The First Time is Always Kinky

The doctor stared at the ground as he pressed his fingers against my chest. "It's okay," I whispered, "It's my first time too."

Whenever one first experiences or attempts anything, it immediately becomes a memorable affair. From the sobering first time you realise that you're the sperm that came first to your first sky-dive or even more terrifyingly, accidentally blurting out 'I love you' on the first date.
First times forever hold a symbolic place in both memory and history. Why, in fact, just today Li Na, became the first Chinese woman to win a tennis Grand Slam singles title!
  Li Na, the first chemical elements to win a Grand slam singles title!

Australia at the moment also has its first female Prime Minister. Which is why experts believe the economy will soon crash...  into the back of another economy.

There are also philosophical questions, like how did the world first come into existence?
Was it a cosmic event? The first onomatopoeia - the Big BANG?
Or was it the creation, all in seven days as stated by the Bible?
If so, I wonder if Adam prayed "God, feel free to keep using as many of my other ribs, no really, I insist", upon seeing a naked Eve for the very first time?

And other really deep questions: I for one sometimes picture God and Jesus arguing over whether the chicken or egg came first.

"I don't care which came first, they both taste delicious" - Stephen Amos 

What did the egg say to the boiling water? It may take me a while to get hard I just got laid.

Then there's also the moment when you say your first word. Since I'm from an Asian family, more significance was actually attached to me saying my first number.

I was also the first-born, which comes with some perks like being: the first to try on new clothes, the first to drive, the first to move out, the first to get blamed for a divorce, etc.

But seriously, I actually can't wait until the first time I lay eyes on my firstborn... 
Family friend: "Awww, he's adorable. Is he your first?" 
Me: (nodding proudly) "Yep, the first adorable one."
Which is consequently followed by other firsts, which I can't wait to do, such as the first time I take my kid to school or the first time I discipline it.
Me: "Dammit, just got the first scratch on the newborn. Oh well, there goes the resale value."
 

Kidding, I love babies (well I do like attempting to make them).  And as they grow up, I'll teach them about the birds and the bees, and purchase my first shotgun and sit on a rocking chair on my front porch if they're a teenage girl.

Wife: "Can you believe our little girl is already going to her first prom on her first date?"
Me: "Can you believe, that after her first prom, she'll be immediately going on her first trip to a sexual health clinic?"

First dates are also an awkward affair from wondering if you should split the bill, to first impressions. I find that if I don't like a woman on the first date, I tell the waiter that my date has insisted on paying the bill in full and then I do a runner. I mean, I'll come off as a douche-bag, but it means we avoid the 'she has hard feelings about me not going on a date with her again' phase.

First impressions are also difficult in the first dates. Do I hug? How close should I hug her without being too creepy? Do I lean in and give a peck on the cheek?
This is why I tell my mates not to bother at all with that...

Mate: "What should I do?"

Me: "Just shake hands with your left hand".

Mate: "What? why?"

Me: "Well you don't want to intimidate her with the competition".

Also, what should one talk about?

Her: "So what's the kinkiest thing you've ever done?" 
Me: "Well, I've only had sex once, so nothing that kinky."
Her: "Once!? What was her name?" 
Me: "Sharon something. I couldn't quite work out her last name."
Her: "Oh so you hooked up with her in a loud nightclub?" 
Me: "Well not really. There was quite a bit of moss on her gravestone.'

First loves are also unforgettable.
I remember my first internet girlfriend.
I was 13, he was 51.

Also unforgettable, is the first time you meet your partner's parents. In fact, just last month, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time and he was really nice...and by the end, actually said 'thank you' and shook my hand. I'll probably see him again at next year's parent-teacher evening.

Then are also the less obvious multitude of little things that occur in life for the first time.
For example, just the other day, for the first time, my mum sent her first text - it read:

"Fvck thiss shiitt justcall me."

It's just one of many moments like:

• The first time you have a McFlurry, thinking the spoon also functioned as a straw
• The first time you google "signs of hypochondria" and the first result is "Googling signs of hypochondria."
• The first time you finally comprehend how long an hour is...  when you have a shitty job.
• The first time you realise that the first person that managed to convince the first blind man that he needed sunglasses was likely a genius.
• The first time you attempted to become vegan, and nearly tried to kill yourself after the first day.
• The first time your book runs out of batteries, because you live in the 21st Century and have stupid first-world problems.
• The first time you realise that if Cinderella's glass shoe was meant to fit perfectly, how the hell did it slip off in the first place?
• The first time you realise that after watching all those episodes of Scooby Doo, you never thought that the Mystery Incorporated gang solving paranormal activity with the help of a TALKING DOG wasn't weird at all.
• The first time you watch Inception - blowing your mind and letting you view exotic settings you've never visited before, like the first class cabin of a private jet.
• The first time you deliberately farted as you stroll through the first class cabin on a plane on your way to economy.

·         And thus concludes my first blog post, which was like most first attempt at things, an awkward and flawed endeavour. But the beautiful thing about writing is that one doesn't have to get it right the first time round, unlike, say, neurosurgery.

"If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried." - Steven Wright