To
hear someone say to you "Don't worry, I don't facebook stalk you, you're
not worth it" is the definition of conflicted feelings.
My mum prepares the most delicious vegetarian meals. So I'm not sure whether or not to call her my favourite chef or gardener.
Studies show that the leading cause of colour blindness is cycling, because they sure as hell can't tell the difference between red and green.
I want to see a Harry Potter sequel where a grown-up Matilda meets Hermione Granger and they become bffs. (And have a magical pillow fight).
Sometimes I wonder if girls who upload hot selfies are totally aware of what they're doing, and mentally smirk everytime a guy likes their photo, thinking "hmm... yeah he wants the V"
I don't have forearms, I have 5arms, because that's one more than four.
That's what sheep said - New Zealander
The Government should put in a policy to give teenagers access to better internet. Porn websites are why teen pregnancy rates are so low.
Sir Attenborough: "Pandas have a natural reflex to keep their mouths open when applying on eyeliner, but they're utterly shit at it."
Do you know how celebrities become so famous they need a security guard?
I wonder if I'm invisible and inconsequential enough to require an insecurity guard.
I want a pet parrot, and name it Flying Fuck.
I like how society is conscientious enough that people with disabilities get priority parking spots, and birds with disabilities get priority potato chips.
Snails will never know the pleasure of tequila shot.
I'm a busy person, so I find that orgies are just a more efficient use of time.
When I meet a friend's dad, I have to stop myself from mentioning, "Isn't it amazing how one of your orgasms from decades ago has led to our meeting today?"
Thor is an expert in treating colon cancer. He's an Asgardian.
If I was Prime Minister, the Water Police would get an aquatic equivalent to police dogs. Something like well-trained police dolphins. With geared-up police turtle for amphibious missions.
You know you've had a long day when you find yourself googling "Was Hitler breastfed?" and "Shark blowjobs"
I don't like Strip clubs. The thought of being surrounded by strangers who all have erections is creepy. Also strip clubs have way too many boundaries, that's why I want to go to a Moebius Strip Club, it would only have one.
I don't do drugs. I prefer the high from relieving my bowels/bladders after holding it in for far too long.
I prefer to fart in the restroom because it has nice acoustics.
Whenever a lecturer probes for a deeper answer by asking "Tell me why?", I have to restrain not singing "Ain't nothing but a heartache" out loud.
In heaven, both sides of the pillow are cool.
Thailand. Putting the he into she.
A girl told me I should fuck off and stop being a dickhead. I've never been so turned on in my life. It's like she really gets me.
One should be automatically forgiven for anything rude you ever say when you're on a diet.
John Lennon: Imagine there's no morning alarm, It's easy if you're unemployed.
Since your family are all doctors, when you got mad at your parents, did you threaten to run away and join a chiropractor's clinic?
To reflect my educated upbringing, I prefer to call my kitchen the food library.
Sometimes I wish I was still young, then realise I don't miss the days of being a teenager who was sad that my tv couldn't get SBS reception, or could be easily excited by the lingerie section in the K-mart catalogue, or images of women coughing.
"My life is ruthless without you"
"You're just saying that because my name is Ruth"
"What word is most often spelled incorrectly?"
"Incorrectly?"
"Why did you decide to have a kid?"
"For shits and giggles"
TV idea: A bisexual edition of The Bachelor where the man's romantic interest pool is half men and half women. The amount of bitching would win an Emmy for drama.
On a date:
"I'm all for equality, which is why when on a date, ladies shouldn't only be the ones to put in the effort to wear matching underwear. As a guy I do it too."
"But guys don't wear bras?"
"That's exactly why I'm full commando now"
Hardcore Dare: Drinking and playing "never have I ever" with your parents
I just ate the final Tim Tam... . All of sudden, I now just 'get' Taylor Swift.
Sometimes at home, I like to wear a red t-shirt and nothing else, and pretend I'm Winnie the Pooh
Her hair was beautiful, the colour of McDonald french fries
When I get arrested by the cops, I like to pretend to be asleep in the car so they'll carry me inside.
I have a policy of not wishing happy birthday to those who were born via C-section. Their mother never gave 'birth' to them organically. They were excised and removed surgicially, evicted like an unwanted tenant, and worst of all, have technically never been in their mother's vagina.
Bestiality enthusiasts society taglines: "We put the orgasm into organism... the anal in animal...
the sperm in spermwhale."
If New Zealand is Middle Earth with all of it's beautiful scenery, then with all of its creatures trying to kill you, Australia must be Mordor.
Dreamt that upon spotting a strange creature I excitedly exclaimed "Camel!", but it turned out to be a cow mooing. So I tried to justify that I meant "Cow moo" in the first place. When I realised what I did, I groaned so hard I woke myself up. Anyone know how to punch your unconscious?
