm?

And I saved the best for last... the definitive example of awesomeness

the Fiddler crab!!!

Exhibit D: Size matters. Especially if you're only 2 inches long

Just look at that MEAN-ASS CLAW. That MAMMOTH, METAL-BENDING CLAW probably sank the Titanic. You try and stop it? Well that EPICALLY, EARTH-SHATTERING, COLOSSAL CLAW would just clamp the Moon and CRUSH it down on your PUNY skull. Not only that, Fiddler crabs play a vital role in the preservation of wetland environments, saving the world one sifted piece of aerated sand at a time. What are YOU doing to save the world? They're also pretty tasty, which is a plus.

So there it is, the secret to being awesome.

Use it well young cricket. Because maybe one day, people will say your name in the same hushed reverent tones they now praise Federer, Laver, Popeye, Hellboy, Megaman and the Fiddler crab in.

So start training that one forearm.
I know I am right now.


---------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a throwback post written in 2009.

Also check out 'Attention Guys, How to Captivate a woman's Attention Immediately!'

Egoitis

J - Justin. Male patient. Exudes arrogance. Thinks he's a total lady-killer.
D - Dr Brandon. Female doctor. Professional.

J: Hi, Doctor Brandon

D: Hi Justin, I have some news, your test results have come back. You have a unique mental condition. You're the first person I've seen with it...

J: Well that's expected, I'm always the first at everything.

D: ...That's what I mean. You have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  It's a condition where someo-

J: -one carries the burden of chiseled features, grace, eloquence, and charm in a way that only makes everyone else want to be me, on top of me, or loved by me ;).

D: Well yes, you see everybody has an ego. Yours is just abnormally bi-

J: better! Look, I know that arrogance is not attractive... But I am.

D: Wow, your symptoms are more severe than I thought. Where do you think this overinflated confidence from?

J: Partially it's because I know I can get laid anytime I want. All I have to do is go up to any super model and say "Hey, your eyes are beautiful, just like mine."

D: I don't think that would work on any woman with a shred of self-esteem.

J: Well statistically, if I asked 100 girls to sleep with me, at least one would say no. And that's probably because she's a lesbian. And ladies don't worry, I won't think any less of you for being a lesbian.
In all likelihood, I will probably think of you more.
<chuckles to self> hah I'm so funny.
Hey you know what else? There may be no "i" in "Team", but there are three in "narcissistic". Heh, yeah I should do stand up.

D: Are you now just talking to yourself?

J: Of course! Sometimes I need a professional opinion.

D: Wow is there anything bigger than your ego?

J: <glances down at own crotch> heh yeah there's one thing, you can examine me if you want?

D: Oh God...

J: Please, call me Justin.

D: Were you dropped as a baby?

J: Yeah, from Mount Olympus!

D: I can not believe you actually have a wife.

J: Well... see my wife's actually leaving me because of my ego. So I told her to close the door - on her way back in.

D: I’m not so sure how to tell this to you, but bluntly... you have the sex appeal of a chair.

J: Well chairs get a lot of ass. Oh, and doc, I was wondering, why do I get a raging erection whenever I look at myself in the mirror?

D: That's because your cock thinks you're a cunt too.

<lights down>

This is a longer version of the skit I wrote and performed in for Med Revue 2013. A lot of fun bantering with Cindy. Thanks goes to Amy for her great editing,  and the directors for letting me perform it. Recently I've realised that the character I wrote, was basically Johnny Bravo in spirit :P




Check out: The Secret to Being Awesome

The Lebanese Network

Spot all the stereotypes!
(Click on the image to get it into the forefront)

For other racist humour check out this music video parody I wrote: Ed Sheeran's A+ Team