Home is where you've worked out how to put the shower at the right temperature.Previous collections
My mum prepares the most delicious vegetarian meals. So I'm not sure whether or not to call her my favourite chef or gardener.
Studies show that the leading cause of colour blindness is cycling, because they sure as hell can't tell the difference between red and green.
I want to see a Harry Potter sequel where a grown-up Matilda meets Hermione Granger and they become bffs. (And have a magical pillow fight).
Sometimes I wonder if girls who upload hot selfies are totally aware of what they're doing, and mentally smirk everytime a guy likes their photo, thinking "hmm... yeah he wants the V"
I don't have forearms, I have 5arms, because that's one more than four.
That's what sheep said - New Zealander
The Government should put in a policy to give teenagers access to better internet. Porn websites are why teen pregnancy rates are so low.
Sir Attenborough: "Pandas have a natural reflex to keep their mouths open when applying on eyeliner, but they're utterly shit at it."
Do you know how celebrities become so famous they need a security guard?
I wonder if I'm invisible and inconsequential enough to require an insecurity guard.
I want a pet parrot, and name it Flying Fuck.
I like how society is conscientious enough that people with disabilities get priority parking spots, and birds with disabilities get priority potato chips.
Snails will never know the pleasure of tequila shot.
I'm a busy person, so I find that orgies are just a more efficient use of time.
When I meet a friend's dad, I have to stop myself from mentioning, "Isn't it amazing how one of your orgasms from decades ago has led to our meeting today?"
Thor is an expert in treating colon cancer. He's an Asgardian.
If I was Prime Minister, the Water Police would get an aquatic equivalent to police dogs. Something like well-trained police dolphins. With geared-up police turtle for amphibious missions.
You know you've had a long day when you find yourself googling "Was Hitler breastfed?" and "Shark blowjobs"
I don't like Strip clubs. The thought of being surrounded by strangers who all have erections is creepy. Also strip clubs have way too many boundaries, that's why I want to go to a Moebius Strip Club, it would only have one.
I don't do drugs. I prefer the high from relieving my bowels/bladders after holding it in for far too long.
I prefer to fart in the restroom because it has nice acoustics.
Whenever a lecturer probes for a deeper answer by asking "Tell me why?", I have to restrain not singing "Ain't nothing but a heartache" out loud.
In heaven, both sides of the pillow are cool.
Thailand. Putting the he into she.
A girl told me I should fuck off and stop being a dickhead. I've never been so turned on in my life. It's like she really gets me.
One should be automatically forgiven for anything rude you ever say when you're on a diet.
John Lennon: Imagine there's no morning alarm, It's easy if you're unemployed.
Since your family are all doctors, when you got mad at your parents, did you threaten to run away and join a chiropractor's clinic?
To reflect my educated upbringing, I prefer to call my kitchen the food library.
Sometimes I wish I was still young, then realise I don't miss the days of being a teenager who was sad that my tv couldn't get SBS reception, or could be easily excited by the lingerie section in the K-mart catalogue, or images of women coughing.
"My life is ruthless without you"
"You're just saying that because my name is Ruth"
"What word is most often spelled incorrectly?"
"Incorrectly?"
"Why did you decide to have a kid?"
"For shits and giggles"
TV idea: A bisexual edition of The Bachelor where the man's romantic interest pool is half men and half women. The amount of bitching would win an Emmy for drama.
On a date:
"I'm all for equality, which is why when on a date, ladies shouldn't only be the ones to put in the effort to wear matching underwear. As a guy I do it too."
"But guys don't wear bras?"
"That's exactly why I'm full commando now"
Hardcore Dare: Drinking and playing "never have I ever" with your parents
I just ate the final Tim Tam... . All of sudden, I now just 'get' Taylor Swift.
Sometimes at home, I like to wear a red t-shirt and nothing else, and pretend I'm Winnie the Pooh
Her hair was beautiful, the colour of McDonald french fries
When I get arrested by the cops, I like to pretend to be asleep in the car so they'll carry me inside.
I have a policy of not wishing happy birthday to those who were born via C-section. Their mother never gave 'birth' to them organically. They were excised and removed surgicially, evicted like an unwanted tenant, and worst of all, have technically never been in their mother's vagina.
Bestiality enthusiasts society taglines: "We put the orgasm into organism... the anal in animal...
the sperm in spermwhale."
If New Zealand is Middle Earth with all of it's beautiful scenery, then with all of its creatures trying to kill you, Australia must be Mordor.
Dreamt that upon spotting a strange creature I excitedly exclaimed "Camel!", but it turned out to be a cow mooing. So I tried to justify that I meant "Cow moo" in the first place. When I realised what I did, I groaned so hard I woke myself up. Anyone know how to punch your unconscious?
Home is where you've worked out how to put the shower at the right temperature.Previous collections
- January 14: Buckets have a Human List
- December 13: Blood, Sweatpants and Tears
No comments:
Post a Comment